The Mint That Nearly Killed Me
A Cautionary Tale of the ’90s, One Chalky Tablet at a Time! Includes video of me reading the story!
This challenge initially seemed like a strange idea. I get it. AI and plagiarism are on the rise. But every single thing I write is mine and mine alone. Can you really imagine anyone else writing half the things I’ve written since I joined Vocal? But a challenge is a challenge.
Let me take you back to the 90s. Yep, the 90s—when grunge and Britpop, thrash and hip-hop, and electronic dance music were the soundtrack to my existence. Life was strolling along at a nice pace. Okay, I was feeling the strain of the teenage years and the looming adulthood horizon—but aside from that, things were alright.
Until one day, when my life nearly ended.
Shock horror!
No, I wasn’t almost murdered, don’t worry. It’s not that kind of story. It’s not about the time I had a head-on collision with a hatchback and lost. Not about the time my twin tried to kill me in our dear mother’s womb. (That last one didn’t happen. Probably…)
This one’s more in the tragicom vein—the sort of embarrassing tale you’ve probably come to expect from Mr. Paul Stewart. You know, the guy who kicked a girl in the vagina when he was a kid. That kinda story.
Trebor Extra Strong Mints. A name many will remember as the strongest mints on the market. Chalky tablets of pure mint-flavoured sugar that took an age to suck down—unless your teeth crunched them into oblivion first.
They were the perfect “I can’t be arsed to brush my teeth but need a mouth refresher just in case I get to kiss Kylie Minogue or Gillian Anderson” mint.
Well.
My undoing came thanks to one of those very mints.
It bypassed my teeth, my tongue, and slid straight down my throat—halfway.
That’s right. Halfway.
Cue panic. I was about to die. On a mint.
An Extra Strong Mint, sure—but still not a death befitting a legend like myself. That’s my own skewed view, of course.
In classic fashion, there was no one else home. I was alone. Gasping, wheezing, slowly losing my shit, trying to cough up this stubborn disc of doom.
I’m pretty sure the 15 years of my life prior flashed before my eyes—but there wasn’t much worth seeing, so I’ll spare you the highlight reel of me in nappies babbling nonsense.
I ran to the bathroom. Where else would I go?
I hit my chest, tried to force a cough, and was seconds from accepting my fate—curled up dead on the bathroom floor. But then, in one last desperate lunge, I drank water straight from the tap, hoping to dislodge it.
Eventually, it moved.
Premature death avoided.
I lived. To tell this tale and many others. To make it to 45 and counting. To have been in a rocky marriage, that was entirely my fault, which is now, thankfully, on the mend. To have two amazing kids, and to be at a point where I am starting to turn things around and make up for all the wasted time I lost to addiction. To win an award for a rhyming poem, no less, along with several other achievements for my writing. Death didn’t win. Like some anti-climactic, creatively-bankrupt Final Destination reject, the Mint did not get its man.
Next time, life—send Anton Chigurh. Not a bloody Trebor Extra Strong.
I still can’t eat one of those things without eyeballing it suspiciously.
Will they ever get their revenge for me taking out one of their elite? Stay tuned.
So far, nearly 30 years on, and I’m still alive and kicking.
But really, that’s life, isn’t it?
One day you’re sitting down with a cup of tea—milk and two sugars—peanut butter and jam sandwich in one hand, TV remote in the other, Common People playing on the telly.
Next, you’re in a death match with a chalky mint.
Never a dull day.
Here is me reading the story - proof that I actually wrote it. Please excuse the poor quality and the fact that I sound like a croaky old fart:
Thanks for reading and watching!
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Author's Notes: Yes, 100% true story. I don't like how my voice sounds, or that my teeth are gappy, but in keeping with the spirit of the challenge - there you go - me reading it to you!
Here are some other things:
About the Creator
Paul Stewart
Award-Winning Writer, Poet, Scottish-Italian, Subversive.
The Accidental Poet - Poetry Collection out now!
Streams and Scratches in My Mind coming soon!
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Comments (25)
Can't believe I missed this! I expected an allergy to one of the ingredients, I didn't think you'd be so daft as to choke on it 😂
What a fresh way go... jk, that would be absolutely terrifying. Made for a great read though, congrats on Runner-up on the I Wrote This Challenge!!
👏👏👏 So glad you won the match against the mint. Or as you put it- stubborn disc of doom.- Which would be an awesome name for a band, lol. Super Congrats on placing in the challenge, my friend!
This is priceless, Paul! I loved the story - glad you lived to regale us with your near death experience and keep us glued to our tiny screens reading the poems and stories only you could write. Probably not very many Iconoclasts on Vocal after all. Congrats on placing in the Challenge! Richly deserved! By the by, it’s a jolly good thing that Anton Chigurh is a fictional character.
Ahhhhh Paul…..if anyone were to meet their demise by a mint, it would be you…you best be careful…
Yippee! Great job on Runner Up for your amusing tale, for us listeners/readers… certainly not for you, almost dying.😳😵💫
Glad to see this made it on the list of winners! I thoroughly enjoyed this humorous tale. Congrats!
At least it gave you a fresh perspective on live. Pun intended. Strong work.
Pretty chill of that mint to help you win $15 all these decades later. That's what we call paying it forward (I think). Nicely done 😎
This was, as always, filled with your humour- I particularly liked "Like some anti-climactic, creatively-bankrupt Final Destination reject, the Mint did not get its man." Great to see the voice and man, behind the words after all this time Paul! Those mints remind me of Fisherman's Friend- they blast your entire mouth haha
So the best part of this challenge is that now when I read your stories, I'll hear them in your own voice (which sounds wonderful) instead of the made up voice my brain gave you. I, for one, am grateful you thwarted the evil plot of the extra strong mint and lived to write another day. What would Vocal be without your quirky tales and very supportive comments!
Your voice is fantastic, Paul! As is this story! Outstanding! I love how relatable this is too! Seems like most of us have had that choking close call with something, mine was a strip of bacon that I had to reach in my mouth and tug out!
Your voice is the gold dust touched by angels (it's great!). This story had me simultaneously laughing and shaking with fear. Massive props to you for being brave (if you were one of the brothers in my family, we'd say: "what's it like carrying a wheelbarrow for those nuts!?" Something we always say when one of us does something courageous). Glad you're still here and alive, and there has never been any doubt that your writing is your own.
Well, I've tried to choke on the odd piece of food now and then, but never a mint. On the bright side, I know how to Heimlic myself. On the other side, I konw exactly what a croaky old fart sounds like. Give yourself a few years. Well done, my young friend.
You don't sound like a croaky old fart at all! It was so nice to be able to read along to your voice. I'm just so glad you're alive. I've swallowed a bubble gum once as a kid. I thought I was gonna die hahahahaha
Another Paul classic, my friend. "They were the perfect “I can’t be arsed to brush my teeth but need a mouth refresher just in case I get to kiss Kylie Minogue or Gillian Anderson” mint." - just in case hey!!!
Oh man! I swallowed a sour ball once (like a round candy) and was so freaked out but I managed to swallow it. Hurt so bad!! So glad that sneaky mint didn't take you out! And lovely to hear your voice again :)
Yay!!!!! You finally did it! We get to hear your voice! Lovely! So happy you did this! Trebor mints - hmm. I'd take them over Fishermen's Friend any day of the week, but it's a pretty close thing. Good luck in the challenge Paul!
great to see the face and hear the voice--the voice comes thru in your writing
Yes, that would have been quite the quirky death. What if the EMS came and noticed what killed you was a mint. Good job.
Not sure how eyeballing the herbal-flavoured assassin is supposed to help you... I wouldn't have touched a mint again after such a daring attempt on my life. You're playing with fire!
Well, I'm glad you survived the evil mentality and lived to share the tale with us. Well done, buddy. Good luck on the challenge and all future mints.
I actually let you tell me this story, Paul. Instead of reading for a change. It was nice. Like I was visiting with you and Ms. Ruth for a bit, even if for only one tale.
Lol love the video. Defo cannot imagine anyone doing Paul, certainly not Paul better than you anyway! Glad you survived though. Minty little barstewards!
Ahhh I felt the mint getting stuck halfway as you described it haha