The Lack of Love Lasts Longer than Just Valentine's Day

Anti-Valentine's Day Playlist

Valentine's Day is a sore subject for a lot of people, both single and in relationships. However, love, or the lack of it, isn't just subjected to this holiday. While a commercialized holiday about love doesn't help the situation, there is often an underlying issue or heartbreak that many are unable to heal from. The journey of my playlist will take you through learning and acknowleding our need for self-love and the personal lessons I've learned during my journey to finding it.

We're starting this playlist off with Treat Myself by Victoria Justice. She highlights the ways she often treats and talks to herself, and references that she would never treat someone else that way, so why would she do that to herself? In my own discovery to self-love, I have found myself tearing my own body and accomplishments down and then wondering why no one else is lifting me up. If I don't treat myself right, how can I expect anyone else to? Short answer: I can't. I am my own worst enemy, and while others don't seem "as bad," I still end up in situations where I am not treated the ways I know I deserve. But I don't even do that for me, and it's setting a precedent for everyone around me.

Up next on our playlist is Walk Through the Fire by Zayde Wolf. There are so many lyrics that resonate with me as I struggle through the impending end of my long-term relationship. We've walked through so many fires together that we are no longer able to determine which way is out anymore and which fires are worth putting out as we continue to try to work through our hardships. After so many fires, so much sweat, and so many tears, I've learned that sometimes the mistakes we make will be learning lessons. But that we shouldn't continue to make the same mistake just because we spent so much time making it. I don't know what the future holds with us, but I do know that I will take a lifetime of lessons from our relationship.

We all feel immense pressure that makes us feel like we are going to implode, but we are all able to "come back stronger and ready to fight." There's no stopping us when we are on our A-game, and no person will be able to bring us down. Our scars from our relationships will make us come back stronger than ever, even if it doesn't feel like it in the moment.

A bit of a turn with this song. This one hits a lot more personally, so here's my goodbye letter I never got to have.

"Why'd it have to be Hailey out of everyone else." Well, 'C', why'd it have to be her? Why did you have to cheat on me with my best friend? And then you lied about it, both of you did, claiming the other as a sibling rather than a lover. I never believed you, but I was oblivious to standing up for myself and removing myself from the situation. Once I had, everything came crashing down for the both of you, at least when it came to me. You two got to live out your fairytale while I was crushed to lose my boyfriend and best friend in the same motion. While you were my first love, I know you weren't my last nor were you my best. Not because of you as a person, but because we just weren't meant to be, and that's clear now. Thank you for cheating, as crazy as that sounds, because you allowed me to be loved in ways that I never thought possible because I had never received that love from you. Thank you because I learned more about myself than I ever would have without you doing so. So thank you, Conner, and here is my final goodbye. You aren't a bad person, you just weren't the right person.

"It must be nice to love someone who puts you first, and walk away when they respect it in return." This phrase, to me, is applicable to both platonic and romantic relationships, Walked Through Hell really makes me reflect on all of the relationships in my life. I am always the one to bend over backwards for everyone else, but as soon as I could have received that same willingness back, I was dropped as if I meant nothing. I truly would go above and beyond all of those in my life, but I've found that most people won't do the same for me.

Taking the blame to make people stay seems like a good choice in the moment, but it creates far more pain for you in the long run. No person is worth taking invalid blame because it shows that they aren't willing to admit their wrongs, while you're willing to admit that you were wrong when you weren't. It's selfish for both parties because one is trying to save face while the other is trying to save the relationship, and both will end up resenting one another at the end of the day.

We often make others feel guilty for doing what is right for them because we can't see it ourselves. But asking and begging for someone to stay when their love for us is gone is the last moment of desperation and hope that we cling to in order to not lose the loves of our lives. While we know that they are ready to go, we hope that we can keep them around when we really should just let them go. I have held onto relationships for far too long in the past, and while I look back on them as learning lessons, I also wonder what I was thinking. Why would I continue to break my own heart when the other person has done their breaking and now they're just standing off to the side watching me do it to myself?

When I was younger, I always wished I was better. Not realizing that it wasn’t me that was the issue. It was the people who weren’t appreciating me. I was desperately clinging to people that weren't right for me, and I wasn't able to get over relationships because of it. I often think of this song as the receiver as I've been in the situation that the other person was still in love with me, and as much as I cared about them as a person, the love for them was lost. They weren't able to get over us and would often reach out to bridge the gap, but I wouldn't allow for that to happen. We ran into each other a few times, and while those moments hurt both of us, I think it gave each of us more closer each time.

Another letter -

I was finally living my life and feeling amazing about myself when you tried to re-enter my life. I was finally getting over what you had done to me that night, thought you denied it.

"The day after you reached out, I was broken for the second time around." You never realized how hard I was fighting to forget what had happened, your grasp on me more than physical over that period time. You took my breath away, but in the scariest ways possible because you also took my voice from me. You made claims that never happened, and you tried to ruin me because of your own transgressions. I would never allow you to do that now, and I am so proud of the progress I have made away from you. Thank you.

- The girl you tried to break