The Gristle – Issue 3

EXCLUSIVE: BBC Whistleblower Confirms Corporation's Government Bias

LONDON — A BBC insider has told The Gristle that Senior News Editors rate stories with a colour-coded 'Threat Level Matrix' based on the likely level of government embarassment.

'Green' stories are defined as "palatable, feelgood, soporific; schedule on half-hourly basis".

Examples include:

• Prince George growth spurt
• Leicester pensioner celebrates 50 years with same biscuit tin
• Nation unites over favourite shade of beige – It's 'pebble'!
• Woman finds Smoky Bacon crisp that looks like Claudia Winkleman

'Red-level' stories which "risk public debate, ministerial denials, and unannounced visits from party whips" include:

• Tories sold Albanian orphans to Russian bioweapons facility
• Sue Gray 'Westminster heroin queenpin'
• MI5 planted toddlers in pre-schools to 'neutralise next Greta Thunberg'

Critics have long pointed to gaps in BBC coverage on NHS privatization, protest crackdowns, civilian deaths in Gaza, and the entire Sudan civil war.

“We reject the idea that we are biased,” responded Callum Shady, BBC Director of Tone. “It just happens that we exclusively report stories which align to government narratives.”

Related stories:

• BBC apologises for news segment which made billionaire look bad
• BBC apologises for suggesting convicted MP appeared 'guilty'
• BBC apologises for insufficiently contrite apology

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Mediæval Ailments Rife Amongst British Celebs

This week saw Robbie Williams' shock scurvy diagnosis – a disease rarely seen outside of 17th-century sailing vessels. But the 'Better Man' is not the only one suffering 'agues' and 'blights' from the olde worlde.

Shunned TV mainstay Phillip Schofield is battling leprosy. Co-workers had noticed the former This Morning presenter “slightly crumbling”, but heavy studio make-up concealed the extent of his putrefaction. "We all just thought the decay was moral.” Recently he has been spotted in Soho, ringing a small bell, muttering that he's “available for voiceovers.”

Gemma Collins has caught "conspicuous consumption". A Hello! pictorial showed The GC™ hawking phlegm into blood-spotted Gucci kerchiefs. "It’s not long COVID, babes. It's proper Dickensian," said the TOWIE-emigré, swooning on a Furniture Direct chaise longue.

Chris Martin has caught cholera from a cholera enema. The trendy detox backfired, resulting in the Coldplay singer's chronic and continuous expulsion of sloppy, gaseous faeces. A Parlophone spokesperson said, "We'll put out anything he produces."

Benedict Cumberbatch's battle with gout continues. The “recurrent aristocratic flare-ups” have blighted the louche public school alumnus since his Patrick Melrose era, but enhanced his real-life transition into posh Hollywood talkshow regular.

Other victims of pre-antibiotic ailments include:

• Stacey Solomon caught miasma from a real pea-souper in London town.
• James Corden is the only human carrier of rinderpest – a contagious disease eradicated from cattle in 2011.
• Ed Sheeran has "dyspeptic bone softening". Fans have commented on his "visible puddling, like butter left on the counter".
• Cillian Murphy's agent says he has "melancholia of the soul" and "a pallor of woe" after decades playing morally-dubious antiheroes.
• Florence Pugh has rickets after filming a low-budget indie in a disused coal mine. “I was so committed to my character, rickets seemed the natural next step.”

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Deported Brits Arrive Back From USA

Another half dozen British citizens have landed at Heathrow after being deported from the United States for reasons immigration specialists regard as "both specious and spurious".

• Rose Dongle – Arrested for explaining kilograms to a cashier. Her ICE removal notice stated she "attempted the metric conversion of a Walmart Employee".
• Miles Tetrahedron – Observed carrying more than one book. Detained in SWAT operation for "suspected gross academic intent".
• Barbara Arabarat – Transported Marmite across state lines in contravention of Hazardous Materials Transportation Act (HMTA), 49 CFR Parts 171-180.
• Carolanne Ductile – Overheard "asking for a fag". Arrested and charged under Trafficking Victims Protection Act (TVPA) (2000).
• Alison Slam – Was "too quiet at a party”. Host was discomfited by “eerieness, simmering politeness, smiling through discomfort” and called law enforcement.
• Anthony Prole – Charged with Misdemeanour (1): gross cultural sabotage for misattributing a The Office (US) quote to The Office (UK). Later assaulted and detained for telling an ICE officer that "the 'h' in Anthony is silent."

On their return, the six issued a joint statement saying they're "never going back to that f*cking country while that c*nt's in office".

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Universal Announce New UK Theme Park With Rides Based On British Film Classics

Media conglomerate Universal are to build a new theme park in England with rides inspired by Richard Curtis, Guy Ritchie and Mike Leigh.

The press release promises “the full palette of British cinema: social despair, emotional repression, and awkward flirting by interchangeable Etonian leading men. In the rain.”

On the Love Actually Emotional Baggage Carousel, spin through a Notting Hill devoid of poor people, as sweary fops spill £10 fruit juices mumbling, “Terribly fucking sorry, I’m very fucking charming,” then get ghosted by a man in advertising, sexually harassed by the Prime Minister, and serenaded by a mute stalker with a beatbox.

On Guy Ritchie's RollaCoasta, ride a black Range Rover Sport through East London to a 90s indie soundtrack. Crash through stalls of fake Rolexes and eels, while sawn-off toting Mockneys called 'Dutch', 'Turkish' and other nationalities exchange unlikely banter, amidst bare-knuckle brawls. A Jason Statham hologram repeatedly shouts "OI! YOU MUGS!"

Endure Mike Leigh’s 4D Family Breakdown in immersive VR. Ride a 1970s formica table through suburbia, while RADA graduates with fake working class accents make overwritten, resentment-filled small talk, while drinking bitter, over-milked tea.

For under-10s, The Andrea Arnold Poverty Porn Playground offers unsupervised freedom on derelict, tetanus-infused swings and roundabouts. The concrete 'fun crucible' is surrounded by boarded-up shops, while sprinklers simulate 18 types of drizzle.

A range of eateries will offer the best of British cuisine:

• At the Trainspotting Safe Consumption Cafe, dine inside giant toilet bowls while a shaven skaghead explains late-stage capitalism while racking up powdered mash, and hypodermic 'Pish' cocktails.
• At Paddington’s Gen-Z (Gentrification Zone), milk a real Peruvian grizzly for a bearmilk latte, or enjoy a sourdough focaccia marmalade sandwich served in a suspiciously-stained hat.

“We want a new generation to discover the despair and disillusionment of British film which their parents grew up with,” said Universal Head of Outsideness, Chadwick Flagstone. "That's worth the ticket price alone. Which is £325 plus parking.”

Following criticism that the park is a "bleak, dystopian, nightmare-inducing” vision of Britain, one Labour minister responded: “Not at all. Believe me, it's nothing compared to our five-year outlook.”

Universal Bedford will open in 2031 on 500 acres of reclaimed toxic brownfield.

Related stories:

• Banksy consulting lawyers over 'blatant rip' of Dismaland project

Other headlines

• BREAKING: TARIFF WARS SHATTER GLOBAL NORMS
• 200 Police Support Units on Standby For Predicted 'chicken jockey' Unrest
• BREAKING: TARIFF WARS PAUSED – global anuses unpucker
• Satirists Despair As Pace of Events Combined With Website Outages Prevent Timely Posting of News-based Satire
• BREAKING: TARIFF WARS RESUM– … What? … Oh. Never mind.

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