Punk<Maybe

I start with this song in particular, but the whole entire album in actuality. I was always angst ridden being the black sheep through being the brown baby in the midst of a very white and tall family. This was not helped through a life of not fitting in and being the poor brown girl in the white rich private schools I attended. I had a life altering event in the 5th grade that really solidified that angst. Then my mom moved us from a small city I hated to a micro town after freshman year which I was predisposed to hate because NYC was the goal. I was immediately looked at as being the mysterious being I was and still am by these new creatures of this small town as being the newest friend possibility to the weird. Little did they know I decided to spite my mom by refusing to make friends and I catapulted anybody who tried. I still wanted to be seen and noticed, though, so I played the part super well. I walked around with my Walkman on blast so people could hear how awesome I was and looked like I had no cares in the World. This song and album had a mix of rock, pop and classical that seemed to project the whole of my soul. The lyric in this song “prepare to live in danger if we want to stay out late” was angry and feminist and the name “By Myself” encompassed what I always was and always would feel. Little did I know this was a self-fulfilling concept and I did not have friends for a long time and when I finally did, they were never trusting or close to me the way friends normally would. I was told that everybody was interested in me and wanted to be my friend, but my no care attitude and constant rebukes of friendship offerings kept them away and their interest faded.

Vice Squad- Young Blood

This next song I just thought was badass and whoever listened to it became the same. Vice Squad was early British punk from the 1970’s where the youth were rebelling about the jobs that seemed to be open to them which were soul crushing and injury laden with no real future. I did not have the same bad prospects, but still had no idea what I would do and felt hopeless and useless despite also being very self-assured. The singer’s name was undoubtedly tough, Beki Bondage, and her vocals had this raw and unique form that imbued all their message had to offer. I just felt like I could come away a magical being with my own video crew just following me as I walked around throwing out tough, fun and mysterious as hell vibes. And this, would be a video people would watch over and over in awe and wondering how any one person could be this cool.

Anti-Flag-Die for your Government

This was the perfect vision of what I felt were extremely hot dudes and my anti-government stance (or government as had been thus far). What could be better than hot and political? They speak of the atrocities governments have carried out and how people carry them out without even thinking of the moral consequences just because it was their job. “and I don’t need you to tell me what to do, FUCK YOU! And I don't need you to tell me what to think.” This lyric right here is still in my head today so much I did not even have to re-listen or look it up to remember. I always felt right is right and if what you are being told is not right then do not do it, we are more than government and authority, we are one, humans of morals that should not be swayed because those with less morals get into power and tell you otherwise. Fun, and heavy tunes with a message for the ages.

Mike Ness- One More Time

Ok, so this is far from punk, but was the gold made by a very famous SoCal punk singer from the band Social Distortion. While living in this small town my mom moved us to I had a few saving graces that became my churches and this gem of an album I found in one of my churches, the best music store they had. I was flipping through CDs one day and I saw a blip that I knew would lead to something awesome and I directed my fingers to a cause and that cause was going right to this CD and YES, it was just what I needed. The album by my hugest crush and the first singer of my angst I found years before and he had done something new. This album was old country, blues and folk inspired. I was hooked. This song had so much soul and I never had romantic love, but I could feel this love and immediately loss through the instruments and his voice. I imagined myself time and again singing it so perfectly in my mom’s car where I would be giving a ride to this boy I hated and yet liked at the same time (feelings seemed mutual). I wanted him to see how soulful I was and showcase my brilliant voice. I knew this song so well I even “sang” the instrumental parts as if they were lyrics. I may not have ever found romantic love or lost it, but I knew this loss the song conveyed so well all my organs seemed to pivot and stand at attention to my heart and soul when I heard and sang this song.

Social Distortion- Don't Drag Me Down

Here we go, I feel that you knew this was coming. Mike ness in Social Distortion. I like this song because it speaks the truth, we cannot have change if we only listen to those promoting the hateful status quo. Government is not the moral elite; they are made up of humans which come in versions of very flawed all the way to downright evil. I still listen to and feel the message of this song and have many times blasted it with my children and when this part comes on, I jump and preach on…. “You're eighteen wanna be a man Your granddaddy's in the Ku Klux Klan Taking two steps forward and four steps back Gonna go to the White House and paint it black.” How anybody could ever feel more angst ridden, badass and yet still full of hope listening to this song is beyond me. It also reminds me of the punk version of an amazing folk song by Nanci Griffith called “It’s a hard life wherever you go” so take a listen.

Everclear-Wonderful

This is a very much not punk song and so not my style and never actually was. Only retroactively have I realized this song was one of MY songs. I was a runaway early, leaving an abusive and toxic mother. My cousin that had already graduated high school stood by my side and came with me. We lived in the woods, took baths in the freezing cold rivers or people’s houses who felt bad for us every now and then, stole food and had money stolen from our campsite. We adopted an injured bird and named him Crip and I cut my hair painfully with a dull knife. We coined the term “river snot” it is the snot-like substance that stayed on your clothes from washing them in the river. During this time, we did have a mutual friend who would pick us up to give us some relief every now and then and my cousin always played the band Everclear. I was always annoyed and objected, but she continued. Years later when I talk to my cousin about assaulting my ears with this band and she said she was not the one who liked it, I was. We argued and argued, and she said she always played it for me and a little while later I realized what happened. This band was very much her style and not mine. I realized though, while thinking about all this that I actually,felt uplifted and encased in love after listening to this darn band that I hated. Somehow, on purpose or not my cousin knew what I needed in my soul and maybe it was her idea to play these songs, but it was never for her and always just for me. Possibly my most curative angst song was by a band I hated and never chose, but chosen by a person who loved and understood me and what I needed in those hard times.

My love of punk was never about becoming angry and hateful, it always spoke my anger and left a curative and hopeful vibe. The world is large yet so small when you realize all we really want is hope and love. Punk, mosh pits and punk shows have never been about hate or anger for me, instead they were about healing. Which makes it very odd the song I think healed me the most was by a dorky pop/rock band called Everclear.