Calling Moscow - 31

This call happened on August 22, before the final day of the Democratic National Convention where Kamala Harris were to accept the party's official nomination as the presidential candidate.

"Hello, Vlad?"

"Yes, Donnie, what's up?"

"I know you've been traveling and didn't want to bother you, but I just can't. I just need to talk about this with someone so much! Need to talk about this with a friend."

"About what, Donnie?"

"I hate them so much, Vlad, I can't stand them! I don't know what to do, lost my sleep over them!"

"Whom are you talking about, Donnie?"

"The Obamas! Have you seen them swooning over the convention and saying nasty things about me? So nasty! To think of it, I used to respect them, can you believe it?"

"I really can't, Donnie. Didn't you always hate them?"

"Well, not really."

"Yes, really. Didn't you start the birther movement against Obama?"

"No, I only picked it up. Only because he humiliated me at that f*cking White House correspondents' dinner. Humiliated me so much, people were laughing at me there! I will never forgive him that!"

"No, Donnie, you have it in reverse: You resurrected the Birther conspiracy in March 2011 and the correspondents' dinner was in May. He actually responded to your attacks on him."

"Really? I don't remember that. And why are you defending him, Vlad? I thought you were my friend, not his."

"I am, Donnie, but I'm also for actual facts. Anyway, what did he do to upset you so much?"

"Didn't you see them at the DNC convention?"

"I don't watch that stuff, Donnie, only some clips after they get translated for me."

"Oh, well, first his man-wife Michelle, or as my people call him Michael, said that the presidency might be a black job. Can you imagine, the American presidency is a black job!"

"Obama was black and was the president, so what's wrong about it?" [laughing into his sleeve].

"Everything! Everything was wrong about it! He nearly destroyed the country, Vlad, I had to do so much to rebuild it! So much to rebuild, to make America great again! And I made it, too!"

"I know, Donnie, you don't have to tell me that. So what did Obama do?"

"When?"

"At the DNC, what made you so upset?"

"Ah, he mocked me, Vlad! Made a nasty personal attack on me! So nasty!"

"Really? How?"

"Well, he said I was 'a 78-year-old billionaire who has not stopped whining about his problems since he rode down his golden escalator nine years ago.' That's a quote, Vlad. That's what he said!"

"I'm impressed you cited it word for word, Donnie. Which part of that is not true?" [still laughing to the side]

"I don't whine, Vlad. I never whine. I only tell my supporters about how they are prosecuting me and persecuting me. So unfair! He also made fun of me talking about my crowd sizes, can you imagine?"

"Ah, that I have seen. That clip is going viral now, I've heard," [snorting into his sleeve with laughter].

"See?? It's a personal attack on me, Vlad, such a nasty attack because he was not talking about the crowd sizes."

"No? What was he talking about then, Donnie?

"My d*ck, Vlad! Everyone knows his is bigger, I don't know who can beat him there, maybe only the Shaq. But it's so personal, Vlad, such a horrible personal attack, when he used my beautiful hand movement to talk about the crowd size when in fact everyone knows it's not about that."

"Oh, you mean your accordion hand movement?"

"Yes! He tainted it for me, Vlad, now I will not be able to stop thinking about it when I talk."

"I told you a long time ago, Donnie, that the accordion movement was not that impressive. And when you use it too much, it's annoying."

"Really? I thought it was beautiful, shows the range of my thinking and breadth of ideas. I learned that from a public speaking coach."

"Maybe it was effective years ago, Donnie, but now it's a little too old."

"Well, I don't agree but OK. You know the worst thing he said?"

"What's that, Donnie?"

"That I'm afraid to lose to Kamala Harris."

"Aren't you, Donnie?"

"Well, maybe. A little bit. But only because I know that I will lose to her only if they rig the election."

"I'm not sure about that, Donnie. She seems to be gaining in the polls."

"No, we are going neck in neck, Vlad. Just like it was with Crooked Hillary. And then you helped me to get the advantage. Will you help me again, Vlad?"

"I don't know, Donnie."

"What do you mean, you don't know?"

"Well, you are the businessman, Donnie, think about this from my perspective, my return on investment. I never got anything back from investing into you, you still owe me two billion dollars..."

"You know I'm good for it, Vlad. When I sell my Trump Media shares in October, I'll give it back to you. I'm good for it. And if I get to be president again, you'll gain a lot more. So much more!"

"I'm not sure about that, Donnie."

"Really, why? Are you giving up on me, Vlad?"

"Well, didn't you yourself say that if Kamala gets elected I will be walking all over her? That I will be able to manipulate her into doing what I want?"

"Yeah, I meant not only you but all the other strong world leaders. You know what I meant, because she is such a weak woman."

"Yeah, yeah, but that kinda sounds good to me."

"Seriously, Vlad? Are you kidding me?"

"Of course I am, Donnie. Just teasing. I'll help as much as I can, you know that. But I have to go now, to deal with my own stuff."

"Ah, alright then. Please call me when you can."

"I will, Donnie, bye." After hanging up, "His whining can be amusing."

"Bye, Vlad." After hanging up, "If he doesn't help me, I'm screwed."