Dear Author

Today I read an advice column and the advice given was so bad, I didn't know what to do with it. Considering my frustration, I needed an outlet, so I'm doing what every good author does, and venting my frustration here.

The person asking for advice describes a situation where they have just begun meeting up with a high school friend after many years apart. The writer loves hanging out with their friend, but their friend has been borrowing little chunks of money and not returning it. The writer wants to keep the friendship but the chunks of money are adding up and they really can't afford to keep loaning money that doesn't get returned.

The agony aunt who responded said that she was happy our girl had reconnected with her friend and that boundaries were great. She went on to say that her friend might need help with budgeting and if our girl wanted to help her friend, that would also be great. Then she signed off.

So... that was terrible advice.

First thing, you should never give your friends or family the impression that your money is available for their use. If they're bad at controlling their spending or have finances that are out of control, they will use you until you refuse. That may be the true reason why her friend is suddenly back in her life, she's alienated all her other friends by taking too much from them and she's going back in time looking for people to cover her socializing expenses. If this is the case, if the writer wants to set a boundary where she stops lending money, then she's going to effectively end the friendship.

The writer does not specify what kind of situations have occurred when her friend asks her for money. If she's stiffing her with the bill at a cafe or a restaurant over and over, the best way to handle that is to make social arrangements where no one spends money. Inviting the friend over for a chat at home instead of going out is a good way to start. If the friend is asking for money to pay bills or other expenses, the way to handle it is to say, "I would love to help you, but things are tight for me this month too. I can spare $20, but that's all I have." The next time, claim to be flat broke.

If the money dries up, I'm afraid the friendship will dry up too, which is something the agony aunt did not warn our writer about. It's a shame that someone who is fun to talk to might need payment, but they might go where the best benefits of friendship can be found. But wouldn't you rather know if someone was just using you?

The last thing the agony aunt said was about budgeting and helping the friend to budget. I think there is a zero percent chance that the friend will welcome this kind of help. One of the reasons why may be that they are straight-up lying about their financial need. It's just easier and better to get these shady little loans they don't have to account for rather than putting the money on a credit card with interest payments.

Continuing the explanation might be that they have an addiction that is eating up all their available money. It isn't a money problem as much as it is an addiction problem. If they're not willing to admit to their problem and they're finding other ways to get what they want in all departments (I'm amazed at how often someone tells me about the inexplicable behavior of someone they know and I reply with 'they're a gambling addict' or 'they're an alcoholic'). It's not uncommon for people to have these problems. If the friend does not have a strong support group (family and friends), it brings up questions about why. What have they done to make the people who should be closest to them scatter?

In my opinion, the advice columnist would have answered best with a warning to the writer that if they refuse to give more money, the friendship will end and discouraging the writer from lending any more money if she can't afford it. It's bad news, but the whole reason she was writing an agony aunt was because she knew something was fishy and she wanted to know if someone else thought so too. The columnist let her down utterly.