I'll choose my own path

And so it goes. A new year has come and with it I left my safe and secure job with no plans whatsoever. No idea what to do next. Some may see this as stupid rash move by an uncontent employee, others may see it as a lazy selfish act, and you may see it as a bold romance with the uncertainty of life. I don't really care.

It is time for a change. The world is too crazy and I feel the same right there with it. Time to cast aside the shackles of what people think is best for me and go out and find it myself. As God as my witness i will try to do my best to find happiness in this new year. Burn it down and start a new, like the phoenix and fly high and free with no regret. I ask myself what is the point of it all some days? Why do we work so hard just to die?

Walking out the door to start my adventure, the air is crisp and calm. An eerie silence blankets the scene. How fitting? I tell myself. Then I hear a barn owl scratch just beyond the trees. A sign of ominous fortune they used to be, and also some see them as good luck. I hope it's good luck , I could certainly use it. The wise old owl, master of the night sky and the silent always watching set of eyes that scan for an opportunity. I need to be more like the owl in this new chapter of life. I need to see that next move and swoop down and grab it without hesitation.

I light up a cigarette as I think of this. Take a look back at my home of the last few years and sigh. I looked at my phone and the last message I sent my girlfriend. It was a message of anger and disappointment. It's time to move on, we are not happy. We are just going through the motions. She has been good to me as has this house and this town but I feel it's time to move on. Find myself, find my voice, find my legs and find my heart.

The road is daunting as I drive with nothing to look at but the white lines on this frigid dark highway. I do not know where i am headed. All I packed was the essentials. Some clothes, some cash, my trusty guitar and hopefully a little luck.

If i'm going to turn back and head home i only have a few more hours to do so. Once my girlfriend and family realize I'm gone there is no coming back. My pride will not allow it. Pride is what drove me to this. Pride and fear. Too proud to have a meaningless job and too afraid to let it break me and consume me like I have seen it do to so many others. Clock in and clock out just to collect a check so they can live a nice safe life with now risk. By the time they can retire their body is so broken and feeble they can't enjoy the time they have left. I do not want that for myself. I do not know what I want but i know i don't want that.

I left in the middle of the night for reasons even unknown to me. Jst a rash decision. My life has been full of those lately though. Since my best friend was killed I've been just winging life with no regard to the future. Drifting from one thing to another, not content and hiding my feelings from myself. I hope this is what I need and can grow.

I pull into a gas station to fuel and recharge. Some coffee, some bourbon, some smokes. The essentials, you know? As I am standing there pumping gas I see an old beat up station wagon pull up loaded with boxes and crap. I wonder what they're running from? I asked myself. A balding man with no shame spills out of the car. Clears his throat and spits. Lovely thing to see. I wince and look away trying not to be drawn into his orbit. He's crusty, pickled, and delusional. Mumbling to himself about god and satan. Shit. he sees me. He staggers over and says in a raspy whiny voice “Hey brother, can you believe what's going on in washington?” I just nodded, nodded and said I don't follow politics. He gave a wheezing laugh and slapped me on the back. “That's good! Makes you age too fast to worry about what's not in your controle. God will look out for you.” He shuffled on to the store entrance and I sat there and soaked up that little bit of wisdom. Perhaps this man wasn't running from anything but was running towards something. He had peace of mind in not knowing the universe's plans. Freedom! Hope! Peace! These are all the things this man spoke of and only so few words. Maybe god was looking out for me.

Another vehicle pulls up. This a van that has seen better days. A girl gets out. She's flustered and visibly upset. What could be wrong? She slams her door and goes on a rant about men, and how they are only after control. Controle of her life, body, and future. She noticed me looking at her with puzzled concern. Her eyes are full of tears and this makes me uncomfortable. She walks up. And says “I hate how people try to control me, I'm an adult, I'm a mother. I can be in control of my own life” I still probably had this dumbfounded look on my face. She then goes “i'm sorry i didn't mean to unload my problems on you. I'm just so pissed. This always happens” I asked her what happened and she just said “oh same old story, you know?” she got her fuel and headed back the way she came. I wondered if she was headed back to the man who tries to own her.

In that short time I've met two people who possess two different views. A man running from nothing and confident in the journey and a girl who's running from tyranny and turns back to it because maybe it's the familiar thing. And here I am running from nothing and going nowhere. I hear an owl screech again. I thought how odd? What are the chances? Am I running from something or from myself? It's not quite dawn as I start my car and pull up to the road to turn onto it. Do I go back and take control of my life or run and start over? I shutter from the cold and I turn onto the cold bitter highway.