Kind of Cruel

At first I thought that we were just kind of cruel. We were teenagers who thought we didn’t matter. It was almost like we knew each other in another life. We just understood each other without speaking. We both loved each other very much but we weren’t good for each other. Sadly only one of us made it out of that shitty town. I can’t blame him for his actions, if I were in his shoes I honestly would have done the same thing. We both lost very important people in our lives, I think that we still have more people to lose. I just didn’t know he was going to be one of them. Whenever I think about it for too long I get the same amount of anger I felt when I watched him die. All we wanted to do was make our hometown proud and it doesn’t feel like any of us did. It got all too much for him and I wish I could’ve seen it at the time. When the worst was happening to both of us we were always there for eachother. I didn’t know how to be a person without him. We swore that one day we would be running that city. Now I can’t go anywhere in that city without feeling sick.

The truth is that he was not cruel. I always thought that we would make it. I never thought this was going to happen. When I realized that this is real. He was never going to come back. I remember talking to him about how I can be better if I could get out of this place. Now I guess I can leave . How cruel is that, the only reason I felt like I couldn’t leave was because of him. Now I feel like I can’t leave because he isn’t here anymore. Now I just feel this strange type of guilt. For two years all we wanted to do was leave. The fact is time went on for everyone else and I didn’t notice. I am still 17 , thinking about what should have been. I watched the color drain from his face. I knew that I couldn’t save him. The more I think about it the angrier I get. He really has me surrounded. I feel him everywhere in this stupid city. We will never get back to what we were. I couldn’t save him, I couldn’t even save myself. It felt like no one else cared. We were all we had. How cruel is that.

I cry for the life he lived and I cry for the one he didn’t. No one expects a 17 year old to die. Especially in the tragic way he did. I feel half responsible and that makes me feel guilty. I was 17 when he died, and I have been 17 ever since. I had to let go of the illusion that anything could have been any different. People still talk about him like he was some kind of legend. I made it out alive but I am pretty sure I lost it. I lost a Lot more than just a partner that night. He was supposed to be the one who made it out. I'm sad that he isn't the one who made it out with me. Everyone knows that I tried to see the “bright side” but there is no bright side when someone you love is gone. I swear I see him everywhere. I see his face in waiters and random people walking down the street. How cruel is that.