Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I remember when life used to be more simple, when we used to talk and be around each other. Now, over a thousand miles lays between us, but that’s not the biggest distance between us. I remember growing up when I felt like it was all about family, how you and Dad would try to preach about how important it was to protect one another and stick together. That was until the illusion shattered. Growing up I never noticed the things around me, like every kid I suppose, but with me, it might have been delusions. I always felt like you and Dad loved one another and were happy. I still think back to the night before we left, when you and Dad were insulting one another, I dare not say what was yelled at one another. I also remember vividly you waking me up and making me choose to stay or to leave, I was barely eleven years old, yet I made a massive decision. I don’t regret leaving, or living with Steven, your new boyfriend, he was more of a model father figure than Dad ever would have been. But, I do regret not telling Steven how I felt about him before he took his own life when you were sneaking back to Dad. I regret most of all; letting you make me feel guilt for his death, for you making me take care of you even though I was tweleve and saw my first dead body when we found him. I regret letting you always control situations and the narrative. We haven’t spoken now in over a year, I am twenty-four now, I live in a beautiful home, with my amazing, supportive girlfriend of almost eight years, I am happy now knowing I can make my own decisions without you manipulating me. I do still love you which is what hurts the most, I don’t blame you for how you are as an adult, you are to blame for some of it, but I know you had bad parents. I however, will not repeat the cycle you did, I was in therapy, something you never did, and will continue to work on myself and be better so if I ever have kids, they will know nothing but love and stability. I only wish you were different so you could share my life and journey with me. I forgive you for all the cruel and hurtful things you said about me, my decisions, and path I have chosen, but I will never forgive you for how you talked to my girlfriend. I wish you wanted different and wanted to be a better person, even if not for me, but for yourself, but you are complacent. I had to learn to love myself and learn how to want to be better, it is an everyday struggle but overall I am proud of my progress. I wouldn’t be who I am if it wasn’t for what I went through in life, like you and Dad kicking me out because I wanted to move to a new state with my girlfriend, instead of talking to me and trying to find a compromise, you let Dad kick me out, I will not forget that. I will not forget the bad influence you set for me growing up, it hurts I can’t share the big moments of my life with my family; getting a new house, birthdays, holidays, maybe one day getting married, maybe having kids, all of that. Instead I have to build my own family and luckily I have a new family who loves and cares for me despite my imperfections and despite my mistakes. That is true love, it’s not conditional or about selfish needs, it’s about giving to someone else with no guarantee to get anything in return. I miss you and the rest of the family and I hope you are all doing well, I know I am.

Love Dominic