Conrad Hannon
Bio
Conrad Hannon, a pseudonym, is a satirist, humorist, and commentator. He's stricken with a peculiar malady, a dual infection of technophilia and bibliophilia. To add to this, he harbors an unsettling fondness for history and civics.
Stories (18)
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We Bubble-Wrap Everything Except What Actually Matters
Here's the thing about modern society: we're all walking a tightrope, but we're wearing bubble wrap while doing it. On one side, we've developed an almost pathological aversion to risk. We bubble-wrap our kids, sanitize our hands to the point of desiccation, and treat gluten like it's radioactive. We've become so risk-averse that we've practically turned our homes into fortresses, our cars into tanks, and our diets into a bland parade of quinoa and kale. Safety regulations have safety regulations, and warning labels appear on everything from coffee cups to toothpicks. It's as if we're trying to childproof the entire world, forgetting that life is inherently risky.
By Conrad Hannon6 months ago in Humans
The Divine Coder:
In this audacious age of scientific speculation, where armchair philosophers and Silicon Valley demigods raise quizzical brows at reality's nature, we've stumbled upon a delightful cosmic conundrum: Simulation Theory. This proposition suggests we're merely blips of data within some incomprehensibly advanced civilization's hard drive. The universe, in all its vastness, is software, and we are sentient simulations within it.
By Conrad Hannon6 months ago in Futurism
The Seduction of Nihilhedonism:
The sirens of ancient Greek mythology were known for their captivating and deadly music, luring unwitting sailors to their doom. Well, if I may be so bold, the philosophical concept of nihilhedonism is remarkably similar to those mythical songstresses, irresistibly alluring, fatally misleading, and draped in a façade of pleasurable pursuits.
By Conrad Hannon6 months ago in Psyche
A Call in the Rain:
In an age when we debate the meaning of civic duty and individual responsibility, the story of a sixteen-year-old girl's midnight ride through a Revolutionary War thunderstorm offers both inspiration and instruction. On April 26, 1777, while most Americans slept safely in their beds, Sybil Ludington galloped through forty miles of dangerous terrain to rally her father's militia, a feat that helped turn the tide of a critical battle and embodied the citizen courage that independence demands.
By Conrad Hannon6 months ago in History
Oikophobia, or How the Left Learned to Hate Its Own Reflection
Let us begin with a word that sounds like a Victorian sneeze and carries the diagnostic precision of a Freudian sideshow act: oikophobia. No, it's not an obscure Mediterranean allergy, though you'd be forgiven for imagining it's what afflicts aristocrats when confronted with the working class. Rather, it's the fashionable loathing of one's own cultural home—an ideological self-flagellation that has become the ambient theology of a disturbingly large segment of modern progressivism.
By Conrad Hannon7 months ago in The Swamp
Tattoos for Tots
In the grand carnival of our perpetually progressing society, every day brings fresh opportunities to cast aside dusty traditions and dance wildly into the realm of innovation. Among the array of societal taboos ripe for reconsideration, one surprisingly persists—our arbitrary denial of tattoos to children. Yes, my good friends, the absurdity must cease; it's high time we acknowledge the autonomy and self-expression of our youngest citizens by letting them ink their hearts onto their sleeves—literally.
By Conrad Hannon7 months ago in Confessions
The Last Counterculture Reads the Bill of Rights
Once upon a time — say, around 1789 — civic literacy was the expectation. Politicians quoted Cicero without footnotes. Farmers could debate the finer points of separation of powers while milking cows. The average newspaper reader knew the difference between a republic and a democracy, and more importantly, why it mattered.
By Conrad Hannon7 months ago in The Swamp
Cry Me a Discourse:
It started with a simple, heartfelt post — a man honoring his late father on Father's Day. No political jab, no campaign message, just a brief, sincere note about love and loss. Within minutes, the comment section erupted. One prominent critic sneered that the man's father would be "ashamed of him" — not because of anything he said, but because of who he voted for.
By Conrad Hannon7 months ago in Humans
From Hauler to Hauled:
Somewhere in rural America, a horse stands in quiet triumph inside a plush, rubber-floored trailer hitched to a Ford Super Duty. Its hay is pre-fluffed, the windows are tinted, and a fan hums to keep the air circulating just so. Outside, a human in cargo shorts and wraparound sunglasses checks the tie-downs and double-knots the lead rope. A meme captures the moment perfectly: Then—a horse pulling a wagon. Now—a wagon pulling the horse. Caption: “Well played, horse, well played.”
By Conrad Hannon7 months ago in The Swamp
Redefining Speed:
Introduction: Redefining the Food Chain (Through Falling Really, Really Fast) When we think of the fastest animal on Earth, images of a diving peregrine falcon or a sprinting cheetah usually come to mind. The peregrine falcon's stooping dive can reach up to 242 mph (389 km/h) under experimental conditions, and a cheetah can sprint at around 70 mph (112 km/h) in short bursts. These speeds are extraordinary by natural standards—impressive enough to make any reasonable biologist nod approvingly while checking boxes on their "nature is amazing" clipboard.
By Conrad Hannon7 months ago in Futurism
Stillness at Supersonic Speed:
Picture this: You're settled into your window seat aboard a Boeing 747, sipping coffee as you gaze out at the clouds drifting peacefully below. Your book rests motionless on the tray table. Your fellow passengers sit quietly in their seats. Everything around you is perfectly still.
By Conrad Hannon7 months ago in FYI
