Moscow's Calling - 23

This conversation happened on July 6, 2024, after Putin received an unannounced “peacebuilding” visit by the Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán.

“Hello, Donnie?”

“Yes, hello, Vlad.”

“Did you get my present from Kanye?”

“I did indeed.” [dry, official]

“And you didn’t call me? Don’t you like it?”

“Well, I liked the box it came in. I wasn’t sure if it was a prank. Are you pranking me, Vlad?”

“Me? Never! Why would you think so?”

“A wig, Vlad? A female wig that looks like something only some old slut would wear?”

“Yes, Donnie, and I’m serious here. Remember we talked about Plan B, in case you don’t get elected and need to flee to Russia?”

“Uhm…”

“So, I’ve sent you the wig to go with the female Russian passport. I had my best artists create your passport photo in the wig. You’d make a big beautiful woman, Donnie!” [laughing into his sleeve]

“You must be kidding me, Vlad!”

“No, I’m serious, Donnie. You won’t be the first one, for sure.”

“Yeah? How come?” [suspicious]

“In 1917, during the Bolshevik Revolution, then Prime Minister of Russia Alexander Kerensky dressed as a woman to escape the Bolsheviks’ retaliation.”

“Interesting. Did he succeed?”

“Yes, he managed to get to the United States and died in New York in 1970. You really need to learn some history, Donnie.”

“Well, I still don’t know if I want to dress up as a woman to escape, Vlad. It’s so…”

“Unmanly?”

“Exactly, unmanly! I’m a man! A strong, handsome man at that. An alpha male. Imagine what my supporters would think if they knew I’d try to escape dressed as a woman. Me, dressed as a woman!” [scoffs indignantly]

“At that point, Donnie, would it really matter? You’d have to run for your life because you know that a Dem president would put you to prison. You said so yourself, I’m just trying to help.”

“I know, Vlad, don’t take this wrong, but as a woman? I’ve read the name on the passport, Donna Feodorovna Trump…[stumbles] Trump-ina. Really? What does it mean?”

“It’s just a Russified female version of your name, Donnie.”

“Feodorovna?”

“That’s the patronymic, your father’s name. Kinda like a middle name in English.”

“My father’s name was Frederick, Fred.”

“Yes, and Feodor is the closest we have to it in Russian.”

“I don’t like the sound of it, Vlad. If anything, I’d rather escape as a man in a dark-haired wig and moustache.” [looking at another Russian passport]

“Ooooh, you liked that one, didn’t you?”

“Yes, it’s much better, especially because it’s still almost in my name: Donald Feodorovich Trupin.* Did you omit ‘m’ in Trumpin on purpose?”

“Yes, Donnie, Russian people like their leaders with short names ending with ‘in’: Len-in, Stal-in, Put-in, Trup-in.”

“Oh, so you think I’ll be a leader of Russian people, Vlad?”

“Again, you and your uncanny ability to harp on the wrong words, Donnie! You’ll be a leader because you are my friend, indirectly.”

“Oh, I see… But don’t you have another friend now, Vlad?”

“What are you talking about, Donnie? You are my only world leader friend.”

“Oh yeah, didn’t you just receive the great Viktor Orbán yesterday?”

“He was here on an official mission, Donnie. He is helping me resolve the Ukraine conflict.”

“Oh really, and what did you do together?”

“You can read about it in our official statements, Donnie.”

“No, I don’t care about that. I mean I care some, but what did you do together after the official talks? Like, for entertainment?”

“Nothing, Donnie. We just had dinner and went to bed.”

“Really?” [skeptically]

“Really. He needed to be fresh for the Turkic Countries summit he is attending today in Azerbaijan. So it was strictly business, no play, Donnie.”

“Right. Just like with Kim, strictly business?”

“Right, strictly business. You have nothing to worry about, Donnie. You are still my best friend.”

“If you say so, Vlad.” [still pouts]

“I not only say so, I also really care about you, Donnie. Do you think I’d send you the Russian passports if I didn’t care?”

“Yeah, yeah, I appreciate that, Vlad, even though it still feels like a prank.”

“I’m sorry if it does, Donnie. I was dead serious, concerned about what you’d do if you need to flee.”

“Alright, Vlad, would you tell me what you discussed with Orbán?”

“No.” After hanging up abruptly, “What a moron! Let him now think what happened.”

Trump, to the receiver, confused, “What just happened? Should I call him back?”

*NOTE: In Russian, “trup” (pronounced ‘troop’) means “a corpse, dead body.”

Press Statements Following Talks with Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán (as published by Kremlin.ru and translated by ChatGPT)

July 5, 2024 – At the conclusion of the talks, the President of Russia and the Prime Minister of Hungary made statements to the press.

V. Putin: Esteemed Prime Minister! Ladies and gentlemen!

We have just concluded very intensive talks with Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán.

It is important that even in the current challenging geopolitical environment, we continue our dialogue.

As in many previous meetings, we had a truly useful and candid discussion on current aspects of bilateral cooperation and, naturally, on pressing international and regional issues, including the situation surrounding Ukraine.

I would like to note that Russia and Hungary continue to cooperate in several areas, primarily in the energy sector. The key principles are healthy pragmatism and mutual benefit.

Work is ongoing on the flagship joint project of expanding the Paks nuclear power plant. The commissioning of the fifth and sixth units will more than double the capacity of this plant. This will enhance the energy supply for the Hungarian economy, providing affordable and clean energy to industrial enterprises and households. The construction of the new units uses only the most advanced engineering and technological solutions, fully ensuring physical safety and environmental requirements.

We continue to support cooperation in medicine and the pharmaceutical industry. We advocate for continued work on priority areas of cooperation.

We had a substantial, direct, and honest exchange of views on current international issues, including the Ukrainian conflict. We also discussed possible ways to resolve it.

The Prime Minister spoke about his recent meetings in Kyiv, where he made several proposals, particularly calling for a ceasefire to create conditions for starting negotiations with Russia.

As for Russia, I have repeatedly said that we have always been and remain open to discussing a political and diplomatic settlement. However, from the other side, we hear a reluctance to resolve the issue in this way. Ukraine's sponsors continue to try to use this country and its people as a battering ram, as victims in the confrontation with Russia.

As we see the situation, including in light of what we heard today from the Prime Minister, Kyiv is still not ready to abandon the idea of fighting "to the bitter end."

In my view, the very notion of ending hostilities is unacceptable to the Kyiv regime because, in that case, the pretext for extending martial law disappears. And if martial law has to be lifted, elections will have to be held, which did not take place on time. But the chances of victory for the Ukrainian rulers who have lost their ratings and legitimacy are close to zero.

Our peace initiative was outlined quite recently during my meeting with the leadership of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of the Russian Federation. We believe its implementation would allow for the cessation of hostilities and the start of negotiations. However, this should not be merely a truce or a temporary ceasefire, not a pause that the Kyiv regime could use to recover losses, regroup, and rearm. Russia advocates for the complete and final resolution of the conflict. The conditions for this, as I have said before, were outlined in my speech at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. They include the complete withdrawal of all Ukrainian troops from the Donetsk and Luhansk People's Republics and the Zaporizhzhia and Kherson regions. There are other conditions as well. But these are subjects for detailed consideration during possible joint work.

Esteemed ladies and gentlemen,

Considering that Hungary is chairing the Council of the European Union from July 1, Prime Minister Orbán and I exchanged views on the state of Russia-EU relations, which are currently at their lowest point. We also discussed possible principles for the future, potential architecture of security in Europe.

Overall, the talks were very timely and, I believe, beneficial for both sides. Of course, Prime Minister Orbán expressed the well-known Western viewpoint, including the interests of Ukraine. Nevertheless, we appreciate the Prime Minister's visit to Moscow. We see this as an attempt to restore dialogue and give it additional momentum.

Thank you.

V. Orbán (as translated):

Ladies and gentlemen!

Esteemed Mr. President!

Today, I met with the President of Russia for the 11th time. The unique aspect of this meeting is that it takes place during a war, at a time when Europe urgently needs peace. For Europe, peace is the most important thing. Our main task for the upcoming six months of our EU presidency is the struggle for peace.

I told Mr. President that Europe’s greatest development occurred precisely during peaceful decades. Now, for two and a half years, we have been living in the shadow of war in Europe. This causes enormous difficulties in Europe. We cannot feel safe; we see images of destruction and suffering. This war is already impacting economic growth and our competitiveness.

In general, as I told Mr. President, Europe needs peace. Over the past two and a half years, we have understood that without diplomacy and communication channels, we will not achieve peace. Peace will not come by itself; we must work for it.

Today, I discussed with Mr. President the ways to achieve peace. I wanted to know the shortest path to ending the war. I wanted to hear and did hear Mr. President’s opinion on three important issues: his thoughts on the current peace initiatives, his views on a ceasefire and peace negotiations, and in what sequence they could be conducted. Thirdly, I was interested in his vision of Europe after the war. I am grateful to Mr. President for an open and honest conversation.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Over the past two and a half years, there have been practically no countries left that could maintain contact with both sides of the conflict. Hungary is one of the very few such countries. That is why I was in Kyiv last week and why I am now in Moscow.

I have understood from experience that the positions are very far apart. Many steps are needed to get closer to ending the war. However, the most important step we have taken is establishing contact. And I will continue to work in this direction.

Thank you.

Question: How did Mr. Zelensky respond to your proposal for a ceasefire? What was his reply?

V. Orbán: I conveyed this to the President of the Russian Federation.

Question: Mr. Putin, could you elaborate?

V. Putin: No.