Absent Fathers

I took a knife and slit her throat in her sleep

No lies would come out of her mouth,

Again

It is sad how I had to kill her,

To turn her into a better person

A better corpse,

What we think of relatives in suicide pods

Others out there are burnt beyond recognition,

Her coffin could still be opened for viewing

To search for the questions her pale face might ask.

She tried to change but something kept derailing her

At least that is what she told me,

Told me she feared being murdered

To leave her children to fend for themselves,

How will they fend for themselves when I am around?

A question I ought to have asked at the time

Because you will be the one who will kill me,

This is what she meant without uttering a word

A plea not to bring life to those murderous thoughts,

How shameful I was that she could see through me.

I could also see through her subtle protests

How her body screamed at me,

Whenever I hugged her in the morning when she leaves for work

Through the meals she prepared,

The texts she sent me

Her words became emptier by the day,

Food was no longer in the microwave

When I am late,

Who should make the bed when you wake up late?

Questions posed when you stayed all night working.

Who knows how many people she slept with

When she already has a child?

How the uncles tried to undermine her worth

When negotiating her dowry,

The insults I did not tolerate for someone I shared life with

I found out I am not the only one,

What I painfully expressed at a family meeting

When I needed guidance,

A gathering which I am now lynched for having stood by her

For culture demands we strip women of their dignity,

Those who cannot walk the route naked cannot be wed.

Look what your mother made me to do?

A question of blame I screamed out at the children

Standing at the door sobbing in disbelief,

We are always worried about strangers we meet online

But not who we share a bed with,

Look what you made father to do

A statement posed out of fear,

Fear that I might turn a knife on them

If they do not side with me against her

But who shall side with them when I am imprisoned and absent?