You don’t ever get over it, you get through it!!!

CHAPTER ONE

It’s like I’m falling, but there is nothing at the bottom. I feel like someone shot me with a shotgun.

I wake up almost everyday with this constant sadness that I can’t explain to even myself. Like a bad dream, you can’t wake up from no matter how hard you try. I try to be strong. But sometimes you can’t hold the weight. Sometimes you just have to let it fall and let go? Do you ever feel like you don’t mean anything in the world? Like you are dust? Well. I have. Ever feel like you’re alone but you’re surrounded by people? Me? Everyday. I don’t understand myself or my own feelings. How can you make someone understand how you feel when you don’t even know what these are yourself? I feel like I’ve lost myself. A void that can’t be filled because you don’t understand what is missing? I feel like that everyday. I love my life and my kids, I love my family more then anything! Anything in this world. Some I wish they would have kept me in their hearts but honestly they can’t imagine what I went through and how I feel. And I’ve learned a hard lesson in life. No matter how badly you want someone to stay, if they don’t want to, no matter what you say or do they will do what their heart wants, not yours. And that is one of the hardest things to accept.

How many people made promises in your life that we’re kept? How about broken? For me I have more broken promises then I can count. But sometimes patience is needed. No matter how badly you want something, wether it be an object or wanting a change in someone or a change in life period. Maybe a move or a decision.

When someone says why do you always take the hard road? Who says I see more then one road ahead of me. What if my other side is gone? Or never existed? Do I exist? I’m here but I’m in pieces. When we leave this world, what actually happens? Do we go somewhere else or do we just dissolve and disappear? They say to always ask the questions you want the answers to. But what if their isn’t an answer?

What do you see when you close your eyes?

Darkness.......

Darkness could be many things. Everyone sees things differently. Some see demons, some see angels, some see just........ black??? Isn’t there always some light in darkness or is it like blindness? Where you see nothing? Somethings you can’t explain how you see it. Everyone has their own perspective on things. Own opinion, own judgment, and of course everyone has their own decisions to make. Good and bad. Inspiring and selfish. But something that is seen to be selfish to one could be good to someone else. Again, it all depends on theirs and your perspective on the subject or person. I could go on about how many bad and wrong decisions I made in my life.... and I could tell you not to do them because it made me learn a lesson, but maybe it was a necessary one for me to learn on my own. So, I won’t do that. Everyone has a road to walk, and no one can take your road or switch it off unless you make that choice. We don’t know, how it goes or where we’re going to end up! No one does until that chapter is already over and you lived through it. Then you know. You can either learn from it or keep teaching yourself what you need to know until you know it what’s you want or need. Life and death is everywhere. Just like the air we breath. But it’s all part of life. We live and die.

Loss isn’t something anyone can prepare you for. How can they prepare you for something that they or you don’t know when is going to happen or what the situation is at the time. We just never know and it’s how we react and handle it at the moment. You can’t change the past but you can help prepare yourself for the future tragedy, and other losses.

If you have ever lost someone you loved then you know the amount of people who was affected by that one single person passing! It’s like the domino effect. Once one person breaks down everyone around starts to break down. It’s like a chemical reaction. Or yawning, if you see one person do it it makes you yawn too. I guess crying is the same way. For me anyway. I have lost a couple people in my life. One of those people being the father of my first 2 children. We were not a couple when he passed away but he was my first love and my first partner in crime. I have to watch my oldest daughter struggle without her dad for the rest of her life. Everyone makes mistakes, and this is the reason they say always be kind when you leave someone. Because anything could happen at any time or moment. You just don’t know. I have been through it and I have sat and watched my closest friends go through it without knowing what to say or do, but just be there. And sometimes that is the biggest thing you can do for them. You can’t fill empty holes with anything but what put the hole there in the first place. And sometimes you can’t do anything but forget, it heals but it’s still there. The scar will always be there. Because grieving is something that never goes away. You could think of them that day, or have a dream about them then BAM the grieving process starts all over again and the scars itch with pain. How can you scratch something that itches inside of you? You can’t!!! So it just builds up and then eventually there is so much pressure inside that you wanna scream it burns so bad. That feeling when your blood is pumping through you so fast that you can hear your heat beat in your head because all you can feel is your blood like you can hear it boiling.

What happens when the adrenaline kicks in and you have no control? What happens when you fight and fight with your biggest monsters inside your head and they take over. They just take control of your mind and body. You end up doing things or saying things you regret. And walking away for some is the hardest thing to do. I know from experience that fighting with someone who is already frustrated or feeling off or angry is not the right thing to do. For some of us, when we feel our angry emotions build up we let them take over. I know I have. I have broken and hit a lot of things along my road in life so far and it has never gotten me to where I wanted to be, but did the opposite and made it worse or more broken. The things we say to the ones we love, or anyone really, affect that person long term. That is why they say verbal abuse is sometimes worse then physical. The bruises will go away, but the words you say will haunt me for the rest of my life.

You’re ugly!!!! You look like a monkey! Are you sick? You need to gain weight! Your skin looks diseased and gross. You’re hairy, you need to wax or pluck those eyebrows. You look like a man. You are not attractive. You’re a stupid fucking bitch! I hate you!! Get the fuck out of my house!!!! Get out my fucking life. I don’t need you, you need me. I’m gonna take our daughter away from you. You’ll spend every dollar on a lawyer! I’m gonna take half your money. You do nothing around here! Look at you! Who would want to be with someone like you.

But we all say things we do not mean when we’re mad right?

These are the words that haunt my mind on a daily basis, and I wake up everyday with a smile on my face, and carry on my daily routine and life with my family. I also know that one day it might not be this way anymore.

When I think back and re listen to him say the mean things to me, I think, why? Why is this like this? Why are we like this? What did I do? Is it me? Or is it himself that needs something more or is not happy with something. How do you feel when you are holding the hand of your best friend, then watching them slip away slowly and anything you try to do to make it right, well it just didn’t matter! Not at the time anyway. The words you say to someone you love can really affect how they see themselves in the future. So damaging someone’s mind with rage words and mean actions can be fatal. So be kind! I know everyone says they’re just words, but they’re not. Words turn into thoughts and emotions and sometimes they lead to other things.

I know for me, that in my mind the words never leave my thoughts. And I will probably carry this burden with me for the rest of my life. Not that I want too, but I know knowing myself that I still carry the words that the kids said to me as a kid, and as silly as that sounds, it was mentally damaging to me and possibly for the rest of my life. And for what? So those kids can feel cool or have a moment? Well all I can tell you from my experience is don’t be that person. One thing from one person, one sentence, ruined me for my whole childhood school years. And I don’t know why I can’t seem to rid this off my chest and get over this but it’s not something you can just “get over” as they say.

Change!!!!!!!!!!!

Is one of the scariest things to conquer! Learning something new or meeting new people and staring over or even just starting a new job. I think a change in someone’s life can be drastically emotional. Change can be a lot of things. It can a be bump or breakup in someone’s relationship, it can be a move to a new place or even just visiting. Meeting new people, who you know will be in your life from that moment on. Or it could even just be decorating and painting a room in the house and moving the furniture around. Change could also be bringing a new baby home wether it be the first or a new sibling. Everyone has something that changes in their lives almost everyday and we always find a way to cope most of the time and endure what we can out of life. I know I try, but having to get through it first could be tough.

Chapter 2

What do dreams mean? What is déjà-vu? They say these have significant meanings if they keep repeating themselves or you are always finding yourself having the same dreams in a different way or if you come across something or someone that you think you’ve seen or heard before. But how do we actually know what they mean if we can’t always describe what we saw in our dreams because they were so vivid and you can’t see faces and sounds are normally muffled in your dreams. The only difference between the 2 is one you’re awake and the other your sleeping. Is there some reason sometimes they’re connected? Your subconscious trying to connect with you?

For me I have so many different emotions going through me at the same time I don’t know what I feel most of the time. If anything at all, almost numb completely from the inside out.

I know I am not the only one who feels this way. And maybe they don’t know why they have these feeling inside either. Almost as if there is a Labyrinth inside my mind. One day all my bad emotional walls are up hiding them and other days I’m all over the place with feelings because some walls come down and others go up. Like I am trapped inside my own mind and I can’t escape. I’m so lost and there is no one to help me but myself.

Sometimes you meet the odd person who is there to help guide you to your destination, even if it is just to the beginning. After all if you want to start healing to you have to start somewhere. Not everyone can give themselves a push start. So that’s where the special person in your life is there is help you, that being either your partner or a friend or a family member who is always there. If you don’t have that special person in your life that’s ok too. There is someone out there willing to listen and help. You just have to reach out to the right person.

Have you ever been around someone who you know used to love you but you know that somewhere some how something happened and they no longer give you the same vibes inside anymore? I feel like i know he is there but he is not there with me at the same time. When they stop kissing you, even in your daily routines, it just stops. And deep down inside you know they are slowing not feeling love for you anymore. You lie together but your not in tune with one another anymore. It’s like your connection wires are fraying and your emotions for one another are hay wire and can’t re connect the same way that they were. It’s almost like you feel damaged. I know I feel broken and damaged and not good enough inside. I know sometimes it’s my depression, but I also know that when someone is in love with you, they don’t just sit there and listen to you cry, or ignore that they notice you upset. I think true love in someone is not wanting to hurt that person and to be there to protect them and be there shoulder to cry on, not be the one to make them cry. That is not love. To me being in love is having each others back no matter what. Sticking together in good times and bad.

You know the passion was once there, maybe it still is? Words can hurt, but actions say more even then the hurtful ones. I do not understand how someone who you love and loves you can sit in the same room, Or lye in the same bed as you while you cry your eyes out, just wanting a hug or a cuddle. For them to wrap their arms around you and tell you it’s going to be ok. That’s all you want. Is some kind of way for them to show you that they still care, that maybe those hurtful words didn’t mean anything? And we can work this out? Maybe today is the day that things will get better and he/she will change and they will have some sympathy when you cry, even if they made you cry. Sometimes a hug or someone to hold your hand is all you need. Someone to say “ hey, it’s going to be ok “

Maybe I just need to let it go? It might be fixed but it will always be broken. And you can’t make someone change unless they choose to be that way. You can beg and plead and scream, but unless it’s what they want they don’t care what you think or what you want. Deep down Inside we all want what’s best for ourselves. We are all selfish. We are all guilty of saying mean things to others. But it’s how we project ourselves to others after we know we have done wrong. And also how we make it right. Was it the right way or was it the quick sloppy way out and you did it knowing it’s going to happen all over again? Because we don’t try hard enough or care long enough to actually make it right. There are very few people who care more about others then themselves at the time. And I know me, myself when someone is mad at me I can’t stand it. I have to make it right. But we all see things differently. And feel different about certain things and situations. I feel sometimes I am not meant to be happy. Or maybe my expectations are too high? I just want someone to care about my feelings like I do theirs. In every way. Maybe it’s a dream to be that happy. Someone who wants to make me stop crying, especially when it was them that put the tears in my eyes in the first place. I don’t want to be sad forever. Who wants that. Am I scared to be happy? I have always dreamed of just being happy and feeling happiness with the one person who makes me laugh and smile and even though they make me cry sometimes, someone who loves me for me. But seeing and feeling what I’ve felt in my life it seem impossible and true love really is just a fairy tale. Maybe I need to wake up? I can’t trust anyone not even myself sometimes.

Building a life together, and helping one other up, not putting them down, and saying mean words over and over every fight like they don’t know it hurts you, even though they know it does and that’s why they do or say it. It makes them feel big and powerful because they can put you down and they know how to hurt you.

I for one am not much of a religious person. Too much shit has happened to me in my life to believe that there is someone watching out for us. I used to pray everyday, but I lost my faith along the way. What did I do to deserve all this pain inside me? They said he will only give me what I can handle! But what if I can’t handle this much pain for much longer? It almost feels like I’m corrosive inside sometimes. Rusting away. My heart hurts and I didn’t know it could feel hurt in this kind of way. It’s just supposed to pump your blood??? But it has to be attached to your emotions and hurt like hell when you hurt and it makes you hurt more. Makes you want to curl up into a ball and hide in a hole. Will someone miss me and come find me? Or will I just be obsolete from this void of a world we call this life? But we don’t have a choice or a voice to decide what we want anyway. Everyone has a say in what we choose to do. It always affects more then just you. No matter what the choice is. Good or bad. Right or wrong.

Sometimes I feel so broken inside, so damaged that my body feels so heavy with all the weight of my feelings and thoughts I have on my mind rushing though me like an over flowing water fall. It feels like..... someone opened me up, and filled me with stones. To weigh me down.

I feel like I have a good heart and try my best at everything, like most people I have my lazy days and don’t feel like do anything. I have depression. And I do cry a lot. I actually think I cry everyday. Just all my thoughts going running thorough my mind at once, or over playing an argument in my head, and listening to the words he said to me over and over like a broken record. But it’s all I can think about because in reality I’m hurting so bad inside that if I don’t let some out each day I think I will have a full on breakdown. And the last time that happened I ended up in the ICU.

I remember feeling like the worse I have ever felt, the saddest and the angriest a person could feel. I think it felt like worse then rock bottom. For me maybe it was. My best friend who was living with me at the time found me on my bed surrounded by empty pill bottles. All I can remember from this moment is trying to walk down the stairs, and I felt sick. I walked outside to where she was sitting and she just looked at me. I heard her taking but I wasn’t sure what she was saying to me. I sat down and lit a smoke and I smoked a couple puffs and then I got up and ran to the other side of the carport patio and I remember puking up white foam. While this is happening I can hear her in the back ground talking to someone. It was 911. I remember her getting me up off the ground and bring me back inside to my bed. A couple minutes later an ambulance arrived to come check on my status as she had called in an OD. They took me in after some time of trying to coax me into the ambulance as I was not having it. Eventually I got in and was taken right to the hospital and put into the emergency department to wait for a bed. The nurses came in and took me a curtain room to sit and wait. She gave me a bottle of charcoal to drink, which was disgusting and made me puke black.

I remember waking up with blurry vision the next day trying to walk to the bathroom with my dolly and my IV inserted my arm. And I remember looking in the mirror and I didn’t recognize myself and I completely broke down in tears staring at myself in the mirror. Nurses and Dr.‘S surrounded me in the background. I touched my face to see if it was real, maybe I was hallucinating from all the pills I took the day before? And the trauma I had been through?

Chapter 3

Do you ever wish you could take something back you said or go back in time to change something you did because you feel guilty for hurting someone or breaking something you didn’t really want to get broken but at that time it was the only thing you could think of to make that person hurt like you’re hurting? I do! Do you ever wish you would have gone to see that person when they were sick but couldn’t get yourself to go, then when you can finally get yourself to go they are gone? And now you can never see them again or say the things you wish you could have said to them like “I love you” ? I do everyday! My heart aches for many people in heaven. It’s not something you just “get over” . I miss many people who have passed away. It adds to the daily pain I endure. There is no going back.

This is where you have to endure it and get through it.

Now ................

Close your eyes and......

SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOUDER!!!!!!!!!!

How do you feel? I always feel better after screaming into my pillow or in a field or the woods. It’s rejuvenating, and relieving at the same time. It just lets out all that built up emotions that we have feeling or our thoughts we think about that gets us deep down inside.

We all want our Cinderella story. But guess what, no rich man is going to pick my broke ass up off the ground. I have always had to pick myself back up. Superman doesn’t exist. Prince Charming isn’t out there. Everyone is a fucking asshole sometimes. It’s just how much of an asshole can you handle for the rest of your life? Or you live your live in misery alone because your the problem and you can’t admit it. Or you have been hurt so bad in your life that your heart aches so bad that you can’t find it in yourself to let someone in long enough to love. And your heart is so cold because it filled with so many holes that you have nothing left to give. And you sit there and watch everyone you meet drift away. You drowned in your own sadness because you don’t want to burden anyone else with your hurt and pain. I know they say your friends will be there when you need to talk, or if you need anything. What if when you’re in that state that you don’t know how to ask for help? You want to reach out so bad to someone but you have no trust in anyone, not even with your feelings? What do we do then? I for one lost my trust in most people because I have been taken advantage of in the past by many people whom I though were some of my closest friends and I could trust with my life! But it turns out, I couldn’t trust them at all. She stole from me, got me to purchase everything, then when my money ran out, she slowly drifts away from me like I’m not longer an importance in her life so she runs me out of the place we were in together and we have never spoken since. She has taunted me in near past but it was years ago and I just ignored her immaturity in public and let her humiliate herself.

He enters your body, but not into your soul anymore. It’s like the feeling that you get when you think you’re in love and it’s just not there anymore to the point where it’s almost like it’s fake. You know he’s there emotionally sometimes but most of the time it’s like a void your floating in. You do everything you do normally in your routine but there is less and less effort put in and with less effort you have less energy and less feelings to get you to connect in some way, anyway at all!

After all we are all dust in the end.