Nat

Joined June 2022

49 stories

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She/her/hers

writing about adoption, mental health, and chronic Illness.

Stories (49)

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On Being in Love With an Addict. Content Warning.
We made sense together. The downfall of our relationship wasn’t the drugs. It was how the drugs made him act. Our relationship was always complicated, drinking and drugs didn’t help anything. We both had crappy childhoods. We understood each other. I understood why he did the things he did. I tried saving him but I knew it wasn’t going to work. He was going to have to want to get help but I couldn’t keep watching him harm himself. It took me a long time to get over that guilt. I have a lot of regret about how I left the relationship. For a long time I blamed myself. I thought that nothing I do is going to make him get sober. I didn’t understand that it needs to be more than me. He needed to admit that he needs help. I wish being in love was enough. I wish it counted for anything at all. We were both just kids who were forced to grow up quickly.
By Nat 2 years ago in Psyche
Leave the past behind: A guide to moving on and finding happiness.
There are no written guidelines on how to survive. Sometimes I really believe it, that I am going to save my life. I didn’t realize how suffocating that house could be until I left. All of the doors look like me leaving. I hate how everyone expects me to bounce back like that is so easy. It’s not that simple. Dealing with everything at once can feel overwelming. Many people assume I’m fine so they don’t ask anymore. It’s like I have to put on a happy face for everyone around me even when I am not okay. It’s hard.
By Nat 2 years ago in Confessions
7 Years of Bad Luck
The day I met him I broke a mirror. I should have known it wasn't going to end well. After seven years I finally waked away. I finally took him off the pedestal and his fall from grace looks great from this point of view. I gave him all the best of me. I wasn't surprised how we ended but that doesn't mean that it didn't hurt. The love wa there but that didn't really change anything. It didn't save anyone. There were just too many forces against us but it still didn't matter that the love was there. When he told me that being in love felt like a job, not something he really wanted, just something you have to do, a part of me broke.
By Nat 2 years ago in Confessions
Surviving PTSD
I don't remember a lot of my childhood. At first, I just thought I had bad anger issues. All of my friends thought I was a very happy human being, because that is how I acted. Pretending that I was happy all of the time was just making me exhausted. The more tired I got the more I just did not care anymore. Being the always-happy, always-smiling girl was killing me now I'm just really angry. It makes sense that I am angry. In another universe my window is open and I'm lying on the floor. I am three years old and nothing bad has happened to me yet.
By Nat 2 years ago in Psyche
A Letter to My Soulmate.. Content Warning.
I am not the person I was ten years ago and I don't think I will ever be her again. It's been a rough decade. If one thing went differently would I still feel this way. I'm trying to become the person I was back then, I just don't know how. I had so many reasons to run away. I thought it was the best possible thing I could do. I was in such a bad places after losing you that I couldn't stand to me in the same city let alone the same state that you died in. Ever since your death I do not remember what I used to fight for.
By Nat 2 years ago in Psyche
I Don’t Blame My Bio Mother for My Adoption
I was adopted as a baby to a really nice single mom. A lot of people don't realize that all adoptions cause trauma. It doesn't matter if it was for the best or not. As a child I was constantly wondering why my birth parents didn't want me. Birthdays have always been very emotional for me and they always bring up more questions. More questions my adopted mom didn't know the answers too. I remember being 10 years old and a family member tells me that If I stayed with my birth family I would be dead by now. At the time I didn't matter to me that they have never met my bio family. For years I really thought that that was true. I learned later that my Bio father tried to kill me as an infant. I honestly wish I never knew that information. I always knew that he wasn't the greatest man but I really didn't need to know that.
By Nat 2 years ago in Families
More is always better
I didn't expect to see him here, Outside smoking. I'm rocking a nicotine patch. I was joking, I mean I did quit but who feels like joking now? I saw his scowl and raised him a furrowed brow. I hope he remembers how we used to read Shakespeare and we barely understood it but it gave us a voice or a language. I don't read anymore but if I did We would be reading it tonight for sure. I keep thinking about how the timing feels false. Some days are faster than my fucking pulse and others go so slow like this morning felt like a month ago. There was a time when I thought that we were going to always be together. It was the three of us against the world. We were happy. I am having a hard time letting that go.
By Nat 2 years ago in Psyche
All Grown Up. Content Warning.
He was young my science teacher. It was love or so I thought. He taught me how to be passionate and how to stick out when you aren't very confident. Now he's on a list of adults not to trust. I don't know why knew him that much. I don't actually remember anything I was supposed to learn in science during those years. But loves a pretty fickle creature that's the lesson I was taught. I pretended I adjusted, as the silence ate away. I told someone I thought I trusted, but she didn't even wait a day. This was not supposed to happen not today and not to me. Now it's little lies and Big decisions, Who to tell and where to go. Follow someone else's vision or trust my own cause I don't know. it's bittersweet to think about the damage that we'd do. Cause I was going down but I was doing it with him. Was I stupid to love him? Reckless to want to help? was it obvious to everyone else? He was never on my side. There's things I want to tell everyone but I'll just let it be.
By Nat 2 years ago in Psyche
Suffering and smiling: how to pretend you're not chronically ill
Research shows that people with postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome have the same quality of life as kidney failure patents that are on dialysis. I don’t think a lot of people realize that it’s bad. When I was diagnosed my doctor said that it’s not a death sentence but it might feel like one. I know that I’m not going to get better. I don’t think that I truly made peace with that. It’s not a cold I am not going to wake up one day and be perfectly fine. I don’t think that my family fully understands. My life isn’t about living anymore it was about surviving. I want my life so bad. I’m doing everything I can. 15% of patients with my condition faint. I am sadly apart of that 15%. On the bad days I faint somewhere between 4-9 times a day. It’s a very isolating experience. So the doctors and the clinics everything a patient tries. Anything to get me to remotely feel better.
By Nat 2 years ago in Psyche
On Being Lucky. Content Warning.
He was killed in front of me but the waiting at the hospital was the worst. Maybe it’s me but it all feels like lifetimes ago. I always thought that we would make it, I guess not. Being the only one to get out hurts. He was the first person I knew to die from gun violence. He wasn’t the last either. It changes you. Losing someone always does but it changes you more when it comes from such violence. At his funeral I think I died a little bit inside. He always knew what to do. I never knew what to do. I still do not know what to do. One day he was gone and I never really moved on.
By Nat 3 years ago in Psyche
My Year of Grief and Cancelation. . Content Warning.
I am standing in this room wondering what comes now. I know I have to help her but I just don’t know how. All the times I’ve been told about the way her illness goes but the truth of it is no one really knows. Every day the act gets more and more absurd. All of the fear that sits inside me screaming to be heard. I know they won’t though not a single word. I was there at her side. When she called When she cried. How could she leave me here alone? Will she stay sober this time, there is no way to be sure but I’m weary to the bone. Whenever she goes “flying” I keep both feet firmly on the ground. Now I need some help and there is no one around. I never had to face life without her at my side. Now I’m walking right beside her as a black hole opens wide. Mine is just a slower death. I’ve been there for every high and every low but it’s the worst it’s ever been. she’s been hurt but I can’t give up now. Cause I have never been alone.
By Nat 3 years ago in Confessions
The Art of Disappearing: A Guide to Starting Anew. Content Warning.
I think I am addicted to the loneliness. it’s one of the strongest emotions that I have ever felt. Maybe it’s my destiny. Disappearing was something that I thought of often. The times that I have I do not feel alone. Running away made sense. I have no one here anymore. everyone who loved me has died. Staying here didn’t help anyone, So I left. I sometimes think that I left myself behind. I know it’s for the better.
By Nat 3 years ago in Psyche