Moscow's Calling - 29

This conversation happened on August 16, 2024, after Putin threatened new "technical solutions" to Ukraine's incursion into Russia's Kursk region.

"Hello, Donnie?" [chipper]

"Hello, Vlad." [gloomy, tired]

"Why so un-cheerful, Donnie? You promised to call me after your talk with Elon and never did. That's why I'm calling you."

"I have nothing to be cheerful about, Vlad."

"How come?"

"Well, I've done a fully packed rally, Vlad, you won't believe how large the crowd was there, so huge! Then I did that special interview with Elon, and a tremendous long press-conference at Bedminster, and my ratings are not going up. Not going up, Vlad, can you imagine? Her ratings are going up, and mine - only down!"

"It's the talk with Elon that I'm calling you about, Donnie. Did you tell him about my invitation?" [eagerly]

"No, Vlad, I had no chance."

"How come?"

"Well, we had some technical glitches at first, such horrible glitches, Vlad..."

"I know about the glitches, Donnie. Why didn't you tell him about my invitation?"

"I had no chance, I'm telling you, Vlad. We had not a second alone with him, all my campaign people and technicians were there, too many people in the room... so many people, Vlad!"

"So??? Why couldn't you tell him about my invitation? Wait a second, Donnie, are you embarrassed of our friendship?"

"Me???" [taken aback] "Not at all, Vlad, I'm very proud of our friendship. But you must understand that I can't talk about it in public. Not in public, Vlad. My campaign will be over. Simply over! Many people here don't like you. I don't know why but people don't like you here..."

"Really, Donnie? I know for a fact that there are a lot of Russian immigrants there who love me."

"Really? I've never heard about that. I guess I just don't know them, even if they exist. Never heard of them."

"You must be joking, Donnie. You need to go out there into Russian diasporas and communities and make some friends."

"There are Russian communities here?"

"Of course, one is very close to you, in northern suburbs of Miami."

"Really? I never knew about that. Maybe I should do a rally there. A big, beautiful rally."

"You definitely should, Donnie. They are great people. They'll vote for you."

"Are you sure, Vlad?"

"Of course, Donnie! They love me, so they will love you as well."

"That would be great, Vlad! So great! I need all the votes I can get now. All the votes!"

"Alright, so when do you plan to meet with Elon again, Donnie?"

"I'm not sure. He promised to support my campaign, but I don't know when we'd meet in person again. We are both busy, so busy, Vlad! Perhaps we'll talk on the phone again."

"When you do, please tell him about my invitation."

"Ok, Vlad."

"And one more thing, Donnie."

"What's that, Vlad?"

"Don't tell Elon about our imaginary conversations."

"What do you mean, imaginary?"

[mocking Trump] "And I told him about what I could do. And he said 'No way! And I said, 'Way!' [chuckles menacingly]. I don't even talk like that, Donnie!"

"I just wanted to impress him, Vlad. He is so special, I just wanted to impress him."

"Impress him with something else, Donnie. [still menacingly] Don't drag me into it!"

"Alright, Vlad, I won't. How's your special operation in Ukraine going?"

"It's going fine. We've made some gains in some areas, advanced deeper into Ukraine and enforced the front lines."

"That's great! And what about that city, Kur...?"

"We'll get it back, we've developed a special technical solution for that."

"Really? What's the solution, Vlad?"

"I can't tell you, Donnie. It's a military secret."

"It's not nukes, right, Vlad?" [chuckles nervously]

"I said I can't tell you, Donnie. You'll see it soon. [sinister chuckle] Bye for now."

Trump, after hanging up, "So mysterious. I hope it's not nukes."