The Narcissists Oppressive Communication Style

Have you ever been trapped in a droning conversation with a narcissist? Did they ramble on ceaselessly about nothing, weaving tall tales of nonsensical word salad, or repeat the same story you've heard over and over? When you tried to join in on the convo were you met with rage and accused of constantly interrupting them or were you completely ignored as their diarrhea of the mouth continued?

My abuser's idea of a "good talk" was one where he did all the talking and I just sat there and listened. Communication was all about him and he made sure to shut me down quite early in the relationship. If I didn't sit silently and hang on to his every word he would either go into a rage or he'd abruptly stop the conversation and tell me if I didn't start learning how to communicate we wouldn't be talking.

When narcissists' are talking it is not a give and take exchange. They are not talking to get your feedback. They simply want an audience to sit there and absorb everything they are saying and your views or opinions are completely irrelevant. Narcissists communicate in ways to demonstrate their false superiority, conceit, and entitlement, and to manipulate, exploit, and control relationships.

Healthy conversation is a two-way street, with each party taking turns speaking and listening with mutual interest. A narcissist allows little or no space for others and they do not understand social communication cues, such as body language, tone of voice, and personal space or boundaries. Even when the other person manages to get a point of view in, the narcissist may listen briefly, acknowledge little or none, and change the topic right back to themselves.

Early on in my relationship with my abuser, I discovered alarmingly that he was the most difficult person to have a conversation with. I was actually quite dumbfounded. He dubbed himself a "brutally honest truth-teller" Yes, he was brutal but I would hardly call him a "truth-teller". I'd say loudmouthed, emotionally blind, pathologically insecure, oppressive, verbally abusive ass!

This man NEVER grew tired of hearing his own voice. I believe he actually thought he was some type of comedian/talk show host where every topic was about him. I cannot tell you the hours I lost listening to his ridiculously long-winded monologues. It was all elaborate works of fiction and completely exhausting. His own family warned me he never stopped talking and he was a "know it all" that never backed down.

So many times I wished he had a zipper on his mouth so I could shut him up!

The worst part of his horrid communication style was the gaslighting. Anytime I tried to add my thoughts or opinions he immediately would cut me off and told me to "Stop interrupting, him!" He was very adamant that I had a problem with communicating and constantly interrupting him. This actually spun him into a rage most of the time. I was never allowed to talk and I don't believe he knew how grown-ups had conversations, with even exchanges of active listening and responding back and forth. It was only his thoughts and feelings that mattered and he made that very clear when he was gaslighting me, telling me I was selfishly trying to turn the conversation around to me.

I really thought I had stepped into an inverted version of reality. There was not one conversation where he wasn't jumping down my throat about interrupting. He was all-knowing and I offered no value to anything. I was totally confused because no one in my life had ever told me I was a rude communicator. In fact, it was quite the opposite. While I love talking, it's always motivated toward the other person to get to know them. I am a sociologist and human being's behavior fascinates me. I love people!

My abuser on the other hand was hell-bent on reprimanding me about my "over talking problem" which was quite comical considering the fact that he oppressively dominated all discussions. Most of the time when he wasn't yammering on about himself he was gaslighting and projecting his disowned bullshit onto me, making me somehow the cause of all his woes. According to him, I hurt him deeply because I never listened to him.

I heard constantly:

"Listen to me!"

"Let me finish! You, never let me finish!"

It's so insane because all I did was listen to him!

Everything was about him!!

Narcissists love to use social media as a form of communicating about themselves as well. They often enjoy "humble" bragging or dramatizing their supposedly envy-worthy lifestyle, their brag-worthy achievements, and their trophy-worthy relationships. This form of communication is nirvana for them because it becomes a living advertisement and billboard for their faux fabulous life.

The bottom line is, communication is a tool for power and control in the narcissists' mind. They believe they are far superior and that they know better. They may frequently express their opinions in an annoyingly pompous way to prove their self-imagined importance, offering boorish and unsolicited advice, even when highly inappropriate. During most communication, the narcissist violates boundaries by imposing their offensive pathology upon others to satisfy their egocentric and insecure needs.

No matter how much you try to help them, a narcissist will never self-reflect and realize they are being rude and obnoxious. They will flip it all around on you and punish you for daring to call out their bad attributes.

After you have left your abusive relationship with a narcissist you may find yourself worried that you are a narcissist because you find yourself overtalking. Let me reassure you that this is a trauma response due to constantly being shut down and not being allowed to express your feelings, opinions, and thoughts. You are finally free and you may compulsively need to talk and over-explain. This is a natural part of recovery for many survivors.

If you need support for this please reach out to me! You are not alone!

www.unlivingthelie.com