Diary entries to a heroin addict.

October 21st 2018







I don’t know how I should feel. I don`t know if this is all my fault. Or all yours. I go back and forth from being angry at you to being sorry. I question myself do I really love you. Is it just lust? Do I just need to f*** you? But when we are together there is no place I`d rather be. All I can think about in that moment is that I`m with you. I don't know. I could f*** you and its been about that the whole time. But theres the danger of me f****** you and falling madly in love with you. I`d never be able to let go of you. I know I can`t see you anymore. not until I’ve moved on. I’m too obsessed with you. It`s not an even power between us. I want you to learn what it is to miss me. I`m not going to completely walk away from you. We can text here and there. I don`t want you to relapse. I want you to know theres someone who cares about you and wants you clean. I have to focus on getting to my goal weight. Our fighting would make me binge eat and gain weight. I need to continue my happiness and lose this weight. And maybe in that time you’ll miss me. I don’t think you`ll do anything for my birthday, thats gonna hurt after everything I’ve done for you. But we all know you’re just very self centered. I want you to grow and be more mature. Handle yourself as a man. You act very childish still. And I see myself always acting childish in response. But thats not me. I’ve definitely matured as a woman. I want to be with you. You’re just not the man I need right now. Every day gets a little better than the day before. I know I`ll be OK. In reality I’ve been so happy without all our fighting.







October 24th 2018







I`m crying after watching the last episode of new girl where Jess finally ends up with Nick. I cant believe you just left me like that. Acted like i meant nothing to you. Like you didn't need me. You were my best friend. My other half. The person I confided in. The person who made me happy. The person who kissed me with passion and with meaning. It`s been almost a month since we’ve seen each other. You left me high and dry. And pretended everything was all my fault. I'm almost positive our relationship was toxic. That you are a narcissist. That you are a liar and a user. But you knew how much I was attached to you and you left me out of spite. I know you were codependent on me too. I know I kept you clean. I wonder if you are lonely. Do you miss me at all? Have you replaced me already? Do songs make you think of me? Do you feel guilty for how you treated me? Has this ever made you cry? I wonder when the day will come where you call me admitting how much you love me and how sorry you are for letting me go. How I`m the only person you have who really cares. How nobody loved you like I did. I know I can do better. I know you don't deserve me. But I love you isn`t that all that matters?











October 28th 2018



It was me and you against the world. All that mattered is that we had each other. So many friends have let me down. I deaded two friends and may have lost Lisa. You were the only person I needed. You were my best friend. Maybe we were never really in a relationship. But nobody can take away the fact that we were best friends. We were always there for each other. Nobody listened to our phone calls, heard how we connected to each other. Our chemistry flows so naturally, no awkward pauses. You're so intelligent, so handsome, so funny, so cute. Nobody understands the side I saw of you. The political rants articulating yourself so well, nobody sees what I see when looking up from 5’3 to 6’1 at your blue eyes. To me you're the most handsome guy I’ve ever seen. Nobody knows how safe I felt when you would hug me and I couldn't let go. Nobody saw the little jokes you'd make or you picking fun at me that would make me smile. Nobody saw when i touched your scars and choked up because I was scared I would lose you. Nobody saw you kiss me like you loved me and got out of the car rock hard to respect my boundaries and me sexually as a woman. Nobody see`s all the things I see. They see the drug addict, the selfish person who constantly blocks me, who called me fat, who asks me to send him food and cigarettes. Nobody saw our text about how I jokingly said I would hide a body for you and you said you loved that I`m so loyal. Nobody knows that you really love me but you just don't love yourself right now. You're not a narcissist you are just mentally ill. Like me we both have illnesses. All I wanted was to see a therapist to make it work, instead you left me. My birthday without you is not a day I`m looking forward to. I wish you`d take off from work and show up at my house with whine and snacks and I could spend the whole day cuddling up next to you talking about anything under the sun and laughing and kissing and remembering why we loved each other in the first place, you're my soulmate.







October 30th 2018



I miss you a lot today. theres so much I`d like to share with you. What’s success without the person you love by your side. I was talking to you everyday. Now we haven`t had a real conversation in almost a month. I haven`t seen you in so long. I miss the joy seeing you brought me. I miss the feeling of your lips. The warmth of your hug. I constantly wonder if you miss me. If you’ve felt somebody else’s warmth after me. I don`t know why you haven't reached out. I`m shocked you don't seem to miss me at all. I need you here with me. Please come back. I need you. You're still holding on to the person you were, what you used to look like. But you are better than that guy! That guy in the 2015 photos was a real piece of shit. who cares if you were hotter. I love the person you are now. Still figuring yourself out, still unsure, still wishing you had real love. That guy was too conceited, had a shitty personality, bullied people, judged people. You’ve become a better person, being the person you are today. The you now knows what it is to struggle.







October 30 2018



Thursday is my birthday I know I'm going to be crushed. I know i wont hear from you all day. You are the one person I want to spend my birthday with. I thought I deserved that. I thought I was good enough to you to deserve you being with me that day. Thats what I want more than anything in the world. For you to come to long island and snuggle with me. And drink whine and eat food. You were my best friend. I`m going to miss you so much. But if its meant to be you’ll come back. If its not I guess you'll stay away. If you really do still love me you'll be here. But deep down I feel like you wont. You are just very self centered. Even though I know I deserve it, I don't think you think I deserve it. I love you.







Its November 1st my birthday



No call. No text. No gift. After all I’ve done for you this is a slap in the face. Yes I did some bad things. But before your birthday you did the worst things to me. I still spent 300 dollars sending all your favorite things. A bottle of jameson, a cake with your name, blue flowers ( your favorite color), chicken and broccoli, snickers bars, sweedish fish and sour patch kids. Got you clean. Spent so much money on food. Did so much to help you get healthy. loved you, supported you finically and this is what I get a slap in the face. Not even a f**** text. This really hurts. But it means I`m really done with you. I didn’t deserve this. You don’t deserve me. You are never there for me like I am for you. You would never go out of your way to do one nice thing for me. You're selfish, you always have been. And you take me for granted and don't appreciate anything I do for you. Hell will freeze over before you do one of the tiny little thing's for me of the hundreds of things I've done for you.







November 10th 2018



I haven't written in a while. I miss you greatly. I miss your touch, your voice, your advice, your kiss. Just being next to you. I miss everything about you. I`m scared to think you have relapsed. I only want whats best for you. If you relapsed it would break my heart. I hope you are working hard to come back to me and really deserve me. I haven't slept with anyone else. I don't want another man inside. You are the only man I want inside me. I want head. But being inside me and looking in my eyes, your the only person I want doing that. I want to feel the way your body moves. I want to feel your lips on mine. Your body on mine. I want to tell you I love you to your face while you are inside me. You are the only man who deserves to be inside me. Maybe I’ll meet another man who can deserve it too. I really hope you're working on getting to my level doing big things, staying clean, I want to be with you, you just have to grow first. I miss my best friend. Life sucks without you in it.







November 11th 2018



Its been three weeks since I’ve contacted you. And months of you ignoring me. And it all just hit me. You’re really gone. You really broke up with me. You’re really not going to message me in a few days. You’re really not talking to me again. If you do it`s not in anytime time soon. I can`t even listen to your voice to feel better because you blocked me on Instagram. I used to replay that video with you in the car with your dunkin donuts cup just so I could hear your voice and feel better. Your voice was like home. If I was depressed, upset or down, hearing your voice made everything better. Theres so many times I want to call you just to see if I`m still blocked. Right now I want to call you from a fake number just because I really want to hear your voice. I`m probably going to search my old phone for Jimmy’s number just so I can call you off of it from the call app so you wont know it was me. Just so I can hear your voice, When will this get easier? When will I stop missing you? When will I stop thinking about you everyday. I just want to move on. You moved on. Why cant I?







Nov 14 2018



I`m scared you'll meet somebody new. You`ll call some other girl boo or shorten their name like mine , tray. I`m scared you'll fall for somebody else. Feel someone else`s lips. Be inside of someone else. Tease another girl for always wanting to hug you. Hold somebody else`s hand. Tell somebody else your darkest secrets. Call somebody else beautiful. I`m scared you’ll love somebody else. I can never stop loving you.



Nov 29th 2018



Well I watched the end of new girl again. I wonder if you’ve been watching it too. Jess and Nick have a happy ending but we don`t. I picked up my phone to text you hundreds of times this past month and a half. Only time I could was pretending to be fake people because it kills me not knowing if you are okay. But I put it down because you haven't texted me. You proved your point when I don`t contact you, you don`t contact me. Jess and nick have a happy ending why don`t we. If our life this past year was being filmed the audience would've wished we ended up together. This would be a really good movie or book instead. I have zero time for either of these things. I always said my life was a romantic movie with a Sylvia Plath ending, i just wish for once I got the ending I deserve. “There is no logical explanation, I wish i didn’t love him, it is what it is, I love him, I wish I didn’t but I do.” My whole life I felt something was wrong with me because I could never see myself being happy with any of the guys I met. But then I met you. And finally felt everything made sense, I was supposed to meet you.







December 2 2018



we have so much passion and love. We fight we scream. I drive you crazy. You drive me crazy. but at the end of the day we love each other we really do. We are passionately and deeply in love. I want to rip your clothes off and go down on you just as much as I want to scratch your head and have deep conversations. I want to have long conversations about anything and everything. I want to connect with you physically just as much as I do mentally. Thats what I was looking for, why I was always single. Your the full package, You`re very f***** sexy and make me so wet but you're also so fucking smart. Damn. I miss you. I keep missing the feeling of your scruff after we kissed. How soft your lips were. The hugs were we would rock back and forth. Kissing me on my head.I miss taking care of you. You were my baby. Now your not. And you're all alone without me. And I don`t know if your ok. BUBALA I miss you. I need you here with me. You are my prince charming.







January 2019 11th



It's a new year. And of course as usual no call or text. Like on my birthday you also never wish me a happy holiday. Except last New Years Eve was the very first day we made plans to hang out and of course you ghosted me, did't show up, didn't say sorry (but you never do) and never said Happy New Year. I waited all night tonight for that text. Like I did on christmas and my birthday. But it never comes. It f***** hurts, But I still miss you though. I miss you more than ever. I miss your smile. I miss u teasing me. I miss you being real with me. That chuckle you'd make when I’d say something funny. When you slapped my ass like it was yours after our first kiss. I miss kisses having meaning and not just being meaningless. I miss holding your hand, scratching your hair, you laying on my chest, me always having to touch you and show you affection. I miss how happy and safe you made me. I miss your advice. Now I just think in certain instances what would you say and most of the time it works. I want to marry you. You’re the man I want. I wish everyday you'd get clean. I feel like I have to come to terms that you may not want to be clean. I love you, I want nobody but you. You are my best friend. Please get clean. I really cant afford to lose you.







January 12th 2020



I called your phone last night. Obviously off a fake number. Sometimes not hearing your voice for so long gets unbearable. I feel like if you ignore the call at least I know your somewhat OK. And when I hear your voicemail it`s soothing. I found out that your phones been disconnected. I may have somehow contributed to your dad`s anger and in someways I am sorry. However your dad was enabling you. I know you know that. Now that he`s cut off your phone. Has he stopped paying your rent? For the past few months since you left me, I know you haven`t been OK. I was sort of more so at peace. Without your phone you’re probably cursing out your dad, dope sick, doing whatever it is possible to find drugs. I told Lisa I know you. I know your not an ignorant heroin addict, who doesn’t see his life clearly. You want to be clean, you just don`t think you deserve it. I thought when you were was disconnected you’d have finally hit rock bottom, which meant you’d start changing. I didn’t want to show you these entries. I felt it was better kept to myself. You don`t understand what you are doing to me. Little sprouts throughout the day, I start crying. I don`t know if the last time I saw you will really be my last. How long can a heroin addict shoot up before he kills himself. And the thought of you dying is so emotionally overwhelming that I try so hard not to think about it. But when the thoughts come to surface, I cry. Not because I`m depressed, or empty, at least not yet, but scared. Scared that I`ll lose you forever, Scared that one day I`ll be reading all these diary entries over and over again beating myself up for letting you push me away because now you are dead. I can`t lose you. And I don`t think you understand that at all. I can`t fathom a world with you not in it. I can`t imagine getting out of bed every morning knowing you are gone. I would be weak. Miserable. Alone. I rather you spend the rest of your life with another woman, never see me again, then to have you leave this earth. At least I`d know you were OK. You are killing me inside. Loving you is so painful. It’s a pain in my chest, I’ve never felt before. I never knew what it was like to love someone so deeply and desperately wanting to take away their pain. In fact doing everything I could to take away your pain, But nothing I tried to do was good enough, or worked. I wanted you clean, more than you wanted to be clean. I can`t save you and thats what kills me. Theres absolutely nothing I can do. And everyday this past week I sit with the fact that I may never see you again. That I may never know what it is like to make love to someone. And it is such a sick joke that god played on me to make me fall in love with you. Not because you are a bad person or because I hate you. Thats not the case at all. It’s because you are just going to leave me. leave me in a pain that I can’t recover from. And I’ll be broken for the rest of my life. If I could wish for anything. I would wish that for one whole day you could see yourself through my eyes. I don’t know why you don’t see what I see. I don’t understand why you hate yourself. It did become more evident when I realized what a piece of shit your father is and how it’s hard when nobody all this time ever believed in you. Maybe I was too late. Maybe I came into your life until it was too late. Things were too far gone. It was too late for someone to whole heartedly love you, because when not one other person did, it would be impossible for you to believe somebody could love you. Because why not, you don’t think you’re lovable. But I would do anything for you. And I do love you. For so many reasons. Your smart. But books smart and streets smart. At first it was a crazy obsession a crush. And then it was just you. Your personality. Your intelligence. Your so articulate and I don’t even think you realize it. You have depth, you have demons. And you understood mine. I don’t hate you for the things you have said to me. I know heroin can make people say and do hurtful things. I will admit I was not attracted to you when I first met you. I was in shock as to how different you looked. But then the second day I saw you, with your hair gelled back and that basketball jersey, you just looked so handsome. In just one night after meeting me you honestly looked happier. I felt I was making you happier and I knew I wanted to take your pain away. I still take your advice. And when I am having anxiety or being irrationally angry, I think in my head “what would you say” and then I always end up calming down. It’s usually along the lines of “relax you’re over thinking it”. I just want you to be happy. I want you to be safe. I want you to be clean. Please don`t break my heart. Don`t kill yourself. Stop shooting up. I can`t do this without you.