When I Was In Psychiatric Ward

Everyone has stereotypes about these kinds of words. The stigma of mental illnesses are still strong, enough to say that the stigma is brought up in families. For family members to fear these struggles. No one will understand until it is them.

When Morgan didn't treat me fairly, or Chris she decided it was best to slow that chapter on our sisterhood forever. To this day it still hurts me knowing this. I mean my sister is supposed to be my best friend. Because I didn't conform to her stuff and I lost it mentally because I felt alone. I have been through so much mentally my heart wasn't strong enough every time I cried I would feel as though my heart is tugging hard on something it couldn't reach. I couldn't take it anymore it felt like, then I got into that fight at Norma Herr Women's Shelter with no help from supposed friends.

Then it just happened one day when I was afraid my stalker Bruce, and the woman who broke my noise, and left to dents in my head were after me. Every weekend I would ask and beg Chris it felt saying do I have to go back to that place. Reluctantly, he would say yes. Very reluctantly, I knew he didn't want me to go back. So the best thing in the world, was when I was taken away begging them to take me to Lutheran Hospital.

I suffered from depression for as long as I could remember. All the times of feeling ignored from former family.

It hurts knowing that the only family I wanted to be apart of didn't want me either.

I never thought this would be easy going through all at once future divorce from Shane Aurelien. It's been so not easy for me, I didn't except to fall in love with Chris all over again. Not to mention to feel these emotions all at once.

It's never easy closing one door on an ex-husband when I thought we would be forever together. I think that was the hardest was when I was attending Cleveland State university he would constantly interrupt me from my studies.

I know when I was in the psyche ward Shane was pissed that I wasn't strong enough I think. I couldn't be wrong. But it felt like I wasn't wrong about feeling like this. I never once could understand this. Why couldn't he give me a chance when I gave him so much even my money. I wish I could have done things differently with my new found freedom. If I could take everything back and could do everything differently I would have.

Now looking back at it makes me want to do a lot of things differently and wish I could have. I could have married Chris first and still been married with my car still with me. I could have been given the house that was infested with flees. Like ewwww, no.

I missed Chris for so long that I tried to get Shane to act like him and I had no idea. I think it was subconscious effort, but it was very much a lost cause.

After coming to terms with so much all at once nothing still feels right. Only thing I know for sure is slow and steady beats the race. I know that I can overcome anything. And the thought of our love beating the odds has helped a lot.

The one thing I have learned is staying strong helps a lot, crying is normal in the trimesters of pregnancy.

Please I want to not cry anymore over what Mom did to me. I want to cry no more over what Morgan did. I wanted there love and forgiveness. Something I will never have and that hurts a lot.