Well, Hello There!

Hi! 👋🏾

Welcome to my humble abode! I’m Carina and I’m a full time actor, creative, acting teacher, writer, student, poet and entrepreneur. I create content on Vocal for self healing purposes so bear with me if I get a bit emotional at times (My moon sign is ♓️. Go fig.). I’m also pretty blunt and direct in real life so that tends to bleed into my online content. If you’d like to learn a bit more about the professional side of my life, check out my linktree below for links to my virtual acting classes, my IMDb page and if you want to insta-stalk me. If you’re ready for the wild ride, get on board! If not, ✌🏾.

If you’re still reading, nice to see you again!

A few moments ago, I was thinking about the world and everything that’s been going on with Covid-19, quarantine and what’s going to happen to the world in the coming months. And I’ve been feeling scared, alone, panicked, depressed, happy, angry, sympathetic, annoyed and I’m-not-really-sure-what-feelings-are-y about it all. 🤷🏽‍♀️

In my former life, I would push those kinds of feelings down, ignore them or turn into a melting pile of emotional lava. I never wanted people to see my emotional side unless I was performing a monologue or doing an emotionally charged play. 🎭

I made it ok to not be vulnerable (😰) or to only show vulnerability in certain settings. And for a while, it worked. I had “friends”, a thriving career in community theater and acceptance from my family. I was no longer looked at as the weirdo girl who sat in the corner when she was feeling sad, depressed or angry. I was outgoing, ambitious and tenacious. But, I never felt a close connection to those friends. We would hang out at jazz clubs and go out to eat but I felt isolated and eerily alone. And, when I would have moments of what I like to call, “the emotional dam leak” those friends started to see through the cracks and began to slowly distance themselves from me. My family couldn’t understand why I was making a huge deal out of these minor issues with my counterparts when everything was going so well for me. I began to think I was crazy. “They’re right. Everything is amazing in my life right now, why am I buggin?” Time passed and I attempted to regain control and suffocate my feelings. Then, as they always do, my feelings broke out of the poorly built prison and began to catch up with me. I started running but I couldn’t run away from them fast enough. Soon, everything came crashing down. I lost theater opportunities. Friends stopped inviting me out and if I did go out, everyone was awkward around me. My family didn’t know how to support me so they decided to stay silent. I fell into a deep depression.

⚡️TRIGGER WARNING⚡️ (suicide) (If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, please stop reading this and contact the national suicide prevention lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You are NOT alone. 🙏🏽)

That depression was so deep that I began to fantasize about dying. I thought that the world would be a better place if I wasn’t here and my friends and family would get back to their normal way of living after my funeral. I contemplated with the least painful and least traumatic ways I could end my life. Every time I got into my car, I thought about crashing my car into a concrete median or swerving off an overpass so that it would look like a tragic accident. I considered cutting and taking pills because at least my family would know that I didn’t suffer. And without even realizing it, I came to a crossroad. I was faced with the hard choice of living or dying. And that was my reality for nine months, standing there at that fork in the road. But, eventually I grew tired of the stagnation and finally decided to take a step in a different direction. I reached out to a therapist, started anti-depressants for a little while and began pulling myself out of the darkness. With time, I learned better coping skills and learned that life is worth living and that I had a purpose here, even if I had no idea what that was.

I’ve learned that it’s ok to feel and that no matter what I’m feeling, it’s valid and important. I learned to identify and honor those feelings. I learned that it’s ok to take my time processing through things and that there are things that happen to me that require grieving (breakups, disappointments, heartbreaks, deaths, etc.) I learned that the unique way I process my emotions is completely normal. I learned that sometimes it’s better to not have friends. I can just be friendly with people and leave it at that. I learned to set better boundaries and only allow certain people to have full access to the vulnerable and emotional parts of me. I learned that some people will think I’m too much, not enough or a combination of the two.

And I learned that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that or with me. I’m human; full of flaws but full of love. And that human wants to be here to share her gifts with you. So, here I am sharing what’s in my noggin with whoever is still reading this. I can’t wait to share my heart with you again.

Peace and chicken gizzards,

Carina.