Greenland — The World’s Worst Piece of Real Estate

Oh, picture the fun you will have in Nuuk Greenland during 3 weeks of summer, when temperatures soar to 10C (50F), Polar Bears roam the streets, and you are cut off from civilization.

With a population of 19,000 and nowhere to go, what could possibly go wrong?

Let’s not beat around the bush (sorry, but you won't find one there), Greenland is a f*ing wasteland.

Greenland Ain’t Green

Greenland is basically a huge glacier with 80% of its landmass covered by ice. That’s right — 80% of the “land” is frozen ice that’s as useful to human habitation as a screen door on a submarine.

And where there ain’t ice, there are inhospitable mountains.

Which leave only 1% of Greenland as green, for a few weeks in “summer”.

So what's up with the name?

“Greenland” is a 996 AD Marketing Slogan (of a murderer)

In 996 A.D., Erik the Red of Iceland was convicted of murder and exiled to the most remote, desolate territory the Vikings could think of.

To encourage others to join him, Erik dispatched a message back home to say his new land of exile, was a literal paradise. He even had the audacity to call it (they don’t call it “The Big Lie” for nothing), Greenland.

We don’t know what happened to Erik after his followers found out they were hoodwinked, but we have been stuck with the name Greenland ever since.

At least we don’t need to eat their food.

Disgusting Food (quoting Anthony Bourdain)

Greenlandic fine cuisine was a culinary wrong turn — think raw whale blubber, seal meat, and rotting shark.

Fermented —a modern euphemism for rotten — shark meat is called tikkugaq. Made from the Greenland shark, a species native to Arctic waters, the shark’s raw flesh is toxic due to high levels of urea and trimethylamine oxide. Fermentation breaks down these toxins, making it safe to eat — and resulting in a strong, ammonia-like smell.

Anthony Bourdain described it as “the single worst, most disgusting and terrible tasting thing” he had ever eaten. With a smell like “a pungent, urine-soaked mattress” and compared the experience to “chewing on a piece of tire that had been soaked in ammonia.”

Bon appétit!

Speaking of Food, You Are It

Greenland’s wildlife is beautiful but deadly. Locals say to carry a rifle. Polar bears are cute until they’re chasing you down for dinner.

Next-Level Isolation

Greenland is the least densely populated country on Earth, which means your neighbors are bears, seals, icebergs, and crippling loneliness.

Forget Uber Eats — there’s no food delivery, no Amazon Prime, and no escape.

Nonexistent Infrastructure

There are no roads between towns because, surprise, everything is either ice, cliffs, or water. Want to travel? Hope you like helicopters, boats, or dog sleds. And don’t even think about reliable Wi-Fi.

The Darkside of Greenland

In winter, the sun disappears for months. In summer, it never sets, which sounds fun until you realize you have a hangover from the partying done during the two month of “summer”.

The average temperature stays below 0C for 8 months of the year, which is basically nature’s way of telling you to stay the hell away. And during the other four months…

What, Mosquitoes ??

Yes, even in this frozen hellscape, mosquitoes exist. And not just any mosquitoes — these are Arctic super-mosquitoes that swarm in biblical proportions during the brief “warm” season. Bring a flamethrower.

Conclusion

Greenland is the planet’s way of trolling humanity. Unless you’re a polar bear, a climate scientist, or a masochist, there’s no reason to spend time there.

Marketing Section

[contains affiliate marketing links]

Real estate bargains abound in Tasiilaq, the largest city on Greenland’s sunny east coast!

Lovely Tasiilaq, population 1,985.

Features of the city according to Wikipedia:

• Medical services are provided by one resident Danish nurse and one resident “educated local helper”.
• Few families have access to running water.
• Unemployment is high and many of the villagers depend upon tourism to supplement the more traditional pursuits of hunting and fishing

Invest in property while supplies last!

For a taste of the delights you will experience living in Tasiilaq, here is a view of the main drag out of the city on a Friday night:

But Trump Wants the Minerals, Stupid

News headlines go on (and on) about the vast mineral wealth of Greenland. These articles inevitably use vocabulary like potential, reserves, untapped and of course wealth.

But the key word for Greenland’s mineral resources is — undeveloped.

With no workforce, no transportation, no mining ecosystem, and a deeply hostile environment, virtually every attempt to mine in Greenland has been quickly abandoned.

The is only one small low-value mine (White Mountain) that operates in the entirety of Greenland.

An Atomic Bomb 💣

The one thing of value buried under the Greenland icecap, is a lost nuclear warhead which tumbled out of a B52 in 1968.

If you find it, several rogue states want your number.