WWPCD?

I have been listening to When Things Fall Apart for the fourth or fifth time in my life. Technically this is the first time I have listened to it. I read it the other times. I can’t read or hear this work without coming away with something new. This time it had to do with the six types of loneliness. The cool loneliness is what we want our loneliness to be. It is the loneliness that doesn’t shy away from the pain but stops, drops every form of distraction, and sits with the heartache of our being.

It just so happened that I was having one of those moments where I look at my text message app and I look at all of the text messages that I have sent out that have not been returned. Some of them are unimportant, but there are messages that have not been returned in almost 24 hours. Those are the messages of love and support that I sent out, not seeking but giving, and no response. Earlier one of my roommates boyfriends was talking about the number of hours he was working and how he still needed to make time for the woman he adores. He said, “But we make time for things we want don’t we?” He has no idea what has been going on between me and what seems to be MY special someone. I haven’t seen him in a week except for briefly downtown by the bus station. He works a lot.

I need to sit here and feel that pain, according to Pema. After all she is who I want to be when I grow up. I can sit here in this loneliness and hurt and pain and type through these tears and not try to numb it out. Not try and soften the blow. She said to take this moment to touch the heartache. And when I do I have compassion for myself. This isn’t a selfish compassion. It is not a pity compassion. When I touch this heartache in my chest I feel validated and actually dignified. I am not weak for feeling this way. This is a normal part of the human experience.

I am now smoking a cigarette. I am a heartache touching padawan and I am proud that when Pema told me to do something, that I actually did it this time. Even if it was only for two minutes.

Pema wants/advises us to stop using different distractions from the pain of life. She uses the term “When the rug is pulled out from underneath us” to describe what I feel are moments of our natural state, which is chaos. I don't know enough to debate chaos theory but I can tell you that when I try to make order out of everything I end up fighting life’s flow. I know when I let go and say “fuck it” to my sense of control of my surroundings or inner state of being and just let life happen, a sense of peace comes over me as I watch shit fall into place. I don’t know what I am doing here. I am trying to control my heartache. I am trying to stuff it down with a person’s attention. But it isn’t working out for me. When I stopped trying to heard feral cats (other peoples actions or feelings) I felt validated and in a way whole. My heartache does not diminish who I am or what I am made of. I am Erica, fully and completely, heartache included.

I am reminded of my favorite line from Ocean Vuong’s Night Sky With Exit Wounds:

“The most beautiful thing about you is the direction you are heading; and even loneliness is time spent with the world.”

I can be unapologetically me and still have uncomfortable emotions. I could try to unravel the why of stuffing those uncomfortable emotions but that sounds like what I did the night my brain popped and I am not ready for another one.

The person text messaged me back. They have had today off and have not reached out to me until now. It is 3:30 in the afternoon. I am glad I took Pema’s advice because this doesn’t hurt me now. I owe my sanguine mental state to following your directions. I hope I can be as big of a gift to the world.

What Would Pema Chodron Do?

Sit with it.