Words of A Broken Woman

I wrote this weeks ago but didn’t have the courage to post this publicly for others to Feel the pain in the words I compiled together in this piece. Today changes that though. Now I honestly just don’t care for your opinions on my neglected grammar and punctuation in my explosion of pain and the epiphany that resulted from my getting it all out on the table for the very first time in my 30 years of living.

#thisisvulnerabilityatitsfinest

#riddlemethis

What is the purpose of life if not to teach yourself to find happiness in all of your darkest moments and to allow yourself to live with such passion that you can feel the change in your veins as they start to pump fierce flames throughout your being showing you how much you could genuinely feel alive. Living to the extent that you’ve finally learned how to feel irresistible to yourself more than ever before - so much that you might begin to consider the thought that you might actually be starting to realize and understand how you could possibly and just maybe be even in the slightest figment of your own imagination be considered a person so ‘intoxicating and addictive to be around’ at times when simply being the person I portray in most eyes as a professional at hiding all the fear inside. Fear to really live as myself. As Emily.

How could I really believe the disastrous and beautifully chaotic mess that I am could be those things?! HAHA.. I must be crazy right?!

I see things differently now though and think to myself that yea - I am forgetful, messy, sometimes careless and that secretly inside sometimes I fight with myself over the reasons why I should go inside the store or not due the overwhelming anxiety of having everyone’s eyes on me but I need things to live from the store; that I might struggle with always needing to make sure that my all of my clothes match (even what’s underneath) because my personal ocd with my physical appearance takes over and controls the way I feel about myself every time that I look in the mirror because I’ve never been taught how to conquer the fear of never being good enough for anyone or MYSELF until now; I got through life allowing myself to be controlled by thoughts and the possible behaviors and comments that could come from the general populous with their opinions on how I should live my life in societies eyes so I won’t speak my mind but rather tap the end of my nose with my index finger as I ponder the thoughts to myself doubting their validity more than ever before. I know that even as fucked up I think I am personally, life doesn’t have to be something draining. I don’t have to subject myself to what others think cause what I think of myself is always going to wind up being more important. The only real opinion that matters in the end is the one of ourselves. Right?

Life is NOT meant to be felt in a way that is consuming in manners that you wind up feeling like you’re always fighting yourself out of a storm struggling to survive the night - the moments of despair that become so sharp we can’t breathe of fathom the thought of feeling any emotion at all.

Feeling such hopelessness inside finding yourself fighting to simply breathe because you can’t escape the weight that ‘in blind eyes’ have seen you effortlessly managing to constantly and consistently carry on your shoulders without accepting that our shoulders are getting heavy and make us feel as though that support in ourself is buckling and weighing you down from deep inside the hollow of your chest making you crumble from the pain that it’s causing and from your heartstrings that are physically breaking. Realizing your soul is abandoned inside your physical being somewhere inside yourself that you can’t even manage to find even though you’re used to seeing in the dark from never feeling that you could have ever been those silly things that you once dreamed about being or consider allowing yourself to see any kind of light or even allow it to take hold of the smallest part of your life to give you some kind of weapon against that war on yourself over bullshit that you’re just too dumb to ignore.

I THINK NOT.

I refuse to believe that horrible excuse of survival is what life and its purpose for us when given the freedom to experience it out on our own terms and in our own ways is meant to be.

Not for anyone. Not for anything.

Life is meant to be so much more than I could ever possibly begin to explain to anyone because finding what makes you feel alive and able to live your life so beautifully - is something that they must do themselves.

Allow yourself to feel alive and build yourself up from the once smoldering flames suffocating you from inside in the days that are challenging. Never give up on yourself.

You are a Phoenix rising from your own ashes and that’s the most beautiful realization when you are able to let yourself see and have such things.

- learn to live with love for yourself, to live passionately and most importantly, how to live and not be afraid to be happy..