The Gristle – Issue 2

BREAKING: Independence Day As Reeves Plans To Sell Scotland For Tariff Concessions

LONDON — Chancellor Rachel Reeves has unveiled radical plans to sell the UK's northernmost nation to the United States in exchange for tariff concessions.

Reeves described the deal as “a path towards growth and closing the £22 billion black hole left by the Tories."

A White House spokesman described it as “the greatest real estate deal in history, even better than Canada,” adding, “I love the Scotch people. Brave, strong, great golf course managers. Perhaps the greatest golf course managers. And redheads, of course. Love redheads.”

One Jane Street analyst described the tartan territory as a prime asset: "You're looking at a distressed sovereign entity with high cultural liquidity and soft infrastructure rot. It's basically a boutique energy exporter with a side hustle in mythological tourism."

The deal will end political 'third rails' like Scottish separatism, safer drug consumption facilities, oil and gas expansion, and First Minister John Swinney's small-hours nuisance calls to No. 10.

But Westminster insiders predict it will not be a vote-winner.

"She took everything from the poor, now she's getting rid of the golf courses and whisky!" raved one port-scented octogenarian. “Sure, she's the first female chancellor; but we gave her the steering wheel, now she's blown up the car!"

Other details of the deal are emerging:

• Edinburgh Castle to be rebranded as Trump Caledonia™
• The Moray Firth to become Melania Bay
• Carnoustie to be redeveloped as a 'northern Riviera'

First Minister John Swinney could not be reached for comment, but Bute House has taken multiple JustEat deliveries of clinking carrier bags.

Meanwhile, Shadow Pantomime Villainess Priti Patel smirked, "They wanted independence from Westminster. Now they've got it."

Related stories:

• Trump pledges the Romans will pay for Hadrian's Wall

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Community Spirit Soars in Birmingham as Residents “Make the Most” of Growing Rubbish Mountains

This story is sponsored by Birmingham City Council. Be Bold, Be Birmingham!

BIRMINGHAM — As the bin strike enters its fifth week, Birmingham residents are being praised for their “Dunkirk spirit”.

With streets augmented by trash drifts and local wildlife ascending the food chain, communities are turning adversity into opportunity.

In Kings Heath, residents have dug a makeshift network of wheelie bins, allowing under-5s to tunnel to school.

Deputy Council Leader Martin Widdle also sees the upside. "Refuse heaps taller than 3 metres are actually 'vertical community allotments'. And with nothing reaching landfill, we're acing our Net Zero targets."

Local vets have offered to 'snip and chip' adopted foxes, and screen them for human-transmissible disease. "They make great pets! Just keep them away from babies, pensioners and smaller pets."

Residents of Digbeth are organising a 'Festival of Filth' with family-friendly activities like gutter snorkelling, and games of Taunt The Seagull, Whack-A-Rat, and Bin Bingo. Plus the chance to meet local Binfluencers.

“It’s really brought the street together,” said local resident, Sheila Snafu, pouring bleach into her tea. "It makes you nostalgic for lockdown."

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Disgraced Labour MP Blames Violent Outburst On Demonic Possession

WEST YORKSHIRE — Convicted Labour MP Phil Eamsbury has claimed his assault of a constituent was due to a "brief and unfortunate possession by the demonic entity Nyarlathotep".

The assault left 74-year-old Reg Feeble, bruised and confused.

“He started chanting about ‘the false mask of the non-believer',” Feeble told reporters. “Then he tried to peel my face off with a letter opener.”

In his letter to the Parliamentary Standards Committee, Mr Eamsbury said, "I would like to apologise to Mr. Feeble for my demands for a ‘flesh tithe from the heretic'."

The MP for Runcorn and Helsby claimed he opened what he thought was a case file, but which was in fact a cursed necronomical tome.

“The veil between worlds is thin in Helsby and regrettably the Crawling Chaos, Nyarlathotep, was able to cross dimensions and enter my constituency office,” he wrote.

Downing Street responded: “While we embrace diverse faiths in Labour, the influence of an entity of chaos can never justify violence.”

Other headlines:

• Tories lose major donor after Labour offer backstage pass for Dua Lipa
• 'Last One Laughing' viewers question casting after Rose Ayling-Ellis Wins
• Foreign worker denied visa for being 'too poor and too happy'
• Nigel Farage wins 'Invertebrate of the Year' for third time

Our issues are multiplying!