THE OXYMORONIC TIMES

New Disease Plagues New World Order

Future Overlords Ask "What the FRAS?!"

You may be one of many adults worldwide who have been exposed to lethal levels of chronic bullshit, putting you at risk for developing Forced Reality Awareness Syndrome or FRAS.

FRAS is transmissible through the dissemination of accurate information, and has a sudden onset of symptoms that are easily identified with various instruments of surveillance at any distance.

SYMPTOMS NOT LIMITED TO, BUT CAN INCLUDE:

• Uncontrollable cursing during news broadcasts.

• A strong desire to construct shiny head protection from foil material.

• Updating disaster preparedness checklists with a zombie apocalypse section.

• Acquiring permits for backyard bunker construction

If you have experienced any of these symptoms keep reading to find out how FRAS may affect you.

Bullshit enters the body through visual and auditory receptors, thoroughly coating venerable brain tissue. This results in a dis-regulated reasoning ability. If toxicity reaches peak levels, the olfactory senses become affected. At this stage the patient will actually be able to smell the bullshit.

In advanced cases the "bullshit barrier" is breeched and the overflow signals an immune response to flood the brain with axiom cells. Acting as natural bullshit solvent, axiom cells release veritas proteins which stimulate the immediate reduction of faux-reality perception.

Along with the symptoms mentioned above, patients can experience a state of shock followed by a strong urge to stick it to the man. FRAS sufferers will be monitored closely due to an increased chance of developing synthesized psychosis and Manchurian candidate disease.

Forced Reality Awareness Syndrome has been declared a serious health concern by the pharmaceutical industry and it has The New World Order scrambling for some sort of final solution.

With the cooperation of The Five Eyes global surveillance network, The New World Order has targeted scientists from various universities and removed them to a top-secret location rumored to be on the Franco-Swiss border. The Oxymoronic Times eye in the sky, Pork-Chop-ONE, has so far failed to locate the away team of science, but hopes of finding the secure facility remain about as high as Pork-Chop-One's altitude.

Yesterday's press release detailed the current progress of the search for a cure. Here's the latest update in that endeavor.

After a routine debriefing and reprogramming session, the beautiful minds were convinced of their mutual desire to help find a cure for FRAS. Remarkably, two genes have quickly been identified which may hold the key to suppress the axiom cell production suspected of causing the disease.

The genes, dubbed Will-full Ignorance 2 and Active Denial, will be cloned and genetically modified with rodent DNA, using CRISPER like technology to make them glow into the dark.

The scientific scapegoats maintain they have no idea what the purpose of mutated rodent gene fluorescence is but, hope it leads to solutions soon, ending their indentured servitude.

Containment measures and fear campaigns are currently underway due to the highly contagious nature of the disease. With pressures mounting from totalitarian governments and intelligence agencies everywhere, the scientists are getting closer to a breakdown.

Elsewhere in the medical community, concern has been raised after close observation of FRAS patients' symptoms. One reluctant source explained.

 "An optimistic outcome for the delivery of a cure is unlikely once symptoms have set in. This is due to the sudden need to question everything. The patients became highly suspicious at the suggestion of participating in an experiment for the advancement of medical science."

To help counter the mistrust of government "research programs" suggestions have been made to move the location of the testing facility from its current location in Tuskegee Alabama. An emergency council of experts has been assembled to work out the logistics and should have a report at the end of the fiscal year available for review.

So far, The New World Order has not been expected to disclose details of its impending coup d’etat of the entire earth this juncture. Any outspoken resistance to a forced cure could bring unnecessary attention causing serious problems for those in the highest tax bracket.

When reached for comment the head of propaganda relations for the Illuminati was tight-lipped on the subject stating only

“We have no upcoming plans for world domination it is only a rumor, and not at all likely, as we are a figment of your imagination”

Unfortunately, The Illuminati could not be reached for additional comments due to the disappearance of my inside contact and all proof of my identity.

In financial news, a recent research study conducted by The Rand Corporation was leaked today. Indicators point to Big Pharma seeing a staggering decline in profit margins triggered by untreated FRAS. This could knock them out of their current position at number one in the "profit from suffering sector".

The RAND study further predicted a massive shift away from blind obedience to the system if this trend continues. As a result, The New World Order implemented a faster production schedule for the cure. During the ensuing protest, the hostages of science began Bunsen burning lab equipment in effigy and managed to send morse coded smoke signals which were obtained by Pork-Chop-ONE. Here is the full content of that message.

"Research is entering the human test phase, STOP. Volunteers will be recruited soon. STOP. Due to reasons of “National Security” you will not be notified of your participation."

We will follow up on this story as more information becomes available.