Calling Elon

This conversation happened on March 16, 2025, after the Space X Crew 10 Dragon capsule docked the International Space Station.

“Hello, Elon?”

“Yes, Mr. President, sir!”

“How many times did I say you can call me Donald, Elon?”

“Many, sir. But I just can’t. You are still Mr. President.”

“Still?? You mean I can be removed?”

“I meant to me, sir.” [stiffens] “Even though we are friends, I hope, you are still the president to me.”

“Ah, in that sense. Ok then. Anyway, I’m calling to congratulate you.”

“On what, sir?”

“On your space rocket docking at the international space station. Such a beautiful docking, I watched it on big TV! Beautiful!”

“Ah, that. Thank you, we did have a successful docking indeed. Only it wasn’t a rocket, sir. The Space X rocket is what delivered Crew 10 Dragon vehicle to the ISS.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. All this is just your space talk to me. Blah, blah, blah, jibberish. It’s more important that now those two suckers and losers left behind by Biden can finally return home. Can you imagine, being stuck in space for that long?”

“To be fair, sir, they were not left behind by Biden. It’s a series of NASA and Boeing mistakes and failures that got them stuck there.”

“C’mon, Elon, I know you are a stickler for truth and can’t lie, but who was the president when they got stuck there?”

“Biden, sir.”

“See, so Biden left them behind. And I get to bring them back.”

“Totally, sir.”

“Can you imagine, being there all this time? I was told they only took clothes and stuff for the first 10 days. They must be so dirty now!”

“With all due respect, sir, they had emergency supplies and the space station is equipped with what they need to keep themselves clean.”

“Oh, don’t tell me they have laundromats and shower cabins there.”

“They sort of do, sir.”

“Really?? Are you telling me they have running water there??”

“No, not exactly, sir. No running water, but they do have ways to keep themselves clean.”

“Wipes?”

“That, too, but it’s mostly technology.”

“See, I know no one can be 100 per cent clean with wipes. That’s why they are dirty and probably stinky. How long have they been there now?”

“They docked on June 6 last year and if everything goes as planned, they will leave on March 19. That makes it almost nine and a half months, exactly 41 weeks, or 287 days in space.”

“You are such a nerd, Elon! 287 days, that must be a record of some sort!”

“No, not really, sir. It’s almost two times shorter than the longest record - 437 days - by a Russian named Valeri Polyakov.”

“Oh, those tough Russians! Is he a big, burly guy?”

“No, sir. Big, burly guys are actually not good for space, you’ll have to build everything in big sizes just for them. Most astronauts are average built, but they train a lot, to be strong and enduring.”

“Again, you are such a nerd, Elon! But that totally makes sense now, I’ve never met a big burly astronaut. All those I met were average height, shorter than me. Never big and burly.”

“That’s right, sir. Would you like to meet these two when they land? Welcome them back to earth, literally.” Laughs at his own joke that Trump doesn’t get, adds hurriedly, “Might be good TV.”

“When are they landing?”

“March 20 or 21, depends on when they leave, sir.”

“Ah, that’s when I’m finally going to Bedminster, for the first time after my beautiful Inauguration.”

“Golfing, sir?”

“Of course, what else would I do there, in a town of less than four thousand people?”

“May I come with, sir?”

“Haven’t you golfed enough with me at West Palm Beach and Mar-a-Lago, Elon?”

“I can never get enough of golfing, sir.”

Trump, to the side, “But I’ve had enough of you already.” To Musk, “Secret Service says it’s too late to arrange for an additional security detail for you, Elon. Maybe next time.”

“I can bring my own security, sir.”

“Ah, but that’s exactly what my secret service guys don’t want, for your body guards running into them. As I said, maybe another time.”

“Scotland, maybe? I’d love to golf in Scotland with you.”

“Maybe, Elon, maybe.” [hesitant, listening to a golf ball swoosh]

“Are you playing golf right now, sir?”

“Nooooo” [lying, getting into a golf cart]

“I can hear the golf ball swooshing and the cart whirring, sir.”

“You got me, Elon.” [pretends to laugh guiltily]

“I thought you said you had too much work.”

“And I do, Elon. Just taking a little break.”

“I’m looking at an interesting app, sir, called Trump Golf Track. Fun fact, sir: You still hold a record of most days golfing among all presidents. A total of 428 of the 1,461 days (30%) of your first presidential term. And 14 of 55 days in the second term.”

“Really?? I didn’t know someone was tracking me golfing. How do they do that?”

“It’s all public record, sir. People track your flight plans, planes and motorcades entering your golf clubs.”

“Can you stop this, Elon?”

“I’m afraid no, sir. That would require taking away the smartphones from all Americans.”

“Too bad. Well, then I guess I’ll have to beat my own record and play golf even more. I’ll play it even more. Sorry I have to go now, Elon, need to finish the round. I’ll talk to you later, bye!”

“Bye, sir.”

Trump placing another call right away.

“Hello, Vlad?”

“Yes, Donnie, long time no talk.” [almost excited]

“Remember you told me you’d like to meet Elon in person?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Could you please invite him to come to Moscow?”

“I already tried, he said he is too busy running DOGE.”

“If I tell him he can go, will you invite him again?”

“Sure, I’d be happy to. But why?”

“I just need a little break from him. He is like a toddler, following me everywhere, even to my golf clubs. Scared the shit out of me just now with some app that tracks when I golf. Can you imagine him doing that?”

“Ah, Trump Golf Track. That’s not Elon, Donnie. It’s Adam Parhkomenko, I hate him so much!”

“Adam who?”

“Parkhomenko, he is actually an American citizen, a Dem operative.”

“Ah, that makes sense. I hate him now too.”

“I can take care of him for you, Donnie.”

“No need, Vlad. Take Elon off my hands, at least for some time.”

“Will be happy to, Donnie. I’ll go right now, to start on the arrangements for his visit. We’ll have so much fun! Bye, Donnie!” [giddy]

“Bye, Vlad.” After hanging up, “He was never this excited about meeting me in person.”

And here’s the app: