Why Narcissists Struggle with Deep Regret and Responsibility

So I will attempt to break it down into pieces to make it as easy reading as possible.

Is it possible for someone with narcissistic personality disorder to genuinely feel remorse and seek forgiveness for their emotional abuse?

No.

Therefore narcissists, especially ‘Christian’ narcissists probably cannot be saved.

We have to go much much deeper, to understand the meaning of repentance, then how it relates to narcissism, then how that creates the whole problem with narcissists. Because you see, this isn’t as simple as it looks. There are deep spiritual implications behind and following all this.

So let’s begin.

What is repentance?

Repentance is change of mind or attitude.

What Is Repentance?

Repentance involves recognizing that you have thought wrongly in the past and determining to think aright in the future. The repentant person has “second thoughts” about the mindset he formally embraced. There is a change of disposition and a new way of thinking about God, about sin, about holiness, and about doing God’s will. True repentance is prompted by “godly sorrow,” and it “leads to salvation” (2 Corinthians 7:10).

What is repentance and is it necessary for salvation?

Secularizing it a bit, and putting it more in terms friendly to this answer and for answering narcissism,

Repentance is sorrow for causing abuse and undergoing a change of mind or attitude stemming directly from how you now perceive the abuse.

Narcissists cannot do this. They refuse to perceive abuse correctly. And because of that, they refuse to feel sorrow for the harm they caused. And so they refuse to change their mind about abuse. They stay stuck. In unrepentance. Forever.

The best a narcissist can manage is fake repentance, which involves the weaponized innocence of acting and showmanship to escape accountability. True repentance never seeks to escape accountability. That is the crucial difference, because the divergence occurs at how the abuse is re-perceived, a seachange paradigm shift occurs inside. This newfound perception makes the perception of their vileness to choose sin or abuse more painful than anything accountability of physical punishment can mete out, which is what makes them spiritually ready to repent.

Unrepentance is incapability of being convicted for their sins, incapability of perceiving the vileness of their intentions, which leads to incapability of feeling guilt for it, and hence the refusal to be truly accountable. Only someone who truly perceives the vileness of their abuse can turn and sin no more.

Hence perception is all important. Narcissists cannot make the breakthrough to perceive correctly, hence guilt, seeing the point of repenting, all these down the river actions become impossible.

The narcissist will only ever continue faking it forever to forever continue making it (i.e. escape accountability forever).

And hence the narcissist stays in faultless blamelessness land forever.

No one can cause anyone to perceive something they are inherently incapable of perceiving.

For the sake of this answer, you can perceive repentance purely in secular terms, because it can also work that way. When we deal with it purely secularly, this is how repentance and unrepentance looks like.

The repentant elbower

Someone accidentally elbows you in the eye. You scream out your rebuke at them. They fall over themselves apologizing and making sure you are alright, asking you if there is anything else they can do to make it alright for you.

The unrepentant elbower

Someone accidentally elbows you in the eye. You scream out your rebuke at them. Making sure they avoid eye contact, they slink away from you, walking out of the room quietly.

When they elbowed you in the eye, they sinned against you. When they fell over themselves and sincerely apologized with sorrow in their hearts, they repented. At no stage did anyone have to utter the words ‘rebuke’, or ‘repent’. Nevertheless, the emotional injury is healed.

As for the unrepentant one, you will remember this incident with at least some ache in your heart forever. Not because your eye still hurts (it doesn’t), but because there’s always something deeply disturbing about unrepentance that’s subtle and hard to define, yet our spirit silently perceives it keenly.

Every day in our lives, we rely on the natural repentance of repentant souls to feel alright about the injuries they incidentally inflict onto us.

Unrepentance causes grudges, maintains grudges, encourages grudges, and makes the whole room, the whole world, more and more toxic, incident by incident.

Repentance detoxifies.

Unrepentance stores up toxins.

An unrepentant person is not just unlikeable, they are toxic, they are walking pus bags of toxin.

Why repent?

For peace. For mutual healing. Repentance is harmonization. Repentance is love. When you repent, you make a deliberate decision to harmonize with someone for the sake of peace and love, to drop aggression and stubborn conflict-seeking, and love each other, even as strangers.

Without harmonization, there is only runaway conflict, no peace, only trouble, endless dramas and crazymaking. Unrepentance forces things to default into a recursive spiral of antagonism until things melt down. Pain grows and grows until all is pain.

But it’s not as simple as that. Repentance, harmonization, requires that people deny themselves, that they abandon their MeNow, that they abandon arrogance. Narcissists cannot harmonize because they are pure arrogance, usually the quiet kind, the quietly self-exalting kind. Narcissists are unconditionally MeNow. They cannot drop their MeNow for even five seconds, long enough to repent.

No narcissist can be meek.

5 Blessed are the meek,

For they shall inherit the [a]earth.

Bible Gateway passage: Matthew 5:5 — New King James Version

God doesn’t want these people inhering the earth.

Because if they did, they will restart the abuse cycle. And all the crazymaking will recommence anew.

Repentance is good.

Unrepentance is evil.

Narcissists are not just incidentally unrepentant. Narcissism is caused by unrepentance. Unrepentance is written into their spirits.

Narcissists have zero talent for repentance.

But we need to also explore the meaning of good and evil.

The conventional definition of good is ‘doing good deeds’. But I have a problem with that, because narcissists also do good deeds. That’s undeniable. They donate money, they help old ladies cross the street, they give nicely wrapped presents to people, some even teach Sunday School. If we subscribe to this erroneous definition, then we provide gaps for the narcissist sympathizers to come in and say that narcissists have good and evil in them too, just like everyone else, so narcissists aren’t evil.

But narcissists are evil.

They are the face of it.

What makes my argument stick? How am I not just throwing ridiculous nonsense around?

Let’s engage in a thought experiment.

Suppose somebody does something bad, like adultery. But they repent. They truly, sincerely repent. Will they do it again? They likely won’t, if their repentance is genuine. Then we can chalk that up to, ‘mistakes done in youth’.

Now suppose in a parallel scenario, they don’t repent. Will they do it again? Either way, whether they do or not, you know you can’t trust them, because there is something deeply wrong with them. And the word for that is ‘unrepentance’.

Unrepentance is untrustworthy.

Unrepentant people cannot be corrected. If someone is a moral fool, and they manage to do many moral things wrong, but they sincerely repent each and every one of their acts, then it’s only a matter of time before they are corrected into moral wisdom (repentance isn’t easy, it’s harder than just saying the word ‘sorry’). But if someone is morally disordered, and cannot repent, then they are stuck with either committing the same types of moral wrongs over and over again, or getting morally worse and worse with time.

Such is the difference repentance makes.

The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector

9 Also He spoke this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others: 10 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other men — extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess.’ 13 And the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me a sinner!’14 I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be [a]humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

Bible Gateway passage: Luke 18:9–14 — New King James Version

This passage attempts to show us that no matter how already virtuous you are, how already righteous you are, without repentance, you are morally nothing.

The Pharisee is undeniably less sinful than the tax collector. During those days, a tax collector is basically an extortioner, no different to mafia running around extorting businesses down the street on behalf of the Roman empire. But worse, since tax collectors are Jews oppressing Jews for Caesar, they are the betrayers of everything. They are the worst. So why is Jesus exhorting the tax collector over the Pharisee?

It’s because the Pharisee has no talent for repentance. And without that, the tax collector will eventually become more righteous than the Pharisee, given sufficient time and correction in the form of rebukes, and lots of earnestness.

The Pharisee is spiritually worthless. The tax collector is not.

Let’s translate this into secular terms.

The narcissist is a philanthropist out there, a celebrated humanist. But they are a lousy parent, because they are so abusive and cruel. One day, you grow old enough to rebuke them for their evil deeds. They refuse to repent, three times. They never ever subsequently repented.

In a parallel case, another parent was never there, they drank too much, sometimes hit you over nothing and caused you bruises, and you were left to fend for yourself too often during your lonely and insecure childhood. One day, you grow old enough to rebuke them for their evil deeds. Tears started streaming out of their eyes, they bawled out their apologies. They are truly repentant.

Who is the better individual? Who demonstrates greater morality? As an adult child, which parent would you choose to reconcile with?

If one must be deemed evil, can you confidently label the alcoholic, physically abusive yet repentant parent as evil?

You wouldn’t if you have a heart. Because they repented.

This however, contrasts with the philanthropist parent and allows us to declare their unrepentance for the wickedness that it is. Because it shows that they never wanted to get along with us, ever. Their reaction suggested that they had great fun abusing us, it’s part of their personal happy memories photo album. It’s egosyntonic. Abuse is inherently highly agreeable to them. Hence there’s nothing to regret. For them, life was good abusing us.

A good person is not someone who did things to benefit us, no matter how much we benefited from it, if they simultaneously contained the poison of wanting to ruin us. If we are blind to this, we are no different to cows and chickens, livestock, fattening on pampering, awaiting the slaughter. Narcissists specifically seek to exploit this, defending their obvious wrongdoings by persistent derailing of discussion through unverifiable claims of good intentions. They will use this tack continuously, machine gun flinging back claims of their good intentions at you to repeatedly delete your words whenever you seek to rebuke their wrongdoings. It’s all just weaponized innocence.

A good person is someone who first and foremost, doesn’t unrepentantly harm us, then anything beneficial they also do is the bonus icing on the cake.

“True love means that you care for another person’s happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.”

― Nicholas Sparks, Dear John

A quote from Dear John

The quote above is healthy love. Narcissists can’t do this.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry

Love means never having to say you’re sorry — Wikipedia

This quote above is sick love (which actually isn’t love). Narcissists probably love this quote.

This tells us that there is something magical about repentance itself.

Repentance touches our hearts.

It heals the harm caused.

Reconciliation is possible with repentance.

But without repentance, without the possibility of correction, there can only be ruin. Toxic ruin. Thinking about it logically, there cannot be any other eventual outcome through unrepentance than ruin, grief, and in between, continuing unrepentant abuse.

Unrepentance leads to hell. The kind of hell where they are 90 and you are 60 and they are still doing the same crazymaking hurtful things to you. Neverending hell. Because without correction, things cannot be fixed. In one sense, hell is simply neverending ruin.

Unrepentance is cancer. Everything you have with the narcissist eventually only leads to ruin. Such is the power of unrepentance. Everything turns sour. Your whole life with them was a complete and utter waste.

Over the course of our day, ten minor incidents happen. That requires ten minor repentances. Imagine a life with someone who is never sorry for anything they ever caused, whether incidentally or gleefully. That’s 10 per day, 70 per week, 3650 per year. They were never repentant for even a single one of these minor incidences. How can this not lead only to ruin eventually?

We’ve even left out the major hurtful incidences from these 10 per day. Those major hurtful incidences are probably worth 1000 minor repentances. We are talking about ‘accidentally’ killing your cat while you were away. Accidentally wrecking your car. That’s not a 10 per day type of incident.

That’s why it is vital not to define ‘good’ incorrectly. Incorrect definitions of good allow narcissists and their sympathizers to confuse you (i.e. gaslight you).

They will claim that narcissists do good things too. And this is inarguable. No one doesn’t do at least one good thing. They will claim that narcissists started out with good intentions and that that’s enough to be a good person.

But narcissists cannot be repentant. And I’ve shown how destructive and unavoidably ruinous that is. Unrepentance guarantees only ruin.

And that’s why ‘good is repentance’ might be a superior definition. It emphasizes the central role correction of error holds in making a person eventually good. And it excludes narcissists from the possibility of being called good.

Without some level of talent for repentance, there is no good in someone, and no possibility of good in them.

Which suggests that ‘evil is unrepentance’.

Talking to narcissists cannot work, because talking doesn’t get through unrepentance. It’s a perception thing.

The more you talk to the narcissist, the more gaslighted you get, the more antagonized you get. And in the long run, ultimately the more sad you become.

Why do we feel so sad when we think back on our lives with the narcissist?

Is it because of the harm we suffered at their hands?

Is it because of the lives, the time, the happiness we’ve lost?

Perhaps not.

Perhaps our overwhelming sadness meant something else. It meant how prolonged contact with a viciously unrepentant creature causes you to feel. The sadness is your spirit crying over their unrepentance. You are not crying over the harm. You are crying at the sorrow of their senseless, stubborn unrepentance. You just wanted the hope of reconciliation or closure. But you only kept getting unrepentance. Finally you awoke, and gave up. This sorrow is as deep as the oceans. The realization that they’re not truly human and can never be.

What causes unrepentance?

Unswerving commitment to being self-serving. To having everything only in their own terms.

The opposite of self-denial.

Even when being in the wrong, the narcissist remains absolutely self-serving and obsessed with their own terms. There is no space in there for repentance to squeeze into.

Peter betrayed Jesus by disavowing Jesus under pressure after he swore loyalty onto the death to Jesus.

73 And a little later those who stood by came up and said to Peter, “Surely you also are one of them, for your speech betrays you.”

74 Then he began to [a]curse and [b]swear, saying, “I do not know the Man!”

Immediately a rooster crowed. 75 And Peter remembered the word of Jesus who had said to him, “Before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.” So he went out and wept bitterly.

Bible Gateway passage: Matthew 26:73–75 — New King James Version

Judas also betrayed Jesus by getting Him killed.

Both men betrayed Jesus. But there was a crucial difference between Peter and Judas. Peter repented. Judas would rather hang himself than repent. He ran away in some way (through death) rather than repent. He effectively studiously avoided eye contact and slinked out of the room.

5 Then he threw down the pieces of silver in the temple and

departed, and went and hanged himself.

Bible Gateway passage: Matthew 27:5 — New King James Version

Narcissists will walk out on you when you rebuke them to shut out repentance. They would rather wipe out traces of themselves than just upvote. Their shame is toxic. Their toxic shame cannot lead to repentance. It only leads to ruination of things.

Bonus material

How does a narcissist typically respond when confronted or criticized?

Narcissists don’t perceive rebukes like how a repentant soul would perceive them.

Repentant souls, those who walk mostly in truth, and mostly harmonize, are mostly conscientious, and mostly obey, comply, cooperate, or are generally agreeable, perceive rebuke as ‘feedback for erroneous conduct’.

This perception leads to an eventual attempt to harmonize with correct conduct. A person correctly conducting themselves doesn’t elbow others in the eye, failing which, they feel very sorry for what they’ve done and attempt to harmonize with their victim’s feelings. This is called empathy. You are supposed to harmonize with how you made their elbowed eye feel. This leads to all sorts of offers for reparations or course of actions obviously divergent to what an unrepentant soul would do.

Unrepentant souls walk mostly in lies or falsehood, their orientation is aggression, violence, sadism, when faced with truth or evidence they naturally resort to discarding or disregarding it, when challenged with moral choices, they instinctively rebel and do the wrong thing without a second thought. They perceive rebuke as ‘being victimized by a bully’, or ‘having injustice done onto them’.

This perception would naturally lead to fighting back. Standing up for themselves. Upholding justice and what’s right.

Except that they are actually in the wrong. But their unrepentance will forever prevent that perception. This causes them to ‘fight for justice’ by rebelling against doing the right thing.

That’s why you see narcissists asserting their victimhood grievously when you rebuke them for objectively obvious wrongdoing.

When you rebuke a narcissist. They will want to retaliate against you instead of self-examine, self-evaluate, self-reflect, and eventually repent and self-correct.

That is why it is important not to rush to senseless forgiveness. Rebuke people a little, test them, watch how they respond. Readily forgive repentance. But unrepentance goes beyond just not forgiving, it’s a priceless red flag you just uncovered for yourself, now here’s your chance to run away early and prevent getting to know them better so that you will never have to resort to ‘no contact’ with this new narcissist you just encountered. Grey rock them early.

So there is something magical about rebukes too.

Repentance heals.

Rebukes uncover.

There is no better way to reveal unrepentance than through rebuke.

If we never rebuke, we never discover the unrepentance in someone.

Then they will get to hide under cover for a while longer, while they commit more abuses.

Throughout your life, if you want to know an infallible way to identify an evil person, just look for unrepentance.

Little unrepentances are the earliest warning signs that suggest that this person may not be repentant even for the bigger sins.

But the little unrepentances can turn up false positives though. Many otherwise repentant souls may still have to work on their tendency to repent.

But there is no bigger and better identifier of wickedness than stubborn unrepentance over abuse or unconscionable things.

Unrepentance isn’t just some irritating, stubborn thing a stiff necked jerk does. It is the surest sign of lack of conscience.

Zero empathy stems from unrepentance. Blame shifting stems from unrepentance. Faultless blamelessness stems from unrepentance. The Story of A Perfect Creature (credit : Milva Belalova) stems from unrepentance. Rebellion stems from unrepentance. Ungraciousness stems from unrepentance. Inability to see truth or admit evidence stems from unrepentance. etc.

Unrepentance is the root of all the narcissist’s evil. Narcissists cannot become convicted of their sins. They remain forever sinless in their own eyes. Stuck in faultless blamelessness land.

Hence if you spot this one thing, you’ve spotted every other trait of the narcissist.

Why do narcissists, regardless of time, culture, or location, consistently exhibit the same behaviors that make them easily identifiable to those familiar with their traits?

It’s because they all function from unrepentance. Unrepentance is the same in whomever it manifests. Unrepentance makes them keep doing the same thing.