When Moscow Called About Greenland

This conversation happened on January 29, 2025.

“Hello, Donnie?”

“Yes, Vlad, what’s up?”

“What’s up??? I want to ask you that! That’s why I’m calling!” [annoyed]

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, drop it, Donnie. You are not a mob boss who just killed a rival and gained new turf, even though that’s exactly who you are!” [more annoyed]

“How so, Vlad?”

“You killed Harris’s political career and you’re president again, Donnie. What’s there not to understand?”

“Ah, in that sense? I guess you’re right. I did kill her and now I’m the new king of America!” [both laugh, but Putin menacingly]

“Don’t you ever forget, Donnie, who helped you to get there.”

“Elon? I’m so tired of him I can’t wait to send him to Mars!”

“Sure, Elon. He took you over the hill. But before Elon, who helped you, Donnie?”

“Oh, you mean you, Vlad? Of course, I remember that. I’ll remember that forever. I know you still have that tape… But now that I’ve sent you the two billion that you said I owed you, I hope we are good? Did I make right with you, Vlad?”

“Yes, you did, Donnie. We are good. I’m still in awe at how you managed to make six billion with your crypto, just in one week!”

“Was that how much it was? I don’t even know; my sons are managing that. Six billion? That’s pretty impressive!”

“Sure, I’ll pretend I believe you don’t know how much money you have. I know you like playing that game. I do, too. Don’t know how much money I have. But I’m still shocked at how easily you earned that money, taking so many stupid Americans for your mark!”

“They are not stupid, Vlad.” [offended] “They just love me. Not stupid at all.”

“Sure, Donnie. Whatever makes you feel better. Anyway, it’s not what I’m calling about.”

“Yeah, what is it, then?”

“What’s up with Greenland, Donnie?”

“Greenland is a big icy island in the Arctic that is in the national strategic interests of the United States, Vlad.”

“I’ve heard that pitch on TV, Donnie. What’s it really about?”

“Well, I thought that now that I’m back in power and we’re about to start negotiating on Ukraine, I’d have to appease the American people. It’s actually very smart, Vlad. Very smart. Probably the smartest move ever.”

“How so?”

“Well, I thought that since we are about to redraw some borders, you’d probably want Alaska back, right?”

“Right, after I get Ukraine back, I have a whole wish list, with Alaska at the bottom. I didn’t think you’d ever even consider it.” [excited]

“Hear me out, Vlad. To settle Ukraine, I will have to make negotiating with you look like a tough deal. A very tough deal. You are such a tough negotiator, everyone knows that! To negotiate with you, I’ll have to sacrifice something of great value, to build trust with you.”

“Ok, this sounds good.”

“So, for you to settle on what you’ve gained in Ukraine and end the war, I’ll give you Alaska. Easy. Especially because it was Russia’s in the first place. It will be the greatest deal on earth, the likes of which no one has seen before.”

“I really like your thinking, Donnie, but would the American people take it?”

“Ah, and that’s where Greenland comes in. To compensate for the loss of Alaska, I will have to bring Greenland, the Panama Canal, and Canada to the American people on a silver platter.”

“You think you can do that?”

“Well, I’m pretty sure Canadians will elect a new conservative government soon. Very soon. I will strike a deal with them too. They’ll be thanking me for making them the 51st state. I’ll make them so happy!”

“Ok, sounds like daydreaming but I’ll bite, Donnie.”

“It’ll happen, Vlad, you’ll just have to see. Panama will be easy too. They are afraid of the Chinese. So afraid they’ll be happy to fall under our control again. They’ll be so happy! In fact, I want to take over both Americas. It’s so stupid that we’re divided into North and South Americas. Should be just the United States of Americas.”

“You can’t have Cuba and Brazil, Donnie, and you know that.”

“Oh, shit. I forgot about Cuba, Vlad… You know what, I don’t care about Cuba. You can have it if you want it.”

“Seriously??? We nearly went to nuclear war over Cuba in the 1960s, Donnie, and now you are ready to just give it to me, for nothing???”

“Sure, why not. I’m feeling magnanimous today. That’s what Megyn Kelly called me once and I really like that word. Magnanimoussssss. You can have Cuba, Vlad.”

“Great! I want Brazil too, Donnie. It’s an integral part of the BRICS alliance and I want to keep it.”

“Sure, I understand. Don’t like Lula anyway. Who else is in BRICS?”

“Brazil, Russia, India, China, and South Africa. Iran wants to join but I’m not sure I want that headache.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t want to deal with Iran either. They’re so nasty, Vlad. Just such bad, nasty cunning people. You can’t trust them. I’m not sure who would want to deal with them.”

“I might know someone…”

“Yeah, who?”

“Are we seriously talking about redrawing the world’s map, Donnie?”

“Sure, Vlad, why not? What else can the two most powerful people on earth talk about?” [both laugh]

“Let me get the world map, Donnie, for the visual.”

“Alright, I’ll do too.” [both get the blank world maps for coloring]

“So, Donnie, let’s finish the Americas first. I’d think you wouldn’t want to deal with the countries on top of Brazil – Venezuela and everything to the east of it, right?”

“To the east is on the left, right? Can’t give you Columbia, especially after what we’ve just been through. We’ve just reached a new understanding. My people would be mad without coffee.”

“It’s Colombia, Donnie, and it’s to the left of Venezuela. You can have it. I mean the Guyanas and Suriname.”

“Oh, you can have those, Vlad. As long as I can keep the corridor connecting the Americas, I don’t care about what’s to the right of Columbia. Especially Venezuela.”

“Great, Donnie. What about all those Caribbean Islands? Can I call dibs on Puerto Rico?”

“No, Vlad, even though I hate them. We need the Caribbean, my people will not forgive me for giving them up.”

“Well, I’m coloring all you want with a blue marker and everything I want – with pink. It kinda would look awkward if there’s a blue island stretch between the pink part of South America and Cuba.”

“I see what you are trying to do there, Vlad. But no. I can’t give up the Caribbean. Not negotiable. My people need that prime real estate for their tropical vacations.”

“You drive a hard bargain, Donnie. Just to confirm, Mexico and Central America are yours, right?”

“Yes.”

“After all the tough illegal immigration talk that you’d built your entire campaign on?”

“Well, if they are a part of the new US, they are not illegal anymore, right?” [both laugh] “I’ll manage to sell that to the American people, Vlad. And then I’ll make sure those poor bastards stay in place, never come up north. It’ll be like a new ghetto in Central America and I will control it.”

“Ok, sounds good to me if you want that headache. Should we move on to Europe?”

“Ok, what about Europe?” [suspiciously]

“I want the Baltics and Poland.”

“Can’t have that, Vlad. Can’t have any NATO members, old or new. I will lose credibility over it and the Republican hawks will hate me. Can’t have them, Vlad.”

“Again, you drive a hard bargain, Donnie. But if I can’t have the Baltics and Poland, then I need the Ukraine, Moldova, and Belarus back.”

“I’m Ok with that.”

“Seriously, Donnie? You just said that I can only settle for what I gained in Ukraine.”

“We’ll do it in stages, Vlad, gradually. But that’s why you can’t have anything else in Europe.”

“Well, ok, I guess. I do want to restore the rest of the Soviet Union, though, and take Mongolia, Manchuria, and the Koreas.”

“Can’t have South Korea, Vlad, and Japan will stay with us. Everything else is yours if you can convince Xi.”

“Speaking of Xi, Donnie. I don’t think he will be happy that we are dividing the world like this, without him.”

“I agree. What should we do?”

“We need to give him something he’d be happy with.”

“Taiwan?”

“Well, yeah, that’s a given. But also, let’s give him all the world’s problems – the Middle East, Africa, and Iran. He’d be the only person who’d be able to deal with them, especially because many of them are already in his pocket through his Road and Belt Initiative.”

“That’s a brilliant idea, Vlad! I’m coloring all of this in light green, and it looks like a belt, too. Xi’ll be so happy! His dream of global dominance fulfilled. But we both need to sell this idea to him. We need to work as one, Vlad! As one, but from two different sides. Sandwich him with our negotiation power, Vlad!”

“Bad metaphor, Donnie, but I love the idea. I’m coloring light green all of south-east Asia, China without Manchuria, everything the Brits had except for India, all of the Middle East…”

“Ha! He gets Afghanistan too?” [excited]

“Of course, let Xi deal with it now. Afghanistan is a graveyard of empires, maybe China will die there too. We, of course, will tell him since we tried and failed, he alone can fix it. He’ll be flattered and we’ll get a huge problem off our hands.”

“I really love this, Vlad. About Middle East, though. He can’t have Israel.”

“Well, yeah, that’s a given. I thought you’d want to keep it.”

“Great, how about Turkey?”

“Do you see Erdogan agreeing to any of this? Especially since he just changed the name of his country to Türkye.”

“Yeah, that’ll be tough. He’s a very proud man. So proud! And strong.” [dreamily]

“Ok, Donnie, don’t get carried away.”

“Alright, so what do we do with Erdogan?”

“I guess we let him decide which new alliance he wants to join.”

“Right. So, let’s see what we have here. I’m really good with naming things.”

“Great, Donnie, let’s check if we are on the same page.”

“So, on my side, in blue we have United States of Americas, Japan, Europe, South Korea, Australia and New Zealand.”

“Woah, Donnie, we haven’t talked about Australia and New Zealand!”

“Can’t have them, Vlad. Always have been British, and will be ours by extension.”

“Ok, you have a point there. Just wanted to make sure.”

“Sure, so that makes a nice acronym – USAJEKANZ.”

“Didn’t really roll of your tongue, Donnie.”

“It’s OK, people didn’t like MAGA at first either. And now it’s their life.”

“Alright, the greatest namer of all times. What would you call my new country, Donnie?”

“Let’s see. You’ve had BRICS. Now you’ll have BRINKSAC – Brazil, Russia, India, North Korea, South Africa, Alaska and Cuba. Good enough.”

“It’s great, not just good! Still can’t believe you are giving me Alaska.”

“You’re welcome, Vlad. And for China, we have CAMESEAPIs – China, Africa, Middle East, south-east Asia, and the Pacific Islands.”

“Those are nations, Donnie, not just islands.”

“Ok, CAMESEAPIN then. Even better.”

“This is truly great, Donnie! Have to go now!” [hangs up abruptly]

***

January 29, 2125. A history teacher shows the hand-colored world map to middle-school students and says, “And this is how one hundred years ago today the world was consolidated from over 200 to just four countries. They are now known as the New United States, New Bricks, New China Belt and Türkye.