The Best Version of Me Is Toxic

I had my very first energy healing a month ago. I was a skeptic, even as spiritual as I am. Will I actually see tangible results?

I have been struggling to heal a severe gut disease for years. I have tried every diet out there and spent a ludicrous amount of money on supplements. I meditate. I exercise. I do all the things the people on the internet who’ve healed their bodies do and then some. And still, I’m chronically bloated, my digestion’s a mess, my hair’s falling out, one wrong move and a pimple pops out, migraines, bouts of depression, irregular menstruation, etc. Basically, any ailment linked to poor gut health, I am afflicted by it.

At my wit’s end, I decided to try an energy healing from a healer whose spiritual videos I’ve been watching on Youtube for years. She’s not some tarot reading flower child. She’s an intuitive with the spiritual gift of hearing and seeing. She has a spirit team who conducts the energy healings. After the energy healing, she channels messages from them. And I didn’t even have to leave my bedroom.

I told her about how I felt my health has been blocking the best version of me. The girl who stars in all my daydreams. She is me, or rather who I could be. She is healthy, successful, and everyday is a good hair day. This version of me has been in my head since childhood, though back then she sported frilly dresses and shiny black Mary Janes.

Joanna asked me to visualize her. I closed my eyes, and there she was, laughing like she didn’t have a care in the world, curly tresses blowing in the wind. I was instructed to walk closer to her and observe my feelings.

For some reason, I felt sad. Joanna asked me to ask the girl why. She answered, because you’re sad. So, I got nothing. I could feel a cry working its way up my chest. I tried to suppress that shit, but Joanna wouldn’t stand for it. Great. Welp, I’m here for an energy healing. I may as well do it right.

After what felt like an appropriate amount of time, I forced myself to regain composure. Joanna asked me again about the sadness. Hmmm maybe I’m sad because I’m not her and I’ve been working so hard for so long to get to her, but I just can’t.

She asked what’s blocking me. My health. I haven’t been able to get in control of it and because of that, I haven’t been able to get in control of any aspect of my life.

The next morning during prayer, I did that visualization again to see if I could get to the source of the sadness.

The emotions came as I stepped up to her. This time she asked me why I’m sad. I stood looking at her, a sob choking my throat.

I told her I needed to let her go, and the floodgates opened. She had been a part of me for so long.

She nodded and then I morphed her into me as I am right now. She looked battle-weary, but she was smiling.

I pulled her to me and held her tight. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for thinking you weren’t good enough. You’re a warrior for getting through it all. You deserve better. So much better. You deserve all the good things.

I’m proud of you.

I love you.

I felt horrible for not truly seeing this superwoman standing before me. My one complaint about past love connections, after they were done, is that I felt they never really saw me. I realized they didn’t see me because I never really saw me.

The other girl no longer appears in my daydreams and fantasies. I do, as I am right now. This has changed my perspective. I’m not as consumed by the things I don’t like about my appearance. I’ve come to accept them and that’s made me aware of the things I do like.

However, the things I like most, the things that take me from ordinary to extraordinary, are not noticeable at first glance or even the second. Those gems are under the surface.