Nat

Joined June 2022

49 stories

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She/her/hers

writing about adoption, mental health, and chronic Illness.

Stories (49)

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Love and Loss in the City: Growing Up in NYC and Losing My High School Sweetheart to Addiction
I wish we had grown up with the same advice. Both of us would have survived high school in NYC, except only one of us made it out. I stopped enjoying the things that were happening around me. I felt stuck in NYC. How could the most amazing city in the US make you feel stuck? I remember the last night as if it were yesterday. No one knows what to say when your drug-addict high school sweetheart dies. My mom was always there, but she wasn’t. His mom was dealing with grief and trying to figure out how to raise her nephew after her sister was shot in front of them. Our parents were busy, so they didn’t notice much but we were always together. When my mom was so in her head she didn't notice I wasn't home for three weeks, He did. He was the only person to ask how my day was. I still don’t understand how I didn't know. His cousin said he would have told me or shown more signs if he wanted me to know. I don't know what to believe.
By Nat 10 months ago in Psyche
The Urge to Run
The urge to run was bigger than the urge to stay. I had so many reasons to run. , I always thought running never solved anything until one day it did. People say leaving is the hard part but it’s not. Knowing you can never go back is one of the hardest lessons you can learn. I don’t know where it all began. I know that I am not alone in this. I am not the first girl who desperately needed a way out and I know that I wouldn’t be the last. I genuinely felt like I had to run to undo my mistake. I had to try at least. Maybe there I would like myself and finally work on my mental health. Before he died he told me that if we can feel happiness we should be grateful. The more he isn’t here the more I want to run. I always used to say that I wouldn’t leave without him but I can’t stay here without him. It just doesn't feel right. I know too much about this city. Sometimes a city will tell you when it’s time to go.
By Nat 12 months ago in Psyche
Kind of Cruel
At first I thought that we were just kind of cruel. We were teenagers who thought we didn’t matter. It was almost like we knew each other in another life. We just understood each other without speaking. We both loved each other very much but we weren’t good for each other. Sadly only one of us made it out of that shitty town. I can’t blame him for his actions, if I were in his shoes I honestly would have done the same thing. We both lost very important people in our lives, I think that we still have more people to lose. I just didn’t know he was going to be one of them. Whenever I think about it for too long I get the same amount of anger I felt when I watched him die. All we wanted to do was make our hometown proud and it doesn’t feel like any of us did. It got all too much for him and I wish I could’ve seen it at the time. When the worst was happening to both of us we were always there for eachother. I didn’t know how to be a person without him. We swore that one day we would be running that city. Now I can’t go anywhere in that city without feeling sick.
By Nat about a year ago in Psyche
Broolynn Is Lonely
Suddenly it’s December and you’re not 16 anymore and you haven’t been 16 in a long time but sometimes you still feel stuck in that little project apartment in Brooklyn.The fact that time passes and things change and people leave and you can only go back to a place physically and you will never be 14 ,15 ,and 16 again. I still don’t understand how we are meant to endure that. It all changed for me but not for him. We both made excuses for each others issues but the truth is we ere hiding from something much bigger. It made leaving feel like finally being able to breathe. We were both deeply sad people. It made sense that one of us wasn’t going to survive. I know that it’s not my fault but sometimes it feels like I did this.
By Nat about a year ago in Confessions
Things I’ve Learned While Loving Someone in Active Addiction.
I learned a lot from being in a long term relationship with someone who struggled with a drug addiction. He never wanted to be like His uncle but he ended up being exactly like him. He was clean until he wasn’t. He would call himself the worst type of addict because he was addicted to the rush of it all way more than the actual drugs. I learned a lot about addiction from him. I learned that he thought that when it was good he thought the world glimmered with hope and when it was bad there was no getting out of it. I used to think that that feeling alone would make anyone stop. That the good must feel worse than all of the people that he was hurting. For him it never did.
By Nat about a year ago in Psyche
The Great War
The leaving never bothered me. I don’t think I was born to actually finish anything. I was always the first to arrive and the first to leave. Going back just proved that the city was the same as it ever was. I remember telling someone that I was leaving to fight a war. I guess the war was between me, myself and I. I don’t even know what I was fighting for anymore but it turned into something bigger. I thought that I had to burn all of my bridges when that wasn’t the case. I just wanted a fresh start that didn’t involved staying in a city that was slowly killing me. I am still unsure of how I got here. I remember my mentor telling me to smile even when I wanted to die because women like us are tough and that we can do anything especially with a broken brain.
By Nat 2 years ago in Psyche
Breaking the Silence: My Healing Process. Content Warning.
I had a teacher who taught me how to be passionate and how to stick out because I wasn’t very confident. Now he should be on a list of adults children should not trust. I don’t know why I thought I knew him that well. I believed in all of his lies because I thought that he would never do what he did. He used to tell me that “ I would understand when I’m older. I wonder if it ever crossed his mind that if I was young enough to talk down too maybe I was too young to be sleeping with him. It was a very confusing time in my life. I felt all alone and he was there.
By Nat 2 years ago in Psyche
I Am Not Fun Anymore.. Content Warning.
Everyday I’m getting older, everyday brings more mistakes. leaving the way I did was a way of saying fuck you. It was my final act of rebellion, my way of asserting my identity and my independence. My old friends told me that I am no longer fun anymore and I laughed but the longer I think about it the less funny it became. It became a very odd thing to think about, I lived in a place were if I died it would definitely shock people but they wouldn’t be surprised that was when I knew that I needed to change.
By Nat 2 years ago in Confessions
That New York Apartment.
I never thought that I would be here I am today. I had so many reasons to run. Of course leaving hurt. It hurt like nothing else in the world and I was supper scared. I was so tired of being the girl that I was. I felt stuck in the place that most others think is so freeing. I’m sorry that I left but it was for the best even though something always felt odd. I watched the city change. I don’t know New York anymore. Someone had to have left first. I knew deep down that it would be me. I don’t think the people I loved knew that I was going to leave the way I did but I knew when I was young that I wouldn’t stay in the city. I did the minimum anyone asked me, always shouting but not to loud. Just trying to blend in with the rage of NYC.
By Nat 2 years ago in Confessions
Friends to Lovers but in Real Life.
I thought that we were both the same with absent fathers and mothers who was a drunk. I know that for me I felt like I couldn’t leave no matter how badly I wanted to or needed to. For you, you wouldn’t leave no matter what. you found solace in your unwavering loyalty as if the stability you provided could compensate for the lack of it in your own life. I wanted to get out of there and as far away as possible but no matter how far I ran, it was just not enough.
By Nat 2 years ago in Humans
My Only What If
When I was 18 and about to move half way across the country, there was a boy. A boy who begged me to stay. We loved each other very much but the urge to do better was more. He wanted me to stay cause then I would be safe. I wanted to be the one to finally get out. When people ask me if I regret anything, I don’t know how to answer. I don’t regret leaving but I do regret how I left. I went to his apartment to say goodbye to his sister. He wasn’t supposed to be home but he was and he saw me as I was leaving. We stared at each other. He asked me why I wasn’t going to say anything. I said I’m sorry but don’t you remember how you told me that I was better than this neighborhood. So I got on the plane. I left the way I left for a reason. I knew that if I spoke to him that I would have stayed. there wasn’t a lot that I wouldn’t do for him but I needed this more.
By Nat 2 years ago in Confessions
How to Relight the Fire in Your Eyes That Died So Long Ago. Content Warning.
I lived most of my life suffering I do not know how to live with out it. The light went out in my eyes a long time ago. My family and friends asks me how I’m doing and they let me lie. I really don’t want to talk about it. I can pretend to be “normal”. being out kind of makes me feel like i’m drowning. Maybe I should have opened up before it all got too much. I have been here before I should have remembered the outcomes. When things were really bad, when I was younger I would never want to be alone. I was scared of what could happen if I was by myself. Now I like the quiet. When I’m not in the right head space I will cut people out of my life. I started to like it. I didn’t have to pretend anymore. The people I love know when I’m not feeling the best now because of it. I’m not sure which is better.
By Nat 2 years ago in Psyche