Why ROCK?

The stone is silent, not mute. It was buried deep within my being, awaiting it’s truth to be heard and seen. I am ROCK solid. The one some cast away at sea or try to hide. I carry Truth. Truth that is gritty makes some turn away. Are you strong enough to stay? ~

For years I have written under the pseudonym, "ROCK": quite simply I was afraid to write the truth of my life experiences with brutal honesty or use my actual name. My childhood and early adult life (actually through my mid-fifties) was quite messy emotionally so coming out of my hiding place was truly frightening. During the Covid pandemic is when I really began to let it all out on my (clickity-click) blog which now I have more or less abandoned yet I am considering revisiting after another thwarted attempt last year to find resolve with my past abuser. If you decide to read some of my hard personal work, I strongly suggest starting from the very beginning to get a feel for Lm and ROCK's relationship. Sharing how my main characters Lm, (Little Me), Mm, (Middle Me), ROCK, (my core strength) merge to create a more whole, grounded self was the most significant accomplishment I have made.

Years of inner strife affected all of my relationships: I wrote it out to survive. My father aka "Bad Dad" is and was an emotionally unstable, mentally abusive and even sexually inappropriate parent whom I adored. Despite his abuse I fought for more until I had no choice but to fight for my own inner child: waiting for someone else to save me was never going to happen.

Here is an excerpt from my blog starring "Little Me" and my beloved ROCK: WARNING! Childhood Trauma

Oh Where, Oh Where Has Little Me Gone, Oh Where, Oh Where Can She Be? Posted on June 18, 2023 by ROCK

She fell backwards then downwards, landing at the bottom of her darkest place; she laid there for days refusing to accept TRUTH doesn’t matter. Rock as always stood near but honestly, he feels ashamed as he never saw this coming. She’s been so forward, following her own path and rules then as Father’s Day approached stateside and in the UK she leaned into her Buddhist and mindful consciousness and forgiveness came to mind. She had conditions however; she wanted to be heard and have a safe space, a witness, a protector so she could say outloud to her BadDad all she remembered and all she knew. That is not forgiveness. She wanted him to be seen for who he was, is and will always be by someone else, too. She sets her standards very high and wrongly assumed others after twenty years may have grown wiser. She was way off course. No one wants to hear that her Bad Dad hit on her friends and even her whilst sober and drunk. No one wants to know he had an affair or one hundred and she has proof. Lm sunk into her bellied belief that someone in her paternal family cares. They don’t. They are all suckers for his new working persona. He doesn’t feel guilty and although he always quoted, “There are no atheists in a foxhole” that epitaph doesn’t ring true. He doesn't want redemption to get into heaven, if there is one, and he sure as hell doesn’t want Lm. How did this whole thing get triggered? On her sixtieth birthday in January he wrote her an email saying he will always love her. She had blocked every account he had so he couldn’t reach her. Yet, the schemer always has had his tricks. She deleted the email and let it simmer. Six months after this email under extreme stress, feeling sick (she always gets sentimental when getting sick), she broke her rules and wrote his wife. His wife as always, the one a year younger than Lm, shut her down. Luckily, a few days later while convalescing Lm turned on the television after moping about for a day and there was Oprah Winfrey and Michelle Obama. Michelle Obama said, “Some people never outgrow their smallness”. Basically, Lm’s father’s wife loves a good grudge, thrives on them and has no intention of letting Lm near her father or her family. Lm was bullied by this woman because she has always not known how to stand up for herself, never been quick on her feet, nor good at come backs and when her BadDad’s wife yelled at her or wrote or said mean things to her in the past she just cried. Being an empath, extremely sensitive is a good quality, a beautiful way to exist, yet it has it’s drawbacks and bullies love to watch the way Lm sinks, loses control and runs away from her pain. Luckily, Rock has seen her inner strength struggling to regain her balance and although she is not even on the first step, she is aware that she has fallen and it won’t be long before she gets up and starts to trust the ones who are here NOW, allowing them to comfort her and allowing herself forgiveness for falling off the “No Contact” wagon. For those who have wonderful parents, be they a Father or two, a Mother or Grandparent who love you, hang on to the good stuff. The bad seed planted by the ones that hurt you may try to sprout when you are weak but you don’t have to water it. Sow self love. ~

Our hero ROCK was actually found years ago in the forest by a teenage boy in Sweden. The boy would grow up leaving his strange relic sitting in his mother's garden at their country house for years. When I met ROCK I knew he was my guardian forever...he is quite heavy to haul around however. The boy would become my soulmate.

No one should ever be afraid to tell their truth, stand up for themselves or what is right. I was diagnosed with #PTSD in 2014 which directly correlates to my childhood and subsequent unresolved pain inflicted upon me by my father. I also had two abusive relationships and an unhappy marriage. Learning to love myself led to loving others in a healthier way also. I am no longer afraid to write what I feel, say what I think and explore my writing mindfully. I am Andrea Polla. I am ROCK. I am ME!