UNWANTED

My story is not unique for a person that is considered to have a severe disability. I am an overqualified social services worker. I have a diploma in social work studies, a four year honors in Sexuality marriage and family, and a four year general in social development studies. I studied for 15 years of my life and never developed a career. I walked with a walker and had cerebral palsy in both my legs called spastic diplegia and scoliosis and was recently diagnosed with a painful condition called rheumatoid arthritis . I am always in 8/10 pain.

I was young and able people but people were worried I couldn't work with children because I physically couldn't keep up with them and that I couldn't do all that was required of me. People think we are all inclusive but its an illusion people did not want be to be a liability. Will I be able to complete all my tasks? What if she falls and hurts herself? She has to be able to drive. I was promised jobs over the phone because my experience and education was perfect. As soon as I went through the doors and they had to help me in because their were stairs and no ramp. As soon as I came in she was silent because she was stunned at what she was looking at. She said right away that I couldn't get the job because I couldn't drive a car or be able to complete the tasks because I cant keep up with children. No one ever thought why dont we give this girl a job she can do. I can work one on one with children, that was not a problem. So clearly my disability was.

Another more painful experience made me face all my worst fears and made me stop job hunting all together because the rejection was making me slide into a deep depression. I was employed in children services and my job was to watch over supervised visitations. You usually have two shadows before you begin work. I was shadowed for two weeks before they told me they could not employ me. They said I couldn't keep up with the children. All they watched to and from was the lunch room and the gym, so what if they had to wait 45 more seconds for me to be there. They also said you have to document everything the parent and child are doing and they said I wasn't doing it fast enough. I said this can be solved if you give me a lab top. Legally every document had to be made my hand. After they let me go they said we love you but cannot employ you. I knew my disability would never allow me to have the job I dreamed of. I did what every disabled person did I volunteered- because that is all I was good for. Volunteer jobs adjust tasks to the disability, and modify tasks. We are not worthy of a job that is adjusted to fit our abilities and we certainty don't deserve pay.

I eventually employed myself as a tarot card who was also a counselor and life coach. I loved doing this because I was able to help people. People made fun of this job all the time. I, however, loved that I was able to give them the advice they needed to move forward. I always had the perfect advice they were looking for, and answers they yearned for. I moved people, I had a gift. I also had the life experience to have compassion for any situation. I understood everyone's experience on a deep level. This is because I was empathic and could sense emotions of their unique experience. I could live the experience through their eyes and deliver powerful advice. I could walk in anyone's shoes. I saw things in my third eye or the back of my mind to help me understand what was going on. People would say they don't believe in what I do but after a reading me they were moved to tears over the message I had to give. But I rarely charged for my gift because I didn't think it was worth anything. My experiences in job seeking had told me I am useless and have nothing to offer the world. Now I charge 20 dollars a reading, still very low. I seem to just want to help people I am not worried about the money.

I faced ridicule from my parents and family for not getting a job. According to them I was using my disability as an excuse. I was being lazy. They bullied me about stealing their tax money. It was humiliating when people asked what I did for a living. my parents would say "I actually have to work for a living" as if they were a real citizen of value and I was not. I would come home from family events deeply crying and wanting to take my life. I felt and truly believed I was worthless.

Disability is not created by the actual disability the person is suffering from. It is created by people and the obstacles society places in front of us. If more companies were willing to adjust to the disabled persons needs, and accept what they can and cannot do we would all be included. So what if an able bodied person is a better option because they can do everything the job requires?

The more disabled you are the less you can participate in society. It is an isolating and depressing experience. Now that I can no longer go out with my walker I can't go on the bus or walk to the park or get in a cab. I have a scoter and they only allow people in wheelchairs to use the back of a wheelchair van. They forced me to get in the front of the van, even though my legs were too weak to do so. I cant just go somewhere, if I cant get in and out of a cab safely by my self. By getting older I have lost many abilities that gave me my freedom. Everyday I wake up in so much pain its like I have been hit by a truck, but I have to rise everyday.

As a result I think of taking my life often. People with disabilities are 5 times more likely to have mental illness because of the stress of there experience. I have no purpose and a very small social life. In my youth ( I am only 34) I could do anything an able bodied person could. Then hell came to visit and never left. I got diabetes, got covid, got bladder infections until I went septic and got a bacteria infection which left me in a wheelchair. I was hospitalized so much I didn't walk. I used to run in my walker and have so much power and strength. My muscles are weak and useless now. The medical community wants me in a wheelchair and have no idea why I am still walking. My struggle is beyond average peoples understanding. Yet I am treated horribly by society and excluded as a result. If one more person says god only gives you what you can handle I will punch someone out. We are given more then we can handle and few of us have the help and support we need. We have to have more strength and courage and our reward is being treated like we are not even human. my family since they never see me think this is happening because I am fat lazy and unemployed. I have no value and people think it is my fault. As I have said many times before the disabled community are the last to come first. We need a strong movement. Please support this piece to do so. I often wondering what I am living for if I can't use my life to create meaningful change,