Who to be?

I often ask myself this question, who to be?

I was pondering about the old days when I used to be in my teens, I was this sweet innocent girl who was too good to be true! I only saw the good in people, for me life was a fairy tale and I got everything I wanted in life. I was living a miraculous life every second. I had great relationships with everyone and got everything I ever put my hand on. I was loved by every single person and was pampered by all. My teens were full of love, friendships and happiness. I was the best version of myself who attracted these greatest things in my life.

But then came my twenties and Oh God, I remember how my life changed and took a total U-turn. Where I was someone who was always loved by people, I was ignored, resented by many and struggled to get anything I ever wanted. My miraculous life suddenly became a nightmare to live in. It was chaos, wrong decisions, guilt, failure and heartache… I made new friends (so to say) but lost a few old gems along the way. But the worst part of all was that I was this same old sweet and innocent person, who had no idea about how people who loved me yesterday started to hate me today. I struggled for years to understand the reasons and make my life magic again. But no matter how hard I tried, I never got that life back.

Although this may seem like a bad ending, this is not the end. I am still writing my story and living my life. Now I’m living in the present but my life is the same, I am still resented by many but something in me changed. I learned along the way that I needed to grow. It was not just me who was wrong but others were wrong too. My innocence was my weakness but it is my strength too. I was too naive to understand the tragedies that innocent people go through, but this helped me learn my lesson. I am now someone who is innocent but people can not take advantage of me anymore. I don’t want everything that people always offered me, I get everything that I deserve and accept. I am not okay doing things that I don’t like for someone else’s sake and happiness. Yes, I may seem selfish to many but for me it is self-love.

I have traveled a journey from a ‘people pleaser’ to a ‘people person’. I am this grown woman who knows her likes, dislikes and choices. I am someone who understands what I am made of, who I want to be and what I want to do. I now love myself more with my flaws (so to say) than I loved myself before. I am still that innocent and sweet person but I am not just all that now. I am bold, confident, opinionated and passionate. And I love this new me, the more I miss my old self I realise ‘who to be?’. I want to be this new me, who just doesn't live for others but lives for herself too. Who is not afraid to ask for what she deserves rather than accepting whatever is given to her. She knows her choices and has her own identity, she stands out from the crowd because of her fierceness, intellect and personality.

While I was transforming into this person, I was filled with rage and anger because I realised how stupid I was all these years, living by the bounds of society, under the burden of relationships and with the naivety of not knowing myself. I wanted to become this new person who can never be loved, is strict, is restricted and lives with huge boundaries around her. I tried a lot to become this rude and blunt version of myself for many years hurting the ones around me, being stubborn and wanting to live life on her terms but no matter how hard I tried, I never became that person. That’s when I accepted this part of me, I can’t let go of my sweetness, care and innocence even if people try to use me. Do you know why? Because I understood along the way, that to be happy I have to accept this child within me, who still craves people’s love, who sometimes still has silly dreams. But now I don’t accept these people in my life who just want to walk all over me, because now I don’t take that I don’t deserve and this is what makes me who I am. This beautiful collab is what makes me my crazy self!

Hope you also find your lost self and love it as much as I do.

Have a wonderful day darling!