When He took it away from me

I pushed so many people away from fear of rejection, and no patience. My ex-husband has no patience when was in college before taking a semester or two off he would threaten me that he would leave me. This feeling was so damaging to be I wasn't sure of what to think or say. I felt like Shane took away my ability to trust, and to love.

Naturally, he checks my vocal account to see if I write about him my only way of coping. Chris never wants to listen to me talk about Shane because he wants to go after him for how he made me feel.

Shane wants me to Divorce him, he doesn't want me back under no circumstances. And I feel the same way. Have you ever thought that the person you wanted to be with for the rest of your life you never truly knew?

I loved him so much, Shane but I guess it wasn't meant to be. But that's the least of my worries. I'm so worried I won't be a good mom. I know this is so stupid of me to think that I would be a terrible mom. But I know I won't. It's just my first marriage went to hell in a hen basket. So how can I know that I will be a great mom.

I feel conflicted by what happened to me with Lisa and Morgan. I want to trust them again but I can't anymore. Not after what they did to Chris. We thought we would be able to stay there together as long as we paid them rent. But it's not the case not at all.

All I ever wanted was a friendship with my mother, and sister. They made me feel like I was excommunicated from there clique. I didn't think this was still high school to say the least but it is. I was scared to trust them, and just when I thought I could this happened. I don't know how to let it go. That the thing about letting go the past when I've been hurt or disappointed it's hard to let go of everything.

All I know is, how do I let it go? How do I forgive them? When since being away from them I've felt this hurt inside I can't escape. I wish I didn't feel the pain inside, I wish I could have had it all. It hurts that I can't, that they could move on so quickly and leave me in the dust. I want to cry, so much. I feel like a black cat looking in on everyone I thought I loved only to find them moving on.

The pain on that anguish nothing about this is normal. I don't know how to move forward. This pain this betrayal I don't know how it will subside. I want it to be let go. I want to move forward, with my life. But I keep having these dreams about Morgan coming back into my life with the baby there to. Chris being very hostile with Morgan. Yet giving her a chance. When I wake up Chris is kissing my forehead. Lately, it's been hopeful dreams like that. Only, I know it's not realistic to be dreaming like this. I know it's wrong. I guess when I keep dreaming these dreams it's a thought that I know somehow maybe soon they will stop. I think my dreams are trying to tell me I need my sister and I can't have her. This still hurts a lot, and even though I have to accept this the pain is still fresh. I just hope with time I can move foreward and the pain will go away.