The Proper Order of Dressing for a Gentleman

Clothes make the man. Or at least they make the man less naked. The trouble is there is so much clothing to choose from and so many different types. These days a fashionable man needs more than a codpiece and a cravat to be acceptable in polite society. Often, several articles of clothing are involved. But in what order should they be put on?

Toes are the main problem. You need to cover those little bastards as soon as possible. There are two reasons for this. The first is in case anyone walks in on you while you are naked. As any armchair psychiatrist knows, the phallus can be threatening when encountered unexpectedly. Toes are phallic in shape. And there are ten of them. And they are constantly erect. Think how terrible it would be to suddenly come upon a naked man with ten erect phalluses protruding from the ends of his feet.

If this argument doesn’t work for you, just picture in your mind a naked man. Now picture another man wearing nothing but socks. Which is less threatening? It’s obviously the dude with socks on. He looks like a fool. The guy with naked toes is far more threatening.

“But why does this matter?” you may ask.

The reason is simple. Men are a violent, combative gender. When we feel threatened, we respond with violence. Picture the following scenario. You’ve cycled into work. You’ve showered. You are standing there, butt-naked, wondering which article of clothing to put on first. But you’ve forgotten to lock the door. It opens. Another male of the species barges in. He sees your toes. He feels threatened. Before you know it, the two of you are locked in mortal combat. Your antlers are entangled and the cubicle is awash with blood.

All of this could have been avoided if only you’d put some socks on as soon as you stepped out of the shower.

The other problem with toes is their pokiness. They stick out and catch on things — things like underwear. Thongs are the worst because they are the thinnest. If you haven’t put on your socks yet and you try to put on a leopard-print thong, there is a serious risk that it will catch between your toes.

At this point, you are standing on one foot, bent over with both hands and one foot tangled up in the thong. You lose your balance. Your supporting foot slips out from under you. You fall over, banging your head on the sink. Maybe you fall on the chair placed there to keep your clothes off the floor. What if you forgot to close the door again? The mysterious, antler-clad stranger opens it. You’re draped over a chair, completely naked except for a leopard-print thong jammed between your toes — your rump pointed to the sky. It may suggest an invitation you didn’t intend.

Trust me, put the socks on first.

The thong goes next as it will be under pretty much everything else. Then it’s decision time. Do you plan to tuck your shirt into your trousers or not? If you plan to tuck, put on the top — if not, then the trousers. Once again, having the socks on will help smooth the way for the trousers. It’s almost as bad to have someone barge in on you when you’re bent over a chair in a leopard-print thong as it is to be completely naked at the time.

Once you’ve got your shirt and trousers on, you should put your shoes on. The shoes need to come before the hat. If you put the hat on first, it will fall off as soon as you go to tie your shoes. This is especially true if the hat is very tall — for example, one of those big black furry hats worn by the guys who guard the queen.

So, in summary, this is the correct order of dressing for a gentleman:

1. Socks
2. Leopard-print thong
3. Shirt
4. Trousers
5. Big black furry hat

---

This post was originally published on Medium.com.