What is psychosis

I was 17 when I had my first break with reality, I was likely having my first psychosis episode linked to having bipolar disorder. I had not yet been diagnosed with the disorder, that would happen in my early 20s. For 6 days I did not sleep I was so full of anxiety fear and paranoia I literally could not get my eyes to close. Mental pain is very disturbing, I would rather be in physical pain then be disturbed in this way. Soon I could not distinguish from reality. I was living out illusions in my subconscious reality, or what I believe to be dream state. I couldn't even open my eyes to see the world around me. Can you imagine how scary that was, I knew I was stuck somewhere in my mind and was no longer functioning in the real world. I was in a dream world, being created by my subconscious. I tried to "awaken" myself several times. But I was trapped. Let me describe this way. Have you ever had a nightmare or night terror? Someone is trying to attack you and your telling your body "wake up wake up!" because it feels so real and you are afraid. I was in these dream states for not just a night but days and it was a level of torture I had never known. Because it did not feel like a dream it felt like I was living out every dreadful moment and could not escape. In one of these realities I was in a deadly game. Everyone was being hunted down to be killed and the last to survive would be the winner and allowed to live. While being hunted down my murderers and tortured it felt so real. At one point they were burning my skin with fire and I could feel my skin melting, boiling and burning I was screaming. I often wonder how I was behaving in the outside world. Was I sleeping? Was I screaming bloody murder and being sedated since I wasn't conscious during these times I will never know. When I woke up I believed strange things, like my teeth were gone and had trouble seeing my reflection. I had to get used to being in reality again.

My poor mother had no idea what had happened to me. They had put me on antidepressants, mood stabilizers and antipsychotic. It saved my life. But my mom still didn't get it. She asked the nurse while she was giving me my medications, " now she doesn't have to be on them after this right?" The nurse looked bewintered and said " No. She must stay on these medications she is doing very well." Mom still did not understand that I was mentally ill and I don't think she wanted to accept it.

Throughout my 20s I would have several breaks with reality some for not taking my medication and having a relapse. Two are what is called drug induced psychosis. I stopped taking my meds in both occasions and I was mentally unstable. Doing a drug just one night at a party would throw me off the edge unable to regulate my emotions, or stay linked to reality whatso ever. I also had alot of behavioral issues, alot of it being created by stress. I had cerebral palsy and could not cope. I did not know how to love myself. I was isolated and alone. Sometimes I went to the hospital simply because I was depressed and wanted to take my life. My parents unable to cope with my mental health problems would place me in group homes respite centers or I would just land some where. My family didn't want me and that was hard to accept.

Looking back to my childhood for answers I noticed a couple of things. First of all I always heard voices. I remember at 10 I could hear music and male and female voices yelling at me and I could see faces. I scared my little sisters when I thought there were people in the closet talking to me. To this day I hear all kinds of things and I have to just drown it out. It tends to come on more strongly when I am trying to sleep and when I am really stressed out. I am not going to lie, it is scary and makes me feel alone. You don't want to tell anyone because they will think your crazy. I feel blessed that I am not constantly seeing things and hearing things and checked out like most schizophrenic people. They are truly suffering. So please do not laugh and point. They are in a nightmare they can't wake up from. It seems I have an over active mind do to stress and it creates voices and illusions. I still get lost in my mind at night due to night terrors. I have dreams that I get stuck in and I am usually tortured in some way. Doctors say this is how I get out my stress and with help I could get better. I have had them all my life. Remember people with mental illnesses are just suffering. Try to be compassionate.

Most of my family till this day think it is my medication making me ill and I should get off it. I also have been accused of being a drug addict. But I am just mentally ill and I refuse to be ashamed. When I was born there was alot of damage done to my brain due to the lack of oxygen. I truly believe there is a connection there. Lets have compassion and some understanding over this issue, after all we all know someone with this problem.