Broolynn Is Lonely

Suddenly it’s December and you’re not 16 anymore and you haven’t been 16 in a long time but sometimes you still feel stuck in that little project apartment in Brooklyn.The fact that time passes and things change and people leave and you can only go back to a place physically and you will never be 14 ,15 ,and 16 again. I still don’t understand how we are meant to endure that. It all changed for me but not for him. We both made excuses for each others issues but the truth is we ere hiding from something much bigger. It made leaving feel like finally being able to breathe. We were both deeply sad people. It made sense that one of us wasn’t going to survive. I know that it’s not my fault but sometimes it feels like I did this.

Someday I’ll be able to let Brooklyn go. Someday the sun will rise and we can all start again. I am not the same sad little girl from New York anymore. he really did think we would get what we wanted. We Were both raised by people who were not the best and we still as adults cary that with us. It made us realize that we always needed to be ready for a funeral. The more I think about that time the more angry I get. I needed a fresh start so I died my hair blonde. Some how I’m back home and everything is still. He would always tell me that it was no time to think about the past but somehow it’s all I can think about. I still him in the back of my head all of the time. It’s getting harder and harder to pretend I’m having the time of my life. I keep telling myself that I can handle whatever is thrown at me but I can still hear my best friend telling me that all I have to do is fake it till you make it.

I didn’t think of Brooklyn as home until I left it. How can some place so lonely be the only place where I felt seen? I have nothing to prove here. There is a part of me that keeps holding on, just in case if someone asks if i still consider Brooklyn home. Of course, home is one of the only places you run from. I’ve been running from Brooklyn since as long as I can remember. It doesn’t really matter how it happened when you’re looking back, I just hope everyone is okay. The anger I had deep inside of me felt good for a while actually. I was picking fights with my family and friends for no reason and drinking more than usual. that’s when I knew Brooklyn was lonely. I was miserable and I was making everyone around me miserable too. I felt good about me staying until I didn’t. We were two miserable kids and now it’s just me.

When we were depressed we would drink a bottle of whatever we could get our hands on and somehow everything could make sense again. We were awful to each other but somehow we made Brooklyn less lonely, now that he’s gone; it’s make to way it was before. The only difference is that I do not drink anymore. I haven’t drank since that night and I don’t think I ever will. It got so bad that I didn’t know what else to do but to leave. I just pretend that he was never here which makes everything ten times worse. I Want to be able to go home again.