Throwing Stones
Why are we so keen to drag others down?
Millie Bobby Brown (Eleven from Stranger Things) talks on Instagram
I don't know about you but at the moment, I am constantly questioning people's motivations for things. Is it a state of the world thing? Maybe. I think that it is also to do with a recent surge in my consumption of videos in the last couple of days after the debacle in the Oval Office. But that's another story.
In an attempt to look outwards and find evidence that the world is not going to hell in a hand-basket, I have been exploring social media and as usual, the things that land in my feed are subjects that the algorithm believes I'll be interested in. Generally, it's right but a lot of it is dross and I scroll on by.
However, there is the odd one or two that make me stop, even if I'm not aware of the person involved or the context of the comment or reel. It was actually this post shared by another that caught my attention:
She's got a point, hasn't she? And what I like is that she's not afraid to confront her critics, naming the sources of the insults against her. I have a great deal of respect for Millie Bobby Brown, for doing this.
She shouldn't have to, of course.
It made me thoughtful and angry and sad; a strange cocktail of emotions but one which I am experiencing a lot and it is no 'Motional Mojito, I can tell you.
So, let's think about what Millie is saying.
We do judge on appearances and none of us can deny that. We are all drawn to beauty, style, a well-presented person. Our judgement may not be to the same degree but I think that when we lay eyes on someone, our brain takes in that information, processes it and how we perceive that image of someone is based on what we know, have learned, our values - whatever. I'm no psychologist, don't pretend to be but I am an observer of humans as part of the species and have a fair amount of learned experience and discussion to draw on.
For Millie Bobby Brown, it's not necessarily beauty or lack of it which is being targeted in her case, although it's implied in the fact that she is being criticised for her image choices. What is interesting about her argument is that "people" are expecting her to remain the same: the public, fans, media - whoever - have this idea of her and they are not happy that she is trying to stray outside of the box in which she has firmly been placed and as a result of her audacity, she is now fair game for anyone to poke.
There is an argument to say that if you court a life in the public eye, you have to accept that you will be a target but to what extent is this allowed before it verges on bullying? And why is that accepted? What fuels the need to target celebrities?
Millie Bobby Brown cites multiple examples of "journalists" who have written about the way she looks, none of the articles about her talent or projects. They're all about her appearance and they are all disparaging in some way.
Is this what we as the public want? To see stars brought down? To find scandal in the lives of people we have to entertain us?
Or is this solely a woman thing?
As a woman who is slowly drying up, crisping nicely as I head towards my senior years, I find this baffling. Millie must be in her twenties and looks pretty good to me. Maybe she's starting to look different to the girl she once was but as she says, she's an adult now. Jibes about her appearance seem to me to be an attempt to make fun of Millie but for what purpose?
In addition, Millie is keen to point out that some of her staunchest critics are women and she criticises them for their lack of support, quite rightly. Why have these women chosen to disparage her?
I'm trying to get my head around this, can you tell? The use of rhetorical questions should lead you to this. Because I don't like to undermine; I like to support. I don't like to tear at people; I like to put my arm around their shoulder and bring them forward or with me. I don't resent people's success; I rejoice in it.
But then I'm secure in my own skin. I also don't have people examining me daily with a view as to what I should be doing with it.
So, I think my point is this: do we throw stones at others who are more successful than us because this stems from our own insecurities? Is it envy that makes us want to bring others down? Is this human nature?
And the coup de grace: are we all bullies at heart?
I can't say that I have never looked at a paparazzi photo of a celebrity in a compromising position or looking dog rough. I'm not seeking it out but I have cast a guilty gaze over stars without make-up or them pictured in their lounge wear, getting a pint of milk.
If I'm not an eager consumer of this and I'm seeing it, then there must be a market for it.
Do we get more of a thrill from seeing people lose? Is it easier to lower people than to raise them up? Is it competition? Is it fear of something, innately programmed into us? Are we all built to love scandal?
I just don't know and this is going to puzzle me long beyond the end of this article.
And finally, do women have a duty to other women to provide solidarity in the face of this sort of targeted criticism?
*
To end, let's return to Millie and her closing statement and just absorb that because it's salient and astute and should be followed, not just for young girls but for the whole of humanity:
Let's do better. Not just for me but for every young girl who deserves to grow up without fear of being torn apart simply for existing.
Journalists of any kind should take note. And fellow humans. It costs nothing to be kind. Nothing at all. For some, it might not be as satisfying to pay a compliment as it is to wound someone but there is power and strength in being positive, more so than character or appearance assassination.
Like Millie says, let's do better.
***
As a postscript, I'd just like to point you to this Top Story from S.A. Crawford too, which sort of ties to this and is worth a read as it is really well-written:
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Comments (38)
Excellent article, one I missed, my apologies
nice to read
I do think we all may be bullies in our own ways. We tend to tear others down in order to make ourselves seem better instead of celebrating other's successes, looks, talents. We do need to do better.
Everyone loved her in Stranger Things, and everything else she does is compared to that. That's a rough deal. I only vaguely remember Lucas' comments, but "savage swipe" seems pretty strong. Headlines often seem harsher than the actual comments made, sometimes because it's a hook without further context, and others because it's rage bait. It's just shitty when people are the chum. Women, ofc, are the easiest and most acceptable targets 🙄
Hear, hear. A really important issue. Thanks for the article.
I am an emotional person, but I don't easily show my emotions. But the genesis of this article made me bowl. I cry for the little girl abused, called names just because she is herself. Why? Even women take a jibe at another woman? What is happening to humanity? I am shocked and short of words as to what we are capable of. Even animals don't do this on their own. Yes, we can do better.
She was interviewed in Vanity Fair with a beautiful photo spread. Married to Bon Jovi's son. It is disgusting how people pick young women apart. She was a child when she began the series. Drew Barrymore was a child. Great job on this and congrats on TS!
Great piece, Rachel. The more social media we consume, the less human we become, in a way. I’m tired of judging and feeling judged by impossible standards. Millie makes absolutely poignant points.
I agree. I never liked the "public eye" POV either. If anything we should be more respectful of someone willing to put themselves out there. Thanks for taking apart what has been spinning in my kind from the news as well and making us feel more uplifted. Great piece and congratulations on the top story!
Profound and well written piece on a serious problem, especially of late, Rachel. Congratulations on a much deserved Top Story, too.
I love this. I am also so sick of the bullying. The bigger social media gets- the worse the bullying is. It's SO unnecessary. I've been guilty of it these past few weeks. But I've been bullying the bullies. I know the saying "two wrongs don't make a right" but I don't care about being right. I'm tried of people declaring open season on people over the internet. There's an influencer named Noelle Cheney. Her videos come up in my feed all the time and people keep leaving the same rude comment, "why the long face?" I think she's beautiful. I bully those people right back every time I see it. I'm so so tired of people's crap. Great piece. 💯
Well written, congrats 👏
I think your article is good, but I feel like no one is really reading the articles she mentioned. I actually found the first one she mentioned enlightening as I've been thinking people 10 years younger than me seem to look 10 years older than me (which messes me up trying to date), and I was always good at determining ages. The blue light seems to be an issue for everyone who grew up with screens directly in front of their faces daily and even older people now. I didn't like that they brought up fillers in every article and had doctors unfamiliar with her case (if there even is one) just looking and saying it looks like she had work done although one article did mention that it could be natural aging. Another issue is that all of the articles are DailyMail trash. Sometimes they use celebrities to sell articles, and other times they set people up to see how they react to a situation or as an attempt to make someone more popular. They all even seemed to cut and paste the same information from doctors not familiar with her. In all, it seemed like she focused on the parts where they try to address what users on Twitter said and missed the good notes they put in the articles as well, even though it did seem a little lopsided. One of the articles is about a comedy writer who wrote a character she just so happened to dress like, and I think they were laughing at the irony not the look itself. But even that one ended talking more about her upcoming movies and TV shows. Celebrities have been being treated this way for decades and because as you said, "we throw stones at others who are more successful". I think it is because a lot of people are told that they are better than others and some people don't like that the people they think they are better than have made it and they didn't. I think we all like to see successful people fail. Sports are a good analogy. Everyone became Eagles fans during the Superbowl because the Chiefs were about to be the 1st team to win 3 Superbowls in a row. I think another reason we like to see this is because if they fall, maybe there is a place for me now. Going back to cave people times if a chief or his wife died it meant someone would have more power and wealth. And since most people lack that, anyone who loses it makes those people a little happier. I agree that no one should put these girls down, but with social media added with fame it takes a much thicker skin, and you have to look for the good in the bad. As one of your commenters said, men go through this too, but we are told to suck it up or take it on the chin. The only thing that could make this go away is for parents to stop objectifying what they think beauty is for men and women and teach their children to see beauty in everyone. Until that starts happening, men and women will see other men and women in ways that are approving or disapproving which is why aging could be a worrisome trend in youth who want to appear more mature to follow trends or just be taken seriously. We also need to treat children that all people even them deserve respect. If children are never respected, they may grow up not respecting everyone including other children. At least that's how I would answer your questions. I wish no one had to go through any of it, but unfortunately, at some level, we all have, do or will.
Back to say congratulations on your Top Story! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊
This was so poignantly written Rachel, it brings to mind that saying "it costs nothing to be kind". Congrats on Top story, I'm glad this one is getting more eyes on it!!
Congrats on Top Story, Love the Story and you nailed it. Very proud of you…
Thought-provoking Top Story✅. Sad that people are too often judged on appearances not their ’heart’.🥺
Congratulations for being on Top stories feed. Great job...
Back to say congrats on Top Story! glad it got and funny enough I mentioned this piece when commenting on Rachel Robbins latest TS!
So glad this made top story. Well done.
There is this mean girls culture that is encouraged through various forms of media. Even the female rappers seem to be pitted against each other. I think it is a sign of the times. Bad girls club and being a bad b are encouraged. I'm in favor of individuality and more Love. After all God made us all different for a reason! I enjoyed this piece Rachel! Thx 4 sharing!🩷
Very nicely written and thought provoking. As a mother of teenage boys, I've been shocked at how much this isn't just a girl problem. There seems to be a nasty streak in many in that just will not let others be content to be themselves. I have a dear friend who always tries to compliment everyone, especially young girls, on something non-physical. Something like, "you have a wonderful laugh" or "you are so easy and fun to talk to." Her philosophy is that focusing on their inner beauty leaves a more lasting impression and something they can hold onto when the world tells them they are too tall, too skinny, to wrinkled, etc.
You raise some good questions and make some excellent points in this, Rachel. Just reading the titles of those articles is sickening, says a lot that kind of garbage gets both written and consumed
Well-wrought! Men are also ridiculed this way, but for different reasons. When they appear in old age to have lost their marbles, for instance. Thinking of Jim Carey and Gary Busey. I can honestly say I've never cared about appearances. I discovered very late that this was a source of great trouble throughout my life to which I was totally oblivious, because, not having that sort of mindset, I had no idea how much vitriol and resentment I was inviting from certain quarters by just existing in that state, and found myself often walking right into the gaslight. I still don't care. The difference for me now is that I recognize this predisposition to human vanity and understand how and why I should avoid it. In this sense, despite my tumultuous life, I feel blessed, as if a secret treasure were yeilded to me by fate. Yet it is naught but my own self-possession, hard-won.
I've never watched Stranger Things but I've heard of and seen photos of Eleven on social media. And I thought Eleven was a boy, lol! Imagine my surprise when I saw your introduction and realised it's a girl! I have no idea what all these people are saying about her ageing badly and stuff. She looks so pretty to me! Like what the hell is wrong with these people. Even if she doesn't, that's none of their business! Ask them to take a damn look at the mirror before talking about how someone else looks! People tend to do anything for money. Any money that comes from the expense of hurting others is wrong. Why can't they see that celebrities are humans too? That they too have feelings. Hmmm