Two Lies and a Truth

I once invited a new friend over to play board games with a small group of friends over the upcoming weekend. He was reaching out regularly to hang out and I figured it would be a good way to get to know him better and introduce him to others so that they could get to know him as well. He accepted the invite and I gave him the details for what, when, and where.

The day of the game night arrived and a few short hours before people were set to arrive I got a text message from my new friend.

“Hey, I’ve come down with the flu. I have an awful fever and I’ve been throwing up all day. I’m going to stay in bed. Have fun tonight and I’ll look forward to next time.”

“Oh no,” I quickly responded, “Rest up and feel better soon. We’ll let you know when we plan another game night.”

My other friends arrived and we got into the swing of the fun. We finished the first board game and took a snack break while we decided what to play next. During the break I decided to check up on my social media and saw that my new friend had made some posts.

“Having so much fun baking cookies with my bestie!” was captioned under a smiling picture of my friend with his arm around someone. The post was followed up by several other photos and captions over the next couple hours of his fun evening at home baking.

I had to do a bit of a double take because the first photo was posted with a timestamp less than 30 minutes after I had received the declination of flu symptoms and needing to stay in bed.

I couldn’t help myself. “Glad you’ve rested up and are feeling better,” I hit send and closed my social media. I let it ruin my night.

Why do we think these things are the better option than just telling the truth? If my friend had just told me, “You know, I am not sure I am up for meeting new people tonight. I think I’d like to stay in and do some baking,” I would’ve completely understood!

Truthfully, though, I understand: we all tell little white lies to avoid hurting people’s feelings. I’ve been there!

“I am not going to make it, my parents showed up for a surprise visit.”

“I have to take my dog in for a vet visit.”

“My phone died or I would’ve responded sooner.”

“Traffic was just awful.”

“You’re new haircut looks great!”

“Let’s keep in touch.”

“I’m fine. I’m just a little tired.”

“Don’t worry. It’s okay.”

I have always grown up with a certain level of social anxiety. I desperately wanted to be involved in events and make friends, but my fears would overrule so much. Any time someone invited me to something I would genuinely think about it, start to imagine the worst case scenario of making a fool of myself and alienating people, and suddenly I would find myself saying, “I think that sounds like a lot of fun, but I am not feeling very well. I have some stomach issues.”

The bigger problem here? I started to believe my own lies. When an event popped up that made me anxious I actually started to feel my stomach get sick. I believed I was sick!

It got bad. It got to a point where one of my friends called me out for it: “You get sick a lot, are you, like, really unhealthy or are you just not interested in joining?”

Punch to the gut, but it didn’t change my way: “Yeah, I’ve always been sickly. I must have a weak immune system.”

Now I had an upset stomach, a weak immune system, and what friends I had were all concerned about “poor sick guy.” The lies added, compounded, and became intricate. I lost friends, I lost trust, and not just with other people. I couldn’t trust myself.

The little white lies didn’t just start to pile up, consider that with today’s social media it becomes a massive circus. Your little white lies become other people’s problem:

“Hey, I told so and so that I was out sick. If you post pictures of this event, will you make sure not to get any with me in it?”

“I don’t think I want to go to that party. People will be posting pictures and so and so will be there and they think I’m out of town.”

One day I met a really great guy and we started dating, but he had a wife. A very pregnant wife. She knew he was gay and she knew about me, but the only thing they asked? “Please keep the relationship secret. We don’t want our friends to know we’ve invited you into our relationship as his boyfriend.”

I kept that promise, I kept that lie, but everyone knew. I could hear people whisper about me, “he’s the guy trying to break up that innocent sweet couple. Poor pregnant wife, she would be devastated. I can’t believe he would do that. Did you hear he was at the hospital when she gave birth?”

It drove my depression, my anxiety, and my sanity steeply downhill. I had genuine love for him and I deeply cared for her, but the relationship couldn’t last.

I started therapy and even that I was afraid to be honest about, the stigma of mental health, “I have to leave a little early for a doctor’s appointment, just a regular checkup.”

The little white lies were piled up so high I felt buried, suffocated, and alone. It continued until one day I finally cracked.

A friend invited me for a casual lunch and shortly before I was preparing to leave for it I was trying to think of the most appropriate little white lie to get me out of the lunch. I couldn’t, but I knew I wasn’t up for it that day. I finally texted him, “hey, I am wondering if we can reschedule? I really want to see you, but I’ve been dealing with some anxiety and depression. I might not be in the best place to be out in public today.”

“Oh! I absolutely understand! Raincheck for sure, let me know when you are feeling better.”

Breakthrough! Why did I think I had to sugar coat it? The truth was so much simpler.

Later that year a friend was hosting an annual party. A party I had always wanted to attend, but had never been to because of one little white lie or another. I was so ready to go this year! Except… the party was on a Sunday and I had plans Friday and Saturday and by the time Sunday came… I was burned out. As much as I wanted to attend, I needed some alone time.

“Hey man. I was looking forward to being able to attend your party this year, but I have been so busy this week I think I need some alone time. Maybe we can connect soon and I next year I will make sure to reserve the time so that I don’t burn out.”

“Cool!”

It was cool. I got the time I needed to reset, didn’t feel the pressure of maintaining some silly little lie, still hung out with my friend, and I was able to attend the event the following year without overloading my social capabilities.

I’m now in a leadership role and I encourage members of my team to take the mental health days they need. They are a good team and they get their work done. I’d rather hear them say, “I just need a day off to veg” than hear “cough cough, I’m feeling sick” in a clearly fake tone.

I lost myself for a long time because I believed my own lies. I really like who I’ve become, traumas and anxieties and all. Sometimes we break down. Sometimes we need alone time. Sometimes we need to give ourselves a damned break.

There is a time and a place for some simple sugar coating, but I like my life all natural and honest. This is me world!

For anyone wondering what happened to the new friend I started this essay about: We did end up hanging out, we went to a live show together with a small group of friends.

“Did you have fun?” I asked after the event.

“Yeah, that was a blast! Can’t wait to hang out again,” He told me.

Later than night on social media I saw him make a post, “I had the worst time tonight. #cantgetthattimeback.”

We didn’t hang out again.