Calling Moscow - 30

This conversation happened on August 11, as news of the Trump campaign having been hacked and the Ukrainian forces advancing into Russia’s Kursk region caught up with the media.

“Hello, Vlad?”

“Yes, Donnie. Who else could it be?” [tired and weary]

“I was just saying hello, Vlad.”

“Sounded like you were asking.”

“No, it’s just a greeting. I just wanted to see how you are doing.”

“I’m ok, you?”

“I’m glad you asked. I’m getting worried about my campaign, Vlad. So worried, I can’t sleep at night.”

“Really? [feigned surprise] I always thought nothing could unfaze you, Donnie. What worries you?”

“So many things, Vlad, so many things! Kamabla going up in the polls, her rallies’ crowd size, which will never get as big as mine, by the way, but still growing, and growing and growing everywhere she goes. But even more than that, I think I made a mistake by selecting Shady Vance. Such a tremendous mistake! Do you think I should ditch him and select another VP?”

“Didn’t you just tell me the other day that your Big Tech bros will be mad at you if you ditched him?”

“Well, yeah but I’m meeting with Elon tomorrow for an interview on X…”

“Oh, I like Elon! Say hello to him for me, will you? Also, tell him that I would like to meet him one day and speak Russian with him.”

“Elon speaks Russian?”

“Oh yes! Get this, Donnie, he’d learned Russian so that he could read some rocket ship designs from the Soviet Union times that were entirely in Russian!” [fanning excitedly]

“Oh wow, I didn’t know that! Well, Elon is a smart guy, so smart. Not smarter than me, I’m so smart because of MIT, but still smart.”

“Yeah, so you’ll talk with him about Vance tomorrow then?”

“I hope so. I hope he is not married to the idea of Shady Vance as a VP, if you know what I mean. I know Peter Thiel wants him to stay on the ticket, but hopefully Elon will talk with him.”

“And if you clear that with them, who would you like on the ticket?”

“I don’t know, really. I’m torn between Nikki Hailey and Marco Rubio. Tricky Nikki and Little Marco.”

“Why them?”

“Nikki is Indian and a woman, so she could probably go well against Harris. She’ll also bring me her supporters. Can you believe it, in some southern states up to 25% of registered Republicans still say they’d vote for her! Up to 25%, Vlad! I need those votes!”

“And what would Marco bring to the table?”

“Probably some Latino votes, I don’t know. My people say he polls well among southern Republicans and some never-Trumpers, I still can’t believe those people exist!”

“Well, sounds like you’ll have to wait till tomorrow anyway, to talk with Elon. By the way, call me after and tell me what he thinks about my invitation.”

“What invitation?”

“I just told you like a minute ago that I’d like to meet him in person. Tell him he is welcome in Russia any time and then tell me later what he says, Ok?”

“Ok, Vlad.”

“Ok then. What else worries you?”

“Did you know that my campaign got hacked, Vlad, hacked and some important documents got leaked?”

“Yes, I’ve heard about it.”

“And you have nothing to do with it?”

“Didn’t your own people establish it was Iranians?”

“Yes, but they also said to me personally, not to the media, but personally, that Iran could be just a proxy for Russia or China, because you all are so tight. All dictators are so tight, they said.”

“And why would I hack you when you already are telling me everything I want to know as it is, Donnie? You do tell me the truth, right?” [menacingly]

“Of course, Vlad! Always, only the truth!”

“So then why would I hack you?”

“So it’s really Iran then?”

“I guess so. Or China. But I would never know, Xi is always playing his own long game.”

“That’s true. And how’s your game in Ukraine is going, Vlad? I hear that Ukrainians are getting deeper and deeper into Russia near Kur… what’s the name of that city?”

“Where did you hear that, Donnie?”

“It’s all over the media, Vlad! They talk about it on the news, everywhere!”

“I have to go now, Donnie, bye!” After hanging up, calling Peskov, “I thought you said Ukrainians were kicked out of Kursk, what the f*ck is going on?”

Confused Trump, to the phone, “Bye, Vlad. Is it something I said?”