Moscow's Calling - 25

This conversation happened on July 19, 2024, after the RNC was over.

“Hello, Donnie!”

“Hello, Vlad! Glad to hear from you.”

“Calling to congratulate you, Donnie!”

“On what?”

“On your official nomination as the Republican presidential nominee.”

“Ah, that. There’s no surprise there, what happened should have happened. It’s what would have happened anyway, Vlad, there was no other choice.”

“I know, Donnie, but doesn’t it feel nice to clear another hurdle on the road to your presidency?”

“Not really. I knew it would happen, so it’s kinda like they owe it to me. I got what I was due, Vlad. Only got what I was due.”

“Well, alright then. I’m also happy with your choice of JD Vance for the vice president. I love his stance on Ukraine.”

“And he loves you, Vlad.”

“Please tell him I can’t wait to meet him in person one day.”

“When?”

“When you guys get elected, we should do a little party together.”

“We will not be able to travel together, Vlad. One of us will always have to stay in the country when the other one travels abroad. Always stay in the country, in case something happens.”

“Well, then I will have to travel to you, I guess.”

“Aren’t you under sanctions, Vlad?”

“Didn’t you promise me you’d finish the Ukrainian war and take off the sanctions against Russia?”

“I did, but it won’t be easy.”

“That was our deal, Donnie. You promised me.”

“I remember, Vlad. But then there’s also the ICC warrant for you, right?”

“Well, I was hoping you’d help me to cancel that one as well, Donnie.”

“The United States is not a party to ICC, Vlad. I checked. Not a party to ICC.”

“Oh, wow, look who’s suddenly so astute about international organizations, Donnie.”

“I had to look into this, Vlad, because I did try to see if I could do something about it when I become president. Just wanted to help you out, as a friend. So, I looked into it.”

“I appreciate that, Donnie. Anyway, how’s your ear?”

“It was just a scratch, Vlad, just a scratch. I had it patched up, but it’s almost gone now.”

“I’m so glad to hear that, Donnie! From our first conversation, it sounded like a major wound.”

“I heal quickly, Vlad.”

“Like a dog?”

“What? Why like a dog?” [offended]

“That’s what we Russians say, heal like a dog. Because dogs do heal very quickly.”

“Really? I never knew this. I only say died like a dog.”

“I’ve heard that, Donnie, many times. Dogs deserve better. They are such great animals. Very loyal to humans.”

“Well, when I say died like a dog I mean a bad person, who deserved a horrible death. Died like a stray or rabid dog, I should say.”

“Again, Donnie, dogs don’t deserve that.”

“Ok, if you say so, Vlad. I know you love dogs. Me, not so much. Not so much, Vlad. Anyway, did you watch my unity speech at the RNC?”

“Not all of it, Donnie, but I got the most important parts of it.”

“Oh, I was hoping you’d watch it all. It was a good speech, Vlad.”

“I don’t doubt it, Donnie, but it was also so long! Wasn’t it like the longest presidential candidate acceptance speech ever?”

“Really? I didn’t know that.” [sounds pleased]

“Yes, and the second and third longest were also yours, Donnie.”

“That’s amazing, I didn’t know that. I guess I should be proud.” [chuckles]

Putin laughs into this sleeve, to Trump, “I guess you should be. But how did you manage to make it so long, Donnie?”

“Well, they told me to speak slower and softer, to look like I am going to unify the country. Did you like how I said that I am going to be the president for the whole country, not just half of the country?”

“I did, Donnie, I did. That was very impressive.”

“See? We are already getting some polling numbers, and they look really good for me. Really good, tremendous, Vlad.”

“That’s excellent, Donnie, keep it up. I have to go now, but congratulations again, and good luck with everything that will make you the president again.”

“Thank you, Vlad. Wouldn’t be able to do it without your help.”

“I’m glad you remember that, Donnie. Bye for now.”

“Bye, Vlad.” After hanging up, “Like you’d ever let me forget that.”