Journey out of the dead

Hi, I am Phoenix. This is not my real name but i would like to keep it private. I am 18 years old and this is a series related to my life and the experiences that I have gained so far as a teenager. I love to write specially about my feelings and the things that I learn from life and incidents.

This series is going to talk about my troubled childhood and teenage and how I overcame everything with a lot of courage. I hope my readers will find this encouraging and interesting.

I am going to give a little introduction to the series so it will be easier to understand.

Life is beautiful and we are lucky to be born with a brain and a soul full of love. I never thought of life as something beautiful until I was 18. Stepping into the category of being an adult changed my thinking process and my perspective of seeing life from a negative aspect to something more encouraging. My childhood was not so good and then the teenage years went hellish because of my own lack of self control and dumb decisions.

So, this is about my long journey out of depression. I am just 18 and I have always been mature about many things which others of my age are not aware of. But I think I skipped a lot of things that I should have understood before.

Let’s start from the beginning……

I am from a not so happy family, full of violence and unpredictable love from my parents specially my father (the first man of my life). I have seen my mom get beaten, my mom attempting suicides, conspiracy against my mom, my mom cheating with my teacher and taking his side while he beat me like an animal, saw my father with a lot of women and making their children as his own and betraying me, my father threatening me that he won’t provide for me if I didn’t obey him. And a lot of things.

So the love I experienced in my childhood was full of betrayal and unpredictable.

I needed someone to actually love me and that affected my relationships to a great extent.

I always had this fear in me that I am not loveable and someday I might realise that my partner doesn’t love me just like my father who showed fake love to bring me to his side to take revenge from mom.

So my only solution was to control the life of the other person and not to let him be friendly with others so that he doesn’t betray me.

This reaction was totally unintentional from my part because I never realised that I controlled my partner’s life. It was automatic. My subconscious mind defending my feelings.

Until now, that I realised that yes I am a lot insecure about everything and I always see the negative side of every good thing to prevent the unknown from happening even if it is far from reality.

Eventually the other person would fall out of love ‘cause of course no one wants to feel trapped in love.

After my first relationship I thought I was mature but now that I see that my happiness is in my hands. Others can give me temporary happiness. I felt like I am a very understanding person but not very understanding in a relationship. I would want the other person to pamper me, adore me when I overthink but I didn’t realise that I overthought everything every second and expected too much for a human to give me.

I tried to commit suicide when the voices inside my head didn’t stop uttering negative things. When I tried to die, I realised that I love myself and that I needed to fix this. I fixed it without a doctor and now I feel strong.

I fixed my routine and learnt that skipping breakfast, exercise, meditation, nature walks can affect a person to death.

So I included everything that I loved in my routine with a good sleep schedule with not too much sleep or too little sleep. I added going out every day with my cycle.

The one biggest difference that I see is that when I had these negative voices inside my head, I would sit down literally anywhere in my house to listen to it, being the laziest person in the family. But now when I don’t have these thoughts I feel energetic. The positivity makes me pamper myself enough more than electronic devices.

I don’t feel like lying down and thinking bad things all day and crying.

I feel strong that I can control my mind a lot better now.

This was a time when my CLAT examination was just 1 week away and my class 12 board examinati0n was 2 months away.

I think this was the time that god gave me to actually come out of depression and be stronger and to love myself more.