Who Am I?

Tell me this… Why am I the way I am? Why am I so different from everyone around me? I can feel the difference in my head. I think in a way no one I know does. I can see the possibilities of everything happening in my head. From the worst to the best. Everything I see I can find the beauty in. I have songs that I think are so beautiful they almost bring me to tears. I have seen the sun between trees as I look out my car window. The black silhouette the light causes to the trees make me smile everytime. I’ve always had really strong feelings towards things, but I never put them out there. I always stay neutral to everyone around me. It’s caused me to be someone who is standing in the background.

I find myself sitting in my room writing all these books about the craziest views, and the greatest love stories. I’m standing in the background because I am scared to put myself out into new situations. I end up talking myself out of things that would have made my life so much better. I’ve closed myself off and it has caused me to always be in my head. I read and watch documentaries. I think of every perspective, and how it affects the people around me. I think ten steps ahead so I keep everyone in my life happy. I have spent my whole life trying to please everyone around me. Sometimes even trying backfires and things end up ten times worse than it was. I sat there in my head and blamed myself. The things I say to myself are worse than anything anyone else could say to me. I write everything down these days. I feel like my ideas and writing could make a difference, but no one wants to listen. I try to speak and someone speaks over me.

It’s crazy how everyone else is living their life around you. Most people just think about themselves. Not in the bad way.. They are just focused on getting through their own lives. When I am in a room of people I try to figure them out. You know like the shoes they wear, the way they look when no one is looking, the way they stand. Anything significant. I like to see how much I got right when I get to know them. You never judge a book by it’s cover, but you have to start getting to know them somehow. I get scared in crowds of people though. I always feel judged. Sometimes I distract myself by trying to read their minds, but guessing how they are going to move next, or if someone is gonna fall.

I see a lot of things in slow motion. When someone falls it’s like my brain slows everything down so I can Analyze it. I have moments that I can feel through every inch of my being. There are songs, and moments that make me want to stop what I am doing just because I am in awe. In that moment it’s like it fills me up with emotions I don’t can’t even understand. I almost get a high from certain moments. Like the world around me is completely gone and I am just in that moment. What is amazing about it is when I think back on a moment I can still see it in slow motion. I can still feel the way I felt when it happened.

I know I am different somehow, and whenever I try to explain it I fail. No one ever believes me, but in my head I know I am so much more than who everyone thinks I am. I am so much more than I believe I am. Over the years I have learned that you have to believe that you are here for a reason. You not being here could change everything that happens somehow. I know death is something that is in my head more than it should be, but I have somehow almost made death beautifully complicated.

I am one of those people who want to have a deep conversation over small talk. I want to know why you love a specific movie or song. I want to talk about how you view the world. I want to talk about things that are interesting to you, or learn new things. I think that is a big reason I don’t fit in. I want to talk about the things no one else wants to talk about. Everyone around me are the people who stay up to date on the newest trends. Or being fake to fit in. I know I do that too sometimes, and I feel so weird when I do. I know that’s not really who I am. Not that I am really sure who I am. I wonder if people ever actually figure out exactly who they are.

Half the time I am out of it these days. That is one of the reasons I write everything down. I started having trouble knowing the difference between things that really happened and things that never happened. Sometimes I can’t tell if I dreamt something, or if it has happened. I forget about conversations I’ve had or somethings I have done. I don’t know if it is just how my brain is, but nothing feels real anymore. Days are flying by, but I don’t feel as though I am moving with them. I’ve started losing interest in everything. I am kind of scared of falling back into a hole. I can see my whole life in my head, but it is blurred out. Just like the constand murmur of voices in the back of my head. I don’t know who I am.