Where did the children go?

Time has flown by since I opened up to Racheal about everything. You know, the incest and the mental and physical abuse from my half-brother, Ronnie. It's been 23 months now. Right now, I'm out of work because my company shut down its Baton Rouge offices, and honestly, I'm just really worn out. Plus, I still deal with a lot of pain from that car accident back in 2009 when a drunk teenager hit me on my way to work. I did sue her and got $120,000, but of course, my lawyer, who was a total crook, took more than half of it.

November 2019

I’m feeling pretty good, I thought to myself. Therapy has been a game changer for me. I hardly have nightmares anymore. My doctor prescribed me this medication called Prozosin, which helps with both blood pressure and PTSD...Go figure. I still meet with Racheal once a week. I really care about her (and no, not in that way; I’ve moved past that crush). I finally confessed to Racheal that I thought I had feelings for her, but she told me it was just “Transference,” which is totally normal. She was spot on. Once I understood it better, I realized what it really was. That said, I still think she’s cute, but honestly, I think a lot of women are cute! I chuckled to myself.

I was doing laundry when I realized I had spoons today—yay me! I had already tackled the dishes and the cat box. I was on a roll! Then the phone rang, interrupting my little daydream.

“You got Sam” I said

“Hey Sam! Can we change our appointment time?”

It was Racheal

“Of course, Racheal. What time do you have in mind?”

“Uh, how about in an hour?” she suggested.

I chuckled. “Sounds good to me, I’m free.”

“We could do it virtually if you’d like. I’m trying something new,” she said.

“Okay, just send me the link or whatever I need to do,” I replied.

“I’ll shoot you a link, and you just enter your name, and viola!” She laughed in that cute way she does.

I laughed too and hung up to get everything ready.

Having a meeting online feels a bit dull. No hugs after, no fun drive down I-110 with my tunes blasting. Just me, her, and the cats climbing all over me... exciting, right? At least it’s just a one-time deal. This whole Zoom thing will never beat in-person sessions, I thought as I set up my laptop on the couch. The house was empty, so I had all the privacy I needed.

3 PM. Time to log into this thing.

“Hey Sam! Thanks for fitting me into your schedule earlier. I really appreciate it, and I'm sorry for the last minute switcheroo.”

“No worries! Just remember, you owe me two hugs next week!” I chuckled.

She grinned and asked, “How’s everything going?”

“Honestly, I’ve been super productive today! I’ve got what Jennifer calls SPOONS. She always says, I don’t have any spoons for this or that.”

“Oh really? What have you been up to?” Racheal inquired.

“I’ve tackled laundry, cleaned the cat box, and done the dishes so far.”

“That’s awesome! Have you done any writing today, Sam?”

“Nope, still stuck with writer's block. I’m thinking about asking my doctor to switch me off Zoloft because I feel like it’s stifling my creativity, to be honest.”

“You might be onto something. Long-term use of SSRIs can do that,” she said.

“So what else is new? Have you been playing your online game much?”

“Not really. I think the meds might be making me a bit anti-social too! I chatted with my brother Mark this morning. He’s doing well. He’s retired now and just moved to a different part of Texas. He seems happy taking care of his garden and going to church with his wife. They’ve got a whole retirement community there. Next thing you know, he’ll be playing *pickleball!” I laughed.

“I wanted to bring something up with you, Sam.”

“Uh oh. You’re not moving away or anything, are you?!”

“No, no! It’s not bad news. You always jump to the worst conclusions! I just wanted to say I’m really proud of how far you’ve come in the past almost year, and I think you should consider joining **STAR's group meetings. They meet weekly, and you could connect with others who’ve experienced similar trauma. What do you think?”

“Instead of seeing you?!”

“No, not instead of me! It’s in addition to our sessions. They meet on Wednesdays at the STAR office upstairs. I really think it could help, but it’s totally your call.”

“Actually, I’ve been there before,” I replied.

“Oh, well then you know how it goes. Are you going to go then?” She gave me a smile.

“I guess so, I’ll give it another shot.” I answered.

She looked at me with a serious expression and said, “I really think the peer support will be beneficial for you, Sam.”

The session wrapped up. As I drove home, I started mentally gearing up to be around all those people again. Tomorrow, again. I realized it was Tuesday; I had totally forgotten. So, tomorrow is group day. Racheal’s right, I thought. I’m a completely different person now than I used to be, so it should be a good experience. Maybe I can even help someone else out. I mean, I’ve moved past the self-blame phase, and that’s the biggest hurdle, in my opinion.

So… group is happening tomorrow.

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*Pickleball = a paddle sport that combines elements of tennis, badminton, and ping-pong. (my brother is now the Team Captain of a team)

**STAR = Sexual Trauma Awareness and Response. (star.ngo) These people saved my life.

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You can read the other parts of this story in the below chapters:

Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V

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For more on my life, and to provide more pre-story background, if interested you can read:

Or if you haven't read my poem that won Top Story yet...... ;)

Thanks for reading any or all of this.... I appreciate YOU!!