“Whose Side Are You On?”

This conversation happened on April 26, 2025 in The Vatican’s Basilica during Pope Francis’ funeral, after Trump shoved off President Macron of France from what was supposed to be a three-person meeting.

"Let's talk one on one for a second, Vladimir."

"Please don't call me that, President Trump, that's not my name."

"Really? I thought it was. So what should I call you then?"

"Volodymir."

"Volo..." [struggles]

"Vo-lo-dy-mir. It's a Ukrainian version. Or Volodyu, if that's easier."

"Not easier at all. Why can't I call you Vladimir, I've just learned how to say that properly."

"You can call your other friend that, that's his name."

"Ok, what should I call you then?"

"Anything but that."

"So can I call you Ze then?"

"Where does that come from?"

"I heard everyone calls you that on the Internet."

"Ah, the Internet, of course. As I said, you can call me anything."

"Ok, Ze. You've asked for this meeting, so what's it about?"

"I didn't, really, it was President Macron who thought we should talk about the peace deal all together."

"Oh, so that you two gang up on me?" [feigns laughter] "That's exactly what I didn't want to happen! I know Macron is on your side. So I wanted him gone. No Macron, no chair, no pressure. What do you really want, why are you not agreeing to a beautiful deal we've brokered for you?"

"He can't have Crimea, President Trump. Or either of other occupied Ukrainian territories."

"Who?"

"Putin. Your friend, Vladimir. He can't have any of Ukrainian lands."

"Who told you he was my friend?"

"You did, many times. That's not the point."

"He is not really my friend, I barely know him..."

"Again, that's not the point, President Trump."

"No? What's the point then?"

"He can't have any of our lands."

"Really? Why? Hasn't Crimea always been Russian?"

"No, sir."

"Hmm, interesting. I was told it was, historically. I will have to look into this."

"Please do. I can send you credible historical books and accounts."

"No need, I'll ask my people to check on that. But you see, Volo... Ze, without some concessions on your part this peace deal will not happen."

"And why is that? Ukraine wasn't the one who started the war. We've been attacked, robbed of our lands, and being shelled, bombed, and killed for over three years now."

"Exactly, over three years, haven't you had enough blood on your hands?"

"My hands??? We are only defending our country, President Trump. We haven't started the war."

"At this point, for me it doesn't matter who started it. I just want it to end."

"So do I. But for us and the international law it does matter who started it. Russia attacked us first, illegally annexed our territories, and we've been fighting for our independence and sovereignty ever since."

"And how long can you go on?"

"As long as there's one Ukrainian soldier left standing to fight."

"Oh, don't give me that BS, Volo... And don't look at me with those puppy eyes. The truth is, you have no equipment, no ammunition, you are running out of people, and my people are tired of footing the bill for you. You have no cards."

"I understand, President Trump. Everyone is tired of this war. But it's not a card game for us. If America is not going to support us anymore, we will ramp up our own capacities. Also, Europe promised to help..."

"Europe can't help you enough. No one except America can help you fight Russia."

"We have other data. Russia is running out of people, equipment and ammunition. He is bringing North Korean soldiers to fight for him. We are building a case for the international court that this is the war of aggression conscripting citizens of other hostile countries."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop right there, Volo... Where do you get that information from? I thought we stopped giving you intelligence?"

"We have other sources, and our own capacities, President Trump. Besides, we have captured North Koreans as POWs."

"As pee what?"

"Prisoners of War, sir."

"You don't say? Is it really true?"

"Yes, I can give you the evidence and proof."

"Alright, Volo... this is something I never knew. I need to think about all of this."

"Please do, sir. I just want to again emphasize that he can't have any of our lands..."

"I heard you, Volo... Let me work with this. Right now, let's go pay respects to the Pope. Can you believe he is gone? I thought he was forever..."

"It's such a huge loss for humanity, sir. He was a good friend."

"Really? I heard otherwise."

"Well, he could have been more supportive of Ukraine, but he was a good personal friend."

"Mine, too. I've met him many times..."

"May I ask you a question, sir?"

"Sure, Volo... Shoot."

"Don't you own a black suit?" [smiling broadly and innocently]

"You got me there, Volo... [laughs] "You know, I really don't. I'm not a mortician, so I don't need one." [stands up to join others in the funeral ceremony] "I guess we'll have to come back to talking about the peace deal."

"I'm looking forward to it, sir. For now, can I report this as a positive meeting?"

"Sure, Volo..." [smiles magnanimously] "As long as I look good. I really need this win for the peace talks, to end this stupid war."

"So do I, sir, so do I."