TACO Calling PACO - 5

This conversation happened on October 7, 2025 at 8 pm Moscow time.

"Hello, Vladimir?"

"Yes, Donald." [dryly]

"Happy Birthday, my dear friend! Some friendships are forever, I hope? So, I'm calling to say Happy Birthday and wish you all the best."

"I don't know, Donald, you don't really act like a friend lately."

"What do you mean?"

"Didn't you threaten just today that you would allow Ukraine to use Tomahawks against Russia?"

"Well, I haven't made my final decision yet. And my hands are really tied here, Vlad. Really tied, and they are wringing them."

"Who exactly are 'they,' Donnie?"

"The Europeans and Zelenskyy. And you are not making it easier for me, Vlad."

"Is that so?"

"Yes, you haven't moved an inch on the bilat with Zelensky. Not an inch! You keep bombing Ukraine and there's not an end to this war in sight. So many people died already, Vlad! So many people! I have to do something."

"Ukraine has been bombing my oil refineries, Donnie! It's gotten so bad now that I have to sell oil to China and buy back petroleum from Xi! If you give Zelenskyy the Tomahawks he will be able to do more damage deeper in Russia! You cannot do that, Donnie!"

"Well, all you have to do, Vlad, is to start the process of negotiations. Set up that bilat. Stop bombing Ukraine. Just stop it, Vlad!"

"We've been through that so many times, Donnie! If I stop it, it will be the end of me!"

"Well, can you at least pretend that you want to? At least for a short while?"

"Are you still craving that Nobel Peace Prize, Donnie, is that why you are pushing me so hard?"

"What? Me craving the Nobel? No, why would I even care about that? Of course not, I just really want lasting peace!"

"Sure, Donnie, then it won't matter for you that the Nobel Committee has already made its decisions, right?"

"What? How do you know? Do you know who won?"

"No, Donnie, but they are very transparent in their work. They just announced the winners for medicine yesterday and physics today and will announce the peace prize this Friday."

"Is that right?"

"Yes, I'm surprised you don't know, with your keen interest to this matter."

"I really don't, Vlad. Do you think someone may already know who the winners are?"

"Only the Nobel Committee and they are unbreakable, sworn into secrecy."

"As you always say, anyone can be bought. We just need to set the right price."

"C'mon, Donnie, you can wait till Friday."

"I really can't, Vlad."

"Yes, you can. It's literally just two more days. And what happens after, Donnie?"

"What do you mean, Vlad?"

"What are you going to do if you win the prize? It's only a little over one million dollars."

"I don't know. Donate it to my future library or something. It's not about the money for me, Vlad."

"Oh yeah? What is it about then, Donnie?"

"Recognition of my peacemaking efforts. Obama got it for nothing, on credit, and I have stopped seven wars! Seven, Vlad, can you imagine? No other president in history has done that! It would have been eight or even nine if I resolved both Ukraine and Palestine..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, Donnie, I've heard that already. Don't give me this BS on my Birthday, alright?"

"So... [strained, awkward] how was your Birthday, Vlad? Did you have a nice celebration?"

"Yes, I did, Donnie. I did indeed. I had a very nice celebration."

"Wanna tell me about it?"

"Nope, not really. It was very nice, that's important and all you need to know."

"Ok, did you get a lot of presents, at least?"

"Too many. Don't know what to do with them. There's a whole room in my house full of presents that I have yet to open."

"Oh, that's nice, I guess."

"Yeah, yeah, it's nice indeed."

"Did you get my present, Vlad?"

"Not yet. How did you send it?"

"With a very special person, Vlad. I thought it would get there by today."

"Ok, I'll let you know when it gets here. I'd better go now, Donnie, it's getting late here."

"Ok, bye, Vlad, and Happy Birthday again!"

"Thanks, Donnie, bye!" After hanging up, "What a moron!"