worried about life

I am writing this, not to complain nor seek pity but as an open letter from my heart and mind to you the reader. As of late I have been having feelings of dread and anxiousness. I Feel that I am not good enough for anyone but I am not sure who.

These last few days or maybe weeks, I am not too sure, have been something else. My sleep schedule has been completely turned around for no reason. I go to bed around nine or ten am and sleep for a few hours then wake up. Eat, watch some TV and then go back to bed for several more hours. Usually it is dark before I wake up again or for good.

My typical escapes don't do it for me anymore. I use video games with my friends to get away from the moment and the worries that plague my mind. I enjoy a few beers to feel something but lately that hasn't worked either so i stopped that.

I almost feel like my life has no purpose, no direction, or any real meaning. Now this isn't a cry for help. I want to reiterate that. But maybe if you read this and are feeling similar, it might bring you some sort of comfort to know you're not alone.

Sometimes it is a suffocating feeling like there's not enough air in the room and you try not to breathe too much then you realize that you're alone and that makes it worse. I just want an escape, a break, a win. I don't feel good enough, i feel like i am letting everyone down and that's absurd because i have no one really.

My close friends are few but strong and the friendship is everlasting. I've distanced myself from what few relatives I have left. For no obvious reason. It is just how it has become. There is some jealousy on my end towards them but I don't want them to know. My brothers were adopted out of our family and we still keep in touch but i am a little mad that they got an escape and had a “normal” life. A mom, a dad and sisters and stability and love while I went to live with my grandmother.

I have recently lost my job as well from missing too much work because i don't feel well, now i'm not sure if it was the darkness manifesting itself in a physical form or what but the struggle and the shame is there. When someone asks “where are you working now?” or “ how's things going at work?” it's hard to come up with a wording that doesn't sound like a lie or an excuse. I don't want to tell them either that i got fired because i wasn't happy or that the thought of this particular job made me feel physically ill with how our society and the small town frame of mind is these days.

I just feel empty, full, sick and tied all in one breath. The days fly by and the tiredness never ends no matter how much sleep I get. Sometimes it's like looking out a window just to see a brick wall. No view no hope no daydreams. The wide eyed youthful hope has left my spirit and the dismal dread of 30 is just a few months away.

I know this will pass and I shall figure out what direction to go. What to do with my life but in the meantime I am tired and empty. Mourning the loss of something I never had and can't describe. I hope anyone feeling similar thoughts and days know that it'll pass and things will work out. It's okay to have bad days, these are bad times.