Why The Narcissist Wants to Erase Your Identity

If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist you are probably familiar with that confused foggy feeling that overtakes you when you are around them for any length of time. This feeling is a symptom of systematic gaslighting and thought control tactics. I remember constantly feeling muddled and disorganized around my abuser as I was never truly safe to be myself or permitted to question his endless rambling narratives.

The narcissist must be superior to you at all times, and they cannot tolerate it when you question the weird things they say and believe. If you have attributes they don't have it threatens their false image of grandiosity. If you offer a valid rebuttal to the nonsense and lies spewing out of their mouths, they quickly and often abusively shut you down. They will pull out all the stops to keep themselves above you in all ways! Honesty, empathy, and reciprocity are absolutely foreign concepts to the narcissist.

For a narcissist to sustain their false sense of superiority they will go on a methodical campaign to erase your identity so you no longer trust your own thoughts and judgment.

Narcissists distort the truth through disinformation, oversimplifying, ridiculing and sowing doubt. Narcissists are master manipulators and can be incredibly skilled at using the classic elements of thought-control and brainwashing. When you're in a relationship with them it is very difficult to spot the distortions they deliberately and instinctively practice.

Devaluing the things that you say is a very common form of narcissistic brainwashing. In my abusive relationship, all of my thoughts and opinions were questioned daily. He would immediately dismiss what I said as wrong without a second thought. If I offered proof to what I was saying I was met with rage or disdain. He loved telling me how much of a "child" I was whenever I expressed my displeasure with his unfair judgment of me.

Narcissists will act incredulous when you stand up for yourself against their gaslighting and abuse. They often use this tactic when they don't understand what you're saying or if they don't have a legitimate argument and know you are right. Rather than admit they are wrong, they pretend that what you're saying is beyond belief. This is an attempt to dismiss your valid concerns and feelings. It also frees them from any responsibility. It's a tactic they use to make you wrong and them right.

Healthy intimate relationships are balanced so that both partners have an equal say in decision-making. Overall, both individuals get their needs met. They each are able to assert themselves and negotiate on their own behalf. This requires autonomy, self-esteem, and mutual respect for each other.

Narcissists do not want you to have your own autonomy. They need you to be an extension of themselves so they can feel safe. Knowing you are smarter than them is not something they can handle, so in order to remain untouchable, they must destroy your identity.

In her book Conquering Shame and Codependency, Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT describes traits and motivations of "Master" and "Accommodator" personalities. The master is aggressive and motivated to maintain power and control, while the accommodator is passive and motivated to maintain love and connection.

Dr. Lance goes on to say,

Brain synchronization enables the dominant animal to lead and subordinate animals to read its cues and follow. What does this mean for our relationships? The new research suggests that in unequal relationships, the dominant partner's brain entrains that of the subordinate partner, whose brain will synchronize with it. This pattern becomes more established the longer the couple interacts. Even though some individuals may be assertive and appear to behave independently prior to or outside of the relationship, once they're attached to a master, they increasingly accommodate the dominant partner.

When a narcissist gets control of your mind it's harder for you to think and act autonomously and challenge the power imbalance. Narcissists use gaslighting and devaluation to guide you towards things that are not in your best interest by subverting your thought processes. It's all about making you act how they want you to, and do what they want you to.

My abuser regularly played the parent in our relationship. He wanted me to feel like a foolish child any time I attempted to assert myself. He used a "fatherly" tone as he reprimanded me and in an instant I was transported back to childhood, feeling the emotions of wanting to please and feel loved and accepted.

He was doing things to control my emotions by creating a sense of obligation to him. He also wanted to create a fear of loss, or make me feel a sense of subservience to authority. This weapon of influence that he regularly used worked outside of my normal consciousness, making this technique incredibly powerful.

Whenever my abuser did something for me he made sure I knew that I owed him. If I didn't praise him correctly and flatter his ego he would threaten me that he was going to leave me. This was his favorite form of blackmail that he often drug out dramatically after a rage to punish me for daring to call him out. I cannot even count how many times he would play this game with me. He would spend an entire day cruelly pretending he was leaving me and we were broken up. Then when he was satisfied that I was put back into submission he would give me relief by being kind and telling me:

"I don't want to leave you, Candace. I just want you to get mental help so we can have a happy relationship"

I was so deeply trauma bonded due to the extreme out-and-out abuse, that these episodes always left me raw and traumatized. When he started being nice again I was so relieved! I would apologize when in reality I had done nothing wrong. I would concede that I was the problem and agree with him that I needed to go to counseling, just to make the abuse stop when it was him the entire time!

If he could frighten me with his rage and threats of abandonment, he could cause me to revert back to being a frightened child, thus continuing the power imbalance in our relationship; with my real adult identity hanging by a thread.

If you constantly wonder how you feel about your relationship, ruminate about what you could do differently, feel like the problems with your partner are somehow your fault, feel constantly fearful and anxious, and if you feel like less of a person around your partner, then it's highly likely you have been the victim of a narcissists emotional manipulation and identity theft

The good news is that you can untangle yourself from an abusive relationship. However, it's important to understand that the aftermath of emotional trauma needs to be taken seriously. Books and social media can help, but the most effective program for recovery is going No Contact with an experienced Trauma Coach.

If you are currently trying to get out of a toxic relationship or have left but still feel traumatized, I would love to connect with you!

Please reach out to me by email or visit my website! Remember you are not alone!

www.unlivingthelie.com

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