Tracy Rose
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Just a survivor and her writings. ❤️
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To men in suits who mock mentally ill women.
This message is for you Mr. J**** It's obvious you are misogynistic. You belittle and trash women. Is it possible your significant other is a victim of domestic violence? Yes, it is certainly possible. And if not. In the sporadic chance you do have a heart. You should know every single mean word you say counts. And unfortunately for you could have severe consequences. Because one thing you should never do is kick a mentally ill person when they are down. Because like you stated, I am sick. You do not know me. Or understand why I was hurting. Or why I was triggered. So to answer your question yes I am crazy. Well in the clinical sense. Because we do demonize people with mental illnesses. And call them “crazy” instead of understanding like any person that is ill, we are sick. So you know Mr. J****, the person who inserted himself under posts of the unfair treatment I was receiving by a fellow colleague. The story is, The colleague said to me “If we were dating, I would’ve felt more comfortable doing business with you.” Now since this is a safe space for writers I know you will all sympathize with me and see the issue here. Because as writers we are sensitive people and have deep, pure souls. Now I am not crazy for my beliefs on this. As it is true to the fact the romantic nature of these messages only pertained to me because I am a woman, it would have not been sent to another man. If that is not enough of a reason for you to see why I am upset then let me give you more reasons. I was let go by two brokerages. Not just for my mood dysregulation, which was very mild. It is a part of my illnesses. But by the simple fact that a woman of my age and stature should be meek, submissive and not stand up to her broker. Even if he is off base. And I don’t mean stand up in the terms of cursing. I mean standing up in an assertive, dignified way. Explaining it is wrong. However that can’t be done. As I am not a man. So I need to always remain submissive. Because if my voice is ever louder than theres their man hood feels insulted. My years in male dominated industries have been exhausting. As the way I am treated doesn't let up. A sales manager constantly hit on me. And the general manager let me go because I am a “distraction” to the men around me. However all this being said, I’d like to answer the remarks you have made. Firstly I am in noway seeking attention as I just wish my voice could be heard. Because it always feels like the men are yelling through mega phones and my words are being quieted and muffled. Nobody hears my voice, because I am a small majority. There is nobody to stand up for me. Nobody who understand or relates. And nobody who cares to. I mean there are a few here and there. And if they don’t agree they put it nicely. But not you Mr. J**** your intentions were to hurt me. You wanted to feel powerful. The question is, you said I was an attention seeker and mentally unstable. Do you know what mentally unstable means? It means, well at least for me, since I have border line personality disorder. That I am in the midst of a very powerful depressive episode. That my suicidal ideation is at an all time high. That I’m questioning my life. That I believe I have ruined the lives of people around me because I am sick. That I believe my family would be better off without me. That I feel so empty that my chest hurts. Feelings of emptiness and hopelessness surround me. And the pain doesn’t stop. It won’t go away. I can’t leave my bed. I just need to continue closing my eyes and sleeping because the second I open them the pain floods back into my body. Now my depressive episodes, my BPD, have nothing to do with feeling wrongfully singled out in the sales industry. But if you want to correlate the two you can go ahead. Although I have all the factual evidence. Nothing has been made up or imagined. Now to go back to what you said. If you feel I am mentally unstable. As I just explained to you what mentally unstable is. Why would you try to push me off the edge? It’s like seeing somebody in a coma on a feeding tube and saying “This person’s sick”, then ripping out their feeding tube and oxygen. You seem intelligent you should know when it comes to mental illness, it’s words that hurt us mentally ill people the most. The sexual and physical abuse always remains a apart of us. But it’s the verbal abuse that molds us into who we are. And usually makes us sicker. Words effect us deeply. As we have warped views on ourselves. And when somebody validates a warped view it makes us spiral. We typically need people around us who spread nothing but positivity. Because even the slightest insult can be a trigger. You have used my illness to insult me which seems very small. Would you make fun of somebody with cancer? Probably not. But I am also sick, just like them. It is you that seeks attention. Needing to be validated by the pompous men around you. It’s like the mega phone metaphor. All the men on my post were yelling. But you needed to pick up the loudest mega phone and scream out your lungs into it. Because weren’t your words speaking the loudest? Because you are the one who metaphorically took out a coma patients feeding tube and oxygen. It was clear I was speaking the softest, because as I said my words are always muffled. It’s always me thats wrong. And the men around me high five each other and give thumbs up as they all take shots at me. So Mr. J**** maybe you should be more careful with the way you speak to women. It would be a real shame if you were ever to be faced with the consequences.
By Tracy Rose 6 years ago in Psyche
To the sadist; I should've kept my order of protection.
I included real time photos so you could see the evidence I have put together. There’s been other evidence aside from that, as I have done a lot of investigative work. I have proof of him messages me of three different fake accounts, my business Facebook, Only Fans and Instagram. I keep questioning why he’s doing it because I can't understand. Usually we cat fish somebody after a break up because they are refusing to talk you. You make fake accounts to force them to respond and initiate a response. Then we are delighted because now the person who dumped us is being tricked into staying in contact with you. But this situation is odd. And has very different logicality behind it. HE is ignoring me. HE is ghosting me. I am not ignoring him. And I never have. I have always answered his texts. As I am not somebody who would choose to play immature games over being with him, the person I love. Which leads me to believe he really must not love me, because we have only been in communication for about four months these past two years. The entire rest of the time he is just emotionally manipulating me. And theres never any reason for them. If he were to text, I’d answer. If he were to want to be in each others lives, I would. But that’s not the issue. That’s not why he’s cat fishing. It’s not to force me into a conversation because I won’t speak to him. It took me a long time to figure this play out. To understand it. And I finally realize it’s all a game to him. A game sadistic narcissist’s play to keep themselves to continue feeling joy by stringing their victim along. Which in smaller terms, they enjoy emotionally torturing the people that love them. I really did try to give him the benefit of the doubt, I did. I left a lot of in depth and long text messages telling him how he’s hurt me. I begged him to respond and tell me this wasn’t true. I told him I just need to hear it from him. Is this true? Have you been making fake accounts to hurt me? Because I’ve decided to go my separate ways from you and you can no longer ghost me. Are you really just trying to force me to text you so you can ghost me again? And in smaller terms like I said are you doing this so you can continue emotionally torturing me? I waited a while almost a week for a response. I kept sending messages. I kept telling him he was forcing me to believe this theory. And without any response. Without any answers. What was I left to believe. And of course he has said absolutely nothing. He has stayed silent. And it’s very possible this was his plan all along. Right before the corona virus I had decided it was finally time to move on. I actually had signed up for a lot of events to meet people which were soon canceled. Maybe as a methodical sadist he sensed these things. And maybe he realized he had to hook me again. And he did, he hooked me. For an entire month he mad me fall deeply in love with him again. Presenting himself to be everything I wanted him to be. I. After I sent those messages I decided to leave him. But this time for good. A couple weeks before I texted that I was blocking him because he wouldn't stop hurting me and playing with my emotions. Directly after I did that he messaged me as a fake person on my only fans account. What hurts the most is it was the only time in two and a half years he’s ever spent money on me. He’s never done one nice thing for me or done anything for me. But yes he spent $9.23 to subscribe and signs point that it was all to emotionally manipulate into putting the evidence together then being forced into messaging him to show him the evidence so yes, he could completely ignore me and emotionally torture me. I let him know ghosting me and ignoring me hurts me the most. And thats why he does it because he feeds off of my pain. So he catfishes me on my only fans. Thats the message in the photo were he states in both messages “I gotta do this right now, but thank you though”. He sent the exact same message as himself from his phone number and as the anon only fans subscriber. Now I still was upset. And I did confront him. He did not respond, yet I still wanted to believe the best. I wanted to believe he really loved me. I wanted to believe that this time we reconnected all the sweet messages, the bond, the connection, the love, I desperately wanted to believe it was all true. I wanted to believe when he said he has no ulterior motives and not everything's a game or a secret that he was genuine not just bringing my guard down and getting me off his trail of lies and manipulation. I wanted to believe it all. Until now, I couldn’t. I started off my stories very truthful and without a a lot of very mixed emotions. And as you read the others you see that I really loved him and I also really believed he loved me. I thought it was mutual. But this is written in real time. And he has finally told me who he is this. And this was the last sign I needed. A fake Facebook page was messaging me when he and I first started speaking after being apart for all that time. However the profile had messaged me even before we reconnected. During a time he was ghosting me and emotionally torturing me by not responding. However when we reconnected I suspected the profile to be his. As I had all the proof and evidence showing the fake Instagram account was his. But as you know as narcissists do, he gas lighted me. Told me I was crazy. He promised to call. And I really thought he would. Because at first I believed it be coming from a place of love, insecurity and jealously. However he didn't call he went completely ghost again and yes went back to continuing the emotional torture. As you know by my profile I have been continuously publishing stories for the past few days. All expressing my struggles with loving him. And of course he has seen them. Because he watches everything I do. I thought in a romantic way. But now in a methodical, evil way. I had over a few things published in regards to my relationship with him as of yesterday. And I think it was hard for him to be villainized, because he has no chance to defend himself. It’s making him furiously angry. Because usually I never say anything, I am meek. I always just bow down to him, take all the blame and say sorry. Because to him I am the villain and he is the victim. I am to believe after reading my published work he is not only angry that I am monetizing off of him and our relationship. But also angry that people are reading, believing what I am saying and hearing my side of the story. Because for so long my trauma, what I went through, my pain, was completely silenced. It was always about him. Everything was always about him. He is upset that I have been given a platform to have a voice. Because he took away my voice 2 and a half years ago. He never wanted me to speak up or ever be heard. Well I am sorry, I won’t be silent anymore. Which leads to the very last thing that happened, just last night. And this finally ties everything together. As I just pieced it together a few moments ago. I realized I was missing something obvious and I couldn't think of what it was at first. Aside from the photos matched together that I have already pointed out in regards to him messaging me on my only fans account. The “call me on here” message happened yesterday. What exactly happened is he had been cat fishing me from a fake Instagram profile. I found out it was him by tracing it back to him and presenting him with the evidence through the account, but the account just blocked me and he never used it again. However just yesterday afternoon coincidentally after I have started telling my side of the story. He unblocks me from the fake account. He has changed the persons IG name. And reaches out pretending we’ve never spoken before. I don’t know how he was too dumb to realize the messages were still saved on my end. I reach back out saying to him making sure he knows that I know it is him. And reiterate that I know he’s been reading my stories. And he should continue too. So he can realize what he’s done to me. How he’s hurt me and how he’s taken me for granted. And that I am completely done with him because he just keeps bleeding me dry. And I say “The day you call me hysterically crying apologizing over and over again between tears how you’ve hurt, that you are so sorry that you took me for granted’ never appreciated me and that I’m the only person who really loves you and that you need me”, don’t call. And truthfully I don’t deserve anything less than that. Because it is only me who profusely apologizes for everything single thing I’ve done and does everything to make things right and get him back. because like I said he always victimizes himself. He says again that it is not him it’s a guy named Keeshawn and say’s the one thing to ties it all together. He say’s “ Ok then, call me” Followed by “on here”. The same exact thing he said on the Nola profile “Send the pic” followed by “On here”. It was then transparent that the Nola and Keeshawn profiles were both his. I decided before I started having any harsh thoughts I’d give it one last try. Because as this has been going on for a month I started feeling sicker and sicker. My mental health was taking an enormous toll. I decided to reach out to the Keeshawn profile on a different account and say “You said you wanted to call me on here, so call me”. I then sent the screen shot brining the Nola profile and the Keeshawn one together. Showing him, don't you see I know it’s you. Of course I was just gaslighted again and called crazy. Then blocked. I still had one glimpse of hope he had unblocked me and messaged me from that account because when I did call “on here” he was going to start saying sorry, since he’s seen all my writings. But he didn’t. It was a ploy to keep the abuse going. To continue the emotional torture. A pain that is constant. That he never planned on ending. Until I stood up for myself.
By Tracy Rose 6 years ago in Humans
To the heroin addict who told me to kill myself after I just survived a suicide attempt.
If my life went differently. If certain things didn’t transpire. If I had different parents. Different genes. No genetic predispositions then maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t have this immense fear of abandonment. Maybe you wouldn’t have been able to hurt me the way you do.
By Tracy Rose 6 years ago in Humans
From invisible fat girl to only fans model.
It’s hard going from undesirable to undeniably beautiful. Aside from men changing women do too. Every single girl I meet wants to be my friend. Girls who shut me down before. The new friendships I make aren't real. I know they only want to be my friend because I am pretty.
By Tracy Rose 6 years ago in Viva
To the heroin addict; I can't love you anymore.
I know this may come as a shock to you. Although you should’ve seen it coming from miles away. I know you never imagined I could leave you. The only thing you felt you knew to be true is that I would always be there. That even when you had nothing. No money, no place to sleep, no family and no job, that you always had me. I question since this is true why did you never appreciate me? You would think if somebody was left and hurt their entire life, if they spent over two decades searching for a love they always needed to feel whole. Going through life with their chest feeling hollow and feeling like nobody cares. And when they find out your problems and what you struggle with they leave. And don’t care enough to stay and try to help you. Like every ex who left you because you were “crazy”. When really you’re a sad, abused little animal whose been tortured by all the hurt in your life when all you needed was somebody to see your darkness and still continue loving you. You kept that dark cloud hidden for so long. Because anytime if you were close to someone and the darkness over took the sunshine and made your skies pitch black with not even the stars being able to shine through. And the storm would start flooding and lightening would strike. The person would immediately leave. Because they couldn’t love all of you. They could only love the superficial, always happy, always funny, always confident, sweetly sarcastic side of you. When there’s another half of you that’s sadly insecure and hates yourself, that questions why girls even find you attraction. A side that is lugubrious and depressed. That questions if your life is meaningful and is too tired and beaten up to make a joke let alone even fake a smile. They wanted you to be this person you made yourself seem to be. And once they realized you were deep and complex and had many layers. They would run away once the darkness was exposed. But because I truly loved you. I love you despite all of your flaws. I loved every part of you. And because of my own dark cloud that always surrounded my life. Your darkness is one of the things I like the most about you. Because just like you I pretend to be a certain person and once the clouds turn black and the sound of thunder quakes, I am also left. I am also ran from. I too wanted somebody to love me. And not just my rainbow but also my cloudy sky’s. That’s why I cherish you so much. And the year and a half we were apart all the things I did to hurt you resonated with me. I started seeing a new psychologist and worked tirelessly to overcome the things I did that hurt you. That pushed away the person who loved not just me, but all of me. My sunshine and my thunder storms. I wanted to change. Not just because I wanted to finally be a healthy person. But also because if I never changed, I’d have lost you forever. Because I never wanted to ever do the things that hurt you most, ever again. And that’s when you would ghost me and I’d say really mean and awful things to you. Telling you that you are a loser junkie and your mom sucks c*** to stay alive. All because of this deep routed fear of abandonment my parents gave me when they sent me off as a teenager and completely left me in a strange emotionally and physically dangerous place. I changed. And a year and a half later we finally reconnected. Because I had changed. And because I knew the things I did to hurt you and how it ruined us before. I wanted to do it all right this time. I didn’t want to do anything wrong or that I didn’t mean. I never wanted you to leave again. I never wanted to lose you again. Because like you I always wanted somebody to love me fully. But unlike you when I met that person, I would do anything in my power to hold on tight and not let them fall through my finger tips. Because losing them. Losing you, would’ve been the worst thing that could happen to me. Because you loved every inch of me and weren’t scared by my instability or darkness. You understood. And often we sat under the dark clouds together and listened to the thunder and sat there in the rain. We often shared our darkness, but we didn’t stop loving each other. However there has always been a difference with you. I feel it’s possible you only subconsciously realize these things. Or maybe you do consciously realize them but will never appreciate these facts like I do. When we reconnected a year and a half later after our powerful rain storm turned into a hurricane and kept us in the darkness for so long. We finally reconnected in the sunlight. I knew I always wanted that sun to keep shining. And I knew sometimes clouds would surface. But I never wanted it to get so dark that we lost each other again. And I was scared it could end up being permanent this time. For that month we spent together after being apart for so long the sunlight felt so warm. It was as if we were at the beach in Mexico. But it quickly faded. It was as if the sun turned to danger and we get horrible sun blisters that puffed up and filled with liquid. When I sensed the danger I tried to speak with you, to make things right. Because even though I knew I would do everything to never lose you again. You were not so concerned. I don’t think you even know what it is you really want. Because maybe you have convinced yourself you always wanted somebody to fully love every part of you unconditionally, the dark and the light. Somebody who takes care of you and protects you. Somebody who would do anything for you, learn and understand your demons. Somebody you could call when your head couldn’t stay above the water anymore and who would always pick up and tell you it will be OK. Someone who no matter, no matter how, would always be there by your side. You told yourself you wanted a best friend who loved you like a brother and treated you as their friend. A best friend that you felt close to emotionally but also close to physically. Somebody you could be blown away with when kissing. Because after you would kiss the fireworks would fly into the sky zipping in different directions. And you’d hear a loud booming sound as you watched all different colors sparkle and dance under the bright moon. And somebody who blows you away with their intelligence, knowledge and the fact that they are such a conversationalist, that you could talk about anything for hours. But someone who wasn’t surfaced. Someone who was also deep. You think you wanted all of these things. But you really don’t. Because when we reconnected, I tried to give you everything you made me believe you wanted. I tried to love you so much in a way that you knew was pure and genuine. And even when you slowly started hurting me again I didn’t react angrily. I explained to me you were badly hurting me. And I expected that to make you stop. Because I thought you felt the way I did. That I could never lose you again. That I was miserable and lonely for that unbearably long time we were apart. And I never wanted to feel that way again. I knew I never wanted to go back to living without you. But none of that mattered to you. Maybe it was just the drugs. Or maybe it was because you rather give your time to women who don’t really know you or even care about you. Maybe you think you want all those things I mentioned. But maybe what you actually chase and keep in your life are those who you have no future with, who wouldn’t care if you were hurt or crying. Who could never possibly really love you. And you could never really love them. Maybe you do the thing you know hurts me the most. Maybe you kept ghosting me again and now have been doing it over a month because you don’t appreciate me. And you don’t appreciate me because in reality it’s not me you want. You tell yourself this lie. You build up an image in your head. That you want to be with somebody who is like me in every sense. And you want to have a successful career. A family. A home. A beautiful life. But none of that is true. Because you do everything to hurt me, to push me away. You found out two and a half years ago that ghosting me causes me so much pain. And you do it over and over and over again. Until I’ve reached my breaking point and I get tired of giving and you just bleeding me dry. You don’t want true love. Because when you finally got all you dreamed you ever wanted you did everything in your power to make it go, to make it never come back. You just want to be inside a strange woman you don’t know anything about and look in her eyes and see nothing there. You want to let your tongue touch somebody else’s who doesn’t care if you shoot up right right in front of her. You want to text and flirt with a girl who would run away from you if they knew what your demons really were. You want to spend your days loving up on and giving attention to women who wouldn’t shed one tear or even be slightly moved if heroin took your life. All the while during all of this you are completely ignoring and ghosting me the only person in this world who really loves you and would die with you if you really did pass away from drugs. Something you say you always wanted. But now it’s clear you don’t. You will only keep me in your life and keep me around if I stop caring about you. You don’t want somebody who loves you. You want somebody who doesn’t see who you really are and would never take the time to know what it is you really need. You don’t want or cherish true love. You want meaningless sexy, empty emotions and drugs. If I could give you no meaning and make you feel an empty numbness. Maybe then you’d answer all my calls. And that is why I can’t love you anymore. Because you only want me around if I could feel a nothingness towards you. You don’t appreciate my love. You don’t cherish it. And you certainly don’t want it or care that you’ve lost it. You've left me so completely broken and shattered into pieces. That the peices have gotten so small almost like dust. That it would take so much time and effort to put them back to together. A time and effort you will never take in order to get my love back.
By Tracy Rose 6 years ago in Humans
He asked me to leave the room so he could shoot up.
It was the second day I saw you. As I had just seen you in person for the first time yesterday But you still asked me to come back the next day. I was wearing a pink floral Michael Kors dress that hugged my curves and flared out at the waist. I did pick this dress out carefully unlike the first time I saw you. Although you did ask me the day before “How long did it take you to pick out that dress”. I said “I was already wearing it when I decided to come”. I then smiled shyly and told him how it was my favorite dress and I would have worn it either way. I guess that was your way of telling me it looked good on me. Which felt sweet at the time, until it became a consistent thing. He would never just come out and say “You look beautiful”. It was always “check you out” and possibly a cheesy lyric. I wore my hair in a bun almost that whole summer. Not just because I had an awful hair cut that I was anxiously awaiting to grow out. But also because I knew you liked the hair in a bun and hoop earrings look. I tried to be beautiful enough. That’s all I wanted was to be beautiful enough for you. So vividly in my head in deep rich colors, I see your silhouette emerging from your apartment stairs. Your blonde hair was neatly parted and gelled to the side. Your hair is such a beautiful shade of blonde. A few shades away from being considered light brown. But theres this golden tint to it that keeps it in the blonde family. In the summer it becomes lighter and almost looks like it is gold. Pure and rich. Dazzles when the light hits it. You were wearing a basketball jersey. And I won’t even tell a lie, I do not remember which NBA’s player jersey it was. If I had to guess probably Carmello Anthony. The thing I remember most is the tattoo on your upper right arm. I remember you saying you placed it there due to your former career in finance. One of the things I find the most sexy about you. I question if you wore that jersey on purpose, did you want me to see your tattoo? It’s in black ink and some sort of snake mixed with a tribal tattoo. The black ink illuminates through your skin because then tan doesn't start until a few inches from where your T-shirt sleeve would fall. The jersey is matched with these blue shorts that I’ve seen you wear in photos before. I didn’t care much for them. Or really the jersey in that matter. I just loved the way they hung onto your body. As you walked down the stairs I look lustrously at your long slender body slowly arrive at the drivers side door (because you always drove) and you got in. The immediate smell of cinnamon mixed with musk filled my nose. And drove my body into a craze. I took one look at you and gulped. I was like a cartoon animal with her eyes bulging out of her head and her jaw on the floor. I strongly remember looking into your eyes and seeing that you were still there, you were still the same person. The day before I thought you looked completely different. But as I stared at you I saw you there for the first time. I looked into the ever so slanted but wide ice blue leonrado Dicaprio eyes that made me lust after you for so long. Your eyes are so wide and clear, clean, blue. And when your big icy blue eyes look at me all sad I feel like I could melt. You make me soft. And nobody else does. You have this very adorable yet sexy look to you. It drives me wild. I didn’t want to be obvious or too straight forward. So I said “your hair looks nice today”. My female body parts were beating like they were running a marathon in the New York city heat. He looks at me and says “Thanks I used my shampoo as hair gel”. I was trying to control myself and block at the screeching voice that was towering it self in my head “I WANT TO F*** YOU, SO BADLY RIGHT NOW” and trying to be subtle and relaxed. We go into your apartment and I ask you to help me carry in all the pounds of food I brought you. At the time you were unemployed and in active addiction. I just wanted to make sure you were fed. There were chocolate nut bars from Costco, yogurt, the small baby bell cheeses that are wrapped in wax along with some other things I can’t remember at the moment. The prize possession that I brought that night was the Italian chicken cutlets I made. You started eating them and said “You really made these?”. I told you yes and you asked me to make them again next time I saw you. And of course I did. Believe it or not I haven’t cooked one thing since he left me later that fall. I couldn’t bring myself to make anything because all the things I would make for myself are all the things I would make for him. Just another painful memory I tried to erase. I asked you were your bathroom was and you pointed to the door. I went into the bathroom. I remember this bathroom so distinctly. It smelled of wet towels that had been sitting too long. And on top of that the door doesn't close. He said it was because of the heat. But maybe it’s because I have been used to living in large 5 bedroom, 5 bath colonial with an in ground pool and a clay tennis court. I do my business quickly and as quietly as I possibly could. Thank god it was just pee. Imagine the horror if I suddenly had to s**** and the door doesn't close. I walk out of the bathroom with the thought in my head that I’m being cutesy. Until I glance down at my hip and see my dress was stuck in my UNDERWEAR. I quickly remove it and still to this day I question if you noticed. But knowing who you are now there was no way in hell you would’ve said anything or even came up to me and fixed my dress. It bothers me that he’s a sexual deviant and sleeps with random women he doesn't know in McDonalds bathrooms but he never tried to sleep with me. His excuse was that he was “sick”. But he’s been sick for years, he's a heron addict. He f*** many different girls after we broke up multiple times while he was “sick”. I try not think when we fell in love and how he’s slept with so many different women and not with me in that time frame. It makes me so emotionally ill I feel like I could puke. The real truth is, that I was the only one who was in love. I haven't slept with anybody since the moment I fell in love with him. It’s been two years. I say to you “Isn’t it crazy we are here right now, together in person. It feels weird doesn’t it?” And he says “What do you mean Tracy, Are you saying you don’t like me anymore”. And truthfully he was half joking but also half honest. I should’ve never told you I wasn’t attracted to you the night before when you texted to make sure I got home safely. You put your new treats in a ceramic bowl and ask if I want anything. Funny thing to that is, it’s the first time you’ve ever offered me anything and it’s something I paid for. We go into your bedroom and sit on the bed. There’s a moth buzzing around your room. You're trying to trap it and make it fly out the window. You see the moth flying towards the light bulb in the ceiling. You then ask me the dumbest and only dumb question you’ve ever asked me “Are moths attracted to light”. Mr. Know at all didn't know one of the most well known things about certain flying insects. I was slightly turned off by your stupidity but I answered “Uhh yes, did you really just ask me that question?”. However the light theory was not helping you to kill the mouth so you picked up this huge STYRO foam shaped tube to try and annihilate the moth. However instead of killing the moth you wack me over the head and laugh. I say “Hey!” and touch my head daintily with a cute sour puss on my face. You grasp the firm tube and angrily wack at the moth. Finally the deed is done. You sit on the bed and eat your food. We are sitting and talking and the whole time I’m wishing he’d try to snuggle me. But we just continue sitting up right inches away from each other. For two people that love sunggling, we never got to full on snuggle. Just one of the top ten things on my list that I never got to do with the person I loved. The list that constantly eats away at me. Snuggling, check. Make love, check. He always needed to cop loosies off of people because he needed to save all his money to buy heroin. My light pink Tory Burch slides are at the side of his bed. He promptly walks over to them and comedically says “Do you think I can fit into your shoes as he attempts to try them on”. I laughed and and said “No way your a foot taller than me”. Which it’s actually ten inches but close enough. We are walking down his block and stop at the light to turn towards the bodega I took shelter in from the rain the first time I was here. Two men are walking by us and he meanders his way over and politely asks if he can bum a cigarette. The man says yes. He was an average build man, brown hair on the shorter side. I decided to show off my sales skills a little and ask the man for a cigarette too. Of course he said no. Why would he give two people who seem to be boyfriend and girlfriend a cigarette. And I used some easy sales line along the lines of “Come on, it’s one less cigarette. All you’ll have tonight is one cigarette less. And that should be nothing for a guy like you.” He then obviously says ok and gives me the cigarette. I turned to you and hand you the cigarette pridefully. He says “I don’t understand, don't you want this cigarette?”". I told him of course not, I don't smoke. I was getting it for you and I knew he wasn't going to be able to say no to me. You seemed amused and I hoped more attracted to me. Men tend be attracted to my aggressive nature. We cross the street and walk back to your apartment. You sit on the steeps as you light your cigarette. I start talking about Long Island and how one day I’d like to buy my own house there. You exclaim that you hate Long Island and would’t want to live there. And I smirk smugly and say “What do you think is going to happen?” And he knew I meant that I was certain we’d be together and obviously he’d have to move to Long Island because thats were my real estate business is. He just smiled widely and didn't say anything. We start talking about people who are married for long periods of time. I believe it started with talking about his Dad. He makes a comment about marriage and says “Well people who are married for thirty plus years, one of them usually ends up cheating”. I said “So you would cheat on your wife?.” He try’s to back track and say no. And this was just another red flag I decided to miss. I’m probably one of the most loyal people to ever exist. And he’s cheated on me in so many different ways. I was too blind by my emotions to realize that he had been telling me all along that he’s a cheater. It's a apart of who he is. We go inside and sit back on the bed. We talk some more and what I believe to be the saddest part of our relationship happens. You then with no hesitation at all say “Can you go into the bathroom so I can shoot up”. I ask him are you crazy? I couldn’t believe this request. However it was only the second day and I hand’t even realized I loved him yet. But I knew I cared for him deeply. His dad is the only other person in his life that loves him either than me. And to be honest I know I love him more than his dad ever will because his dad told me he wishes him dead. So I say “Would you ask your dad to do that?”. He says of course not. But I was wishing for him to see the correlation and understand that I care about him just as much as his father. He pouts his lip into a slight frown and widens his big blue eyes and makes them all morose and says please in a child like voice. I’m very certain it's the cutest face I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Babies aren't even that cute. Unfortunately for me I couldn't say no to the face. And the part that comes next will forever haunt me. I can’t stop beating myself up for it. I become washed over with humiliation and guilt. I say fine. I get up and I say my back hurts. I question if I heard him correctly to this. But I thought the words that came out of his mouth were “I’ll give you a massage, don’t worry”. I heard the words and thought about them a lot even 2 years later. And I tell myself theres no way he said that. Because after that night he never made one sexual advance to me other then the very one time we kissed. I dreadfully walk into the bathroom. I remember this moment like it was yesterday. I remember not crying. I remember not feeling guilty. I remember sitting in the bathroom and letting him inject himself with lethal drugs as I did nothing. Everyday of my life I want to time travel to that Tracy and yell “What are you doing?!”. Why did I ever agree to go into that bathroom. I left the bathroom. Not because I felt guilty. Or because I wanted to stop him and throw his heroin down the toilet. But because I just didn't feel like waiting anymore. A shameful feeling I will never let myself live down. I open the door but he wasn’t done shooting up and he says “Fuck, I missed my vein.” It’s time for me to go home at this point, so he walks me to my car. He starts complaining that he missed his vein. And I say some sort of facetious remark along the lines of yeah, I’m supposed to fell sorry for you? He nudges me on the shoulder and calls me a jerk. I nudge him back. We arrive at my car when he says “Wouldn’t it be funny if I made you find your car on your own and told you goodnight and locked my door”. And I giggled and said “No that would not be funny”. I lean in and wrap my arms around him. He in return wraps his arms around me. I hold him tightly, so tight that we are rocking back and forth. Because of our height difference when we hug my head fits perfectly right in his chest. And no feeling in the world can compare to how safe and warm I felt nuzzling my head into chest, just above his rib cage and inches below his neck. It was the most perfect spot for my head to fit. It felt like our bodies were made for each other. As if when we hugged we fit together like two puzzle pieces. Hugging him was my favorite part of our time together. The feeling of just pure bliss and safety. He would pull me in and I’d squeeze him tight and lay my head right in the same spot every time like memory foam and I wish those hugs could’ve lasted more than a few minutes. I always wanted to hug him and he always teased me for it. Tears started running down my check as I wrote this part of the story because I would honestly give anything to hug him again. To lay my head to rest of the part of the puzzle that it fits in to the point of perfection. We rock back and forth until you almost lose your balance. And you say “I’m going to fall”. But I tell you I don’t want you to let go. I really didn’t. But he carefully let go and kisses me on top of my head for the first time. He tell ’s me to drive safely and text him when I get home. Something he always made sure to say after he kissed me goodbye. 2 years later I’m rewriting all these memories. I realized I loved him too much in a way he would never appreciate. He stopped texting me good morning and calling me on the phone and calling me Tray once he started seeing how much I loved him. He then started ghosting me again and purposely ignoring all my texts. It didn't matter to him that ghosting me is what caused so many fights or made me cry myself to sleep, that it's the worst thing you could do to me because of my BPD (fear of abandoment). It triggers me in a way that he never cared to understand or even considered to. The only thing that ever mattered to him was that he could do and say anything to me and he thought I would never leave him. A sarcastic remark he'd always make that I could never walk away. Which in a greater sense meant that I loved him so much that it was so hard to leave even though my mental health was suffering. A feeling he never appreciated from me. The more he knew I loved him the more he hurt me. I now know he would’ve never left if I would’ve loved him less.
By Tracy Rose 6 years ago in Humans
Diary entries to a heroin addict.
October 21st 2018 I don’t know how I should feel. I don`t know if this is all my fault. Or all yours. I go back and forth from being angry at you to being sorry. I question myself do I really love you. Is it just lust? Do I just need to f*** you? But when we are together there is no place I`d rather be. All I can think about in that moment is that I`m with you. I don't know. I could f*** you and its been about that the whole time. But theres the danger of me f****** you and falling madly in love with you. I`d never be able to let go of you. I know I can`t see you anymore. not until I’ve moved on. I’m too obsessed with you. It`s not an even power between us. I want you to learn what it is to miss me. I`m not going to completely walk away from you. We can text here and there. I don`t want you to relapse. I want you to know theres someone who cares about you and wants you clean. I have to focus on getting to my goal weight. Our fighting would make me binge eat and gain weight. I need to continue my happiness and lose this weight. And maybe in that time you’ll miss me. I don’t think you`ll do anything for my birthday, thats gonna hurt after everything I’ve done for you. But we all know you’re just very self centered. I want you to grow and be more mature. Handle yourself as a man. You act very childish still. And I see myself always acting childish in response. But thats not me. I’ve definitely matured as a woman. I want to be with you. You’re just not the man I need right now. Every day gets a little better than the day before. I know I`ll be OK. In reality I’ve been so happy without all our fighting.
By Tracy Rose 6 years ago in Humans
