Trichotillomania

I was diagnosed with trichotillomania at the age of seventeen. This is a hair pulling disorder, but when I was diagnosed I had only pulled out my eyebrow hairs. That wasn't so hard to manage. I always drew my eyebrows on when I pulled too many or pulled them bald.

I started going to therapy for my disorder, but I didn't like my therapist very well. Being seventeen I didn't like being treated like a child and I felt my therapist was doing just that. I went one day and never went back. Thankfully, without therapy, I managed to stop myself from pulling them. Eventually, I would catch myself pulling hairs occasionally, but never as bad as what I had been doing.

Years passed and I had been doing well about not pulling them, but I found myself in a toxic relationship, and that brought the urges back to the point I couldn't control it. My eyebrows were completely bald yet again. I didn't realize at the time why I was pulling them uncontrollably. I hadn't yet recognized that I was in a toxic relationship and kept making excuses for my partner's behavior. I even started pulling at my eyelashes. I would alternate between my eyebrows and my eyelashes. I went a while with no hair on my face at all. This made me feel very insecure because I couldn't apply false eyelashes, so I walked around with bare eyes until they would grow back and I'd catch myself pulling them out again.

I was pregnant with my third baby when things took a turn for the worse with my disorder. The relationship was drowning me and I had a massive workload. My partner didn't work because he was disabled, so I had to bring in the income to keep our bills paid and food on the table. I had a good job working in a factory, but I never expected to fall pregnant when I did. Factory work while pregnant is not for the weak, especially if the pregnancy is hard. My pregnancy with my son was very rough for me.

I was six months pregnant when I was pulled into the HR department and they told me they were laying me off. When I started the job I was informed that they didn't do lay-offs. I went home that day in tears. I didn't know what I was going to do because finding a job halfway through a pregnancy was hard.

I filed for unemployment, but it didn't even cover half of my bills. I had to find a minimum-wage job to get by. We almost lost a roof over our heads several times because I just didn't make enough. I caught myself pulling at the hair from my scalp. This is the most common form of hair-pulling with this disorder.

I could no longer control the urge to pull. I knew that if I kept going I would hate myself, yet I couldn't stop. I had been pulling at it for hours one day and told myself multiple times I needed to stop before I pulled out too many. Finally, I got up and went to the mirror. I lifted my bangs and the top layer of my hair to reveal both sides of my head were completely bald underneath. I covered the spots back up with my hair and felt so disappointed in myself for allowing it to get that bad. It wasn't noticeable to anyone else yet though.

Few select people knew about these spots. I would always get the same reactions when I showed people.

"Alexis, stop pulling it!" I would hear. It didn't matter because it only made me want to pull it more.

I gave birth to my son at the beginning of December and by Christmas, I decided to shave my head. The bald spots had traveled further up my head and left me with very thin hair. The wind would blow it and I just knew it was revealed to everyone around me. I didn't want to shave my head, but I couldn't bear the thought of dealing with the bald spots. I decided I would wear wigs until I could grow my hair back out.

I bought several wigs before I even shaved my head. I bought a couple of cheap ones online and my sister even bought me one from TikTok shop to wear to work. I watched endless live videos of wig shops advertising their wigs and wished I had the money to buy more. The wigs tangled so easily and were just hard for me to take care of for daily use.

I ended up finding a shop that sold lace front wigs for a decent price. I bought my first expensive wig. I wore that wig everywhere. It was beautiful. I was so afraid to wash it out of fear I would ruin it. I worked in a sub shop that got extremely hot and I believe the heat started to fry the synthetic fibers in my wig. The ends would tangle and become impossible to brush out.

At this point, my hair had grown to a pixie cut with the sides still completely bald. Once the hairs got long enough I started pulling them again. It was a tough battle to get myself to stop. I ended up dying my hair and tried to rock it naturally instead of hiding it under wigs. I felt insecure, but I tried my hardest to be confident about my looks.

I had finally stopped pulling at my hair. Months went by without pulling a single strand of hair. My relationship got worse. I then found out that I was pregnant again when my son was only six months old. I was devastated. I wasn't ready especially with everything going on in my relationship. I made peace with it because I knew I would love this baby just as much as my others.

I finally reached my breaking point in my relationship after being screamed at in the middle of the night for sleeping on the couch. I was tired of feeling the way I was and packed up my stuff as well as my children's. I moved in with my grandmother. The first few weeks were okay. I still hadn't pulled my hair anymore. My ex made things a bit hard with these wild mood swings that changed by the day. One day he was loving and trying to do better for us and the next he was belittling me.

The back and forth was crushing me. I was developing a hatred for the man I once loved with everything in me. He wouldn't help with the kids and always had an excuse as to why he couldn't see them. I had to find alternative care to continue working.

Everything worked out well for me, but he was still messaging me every couple of days with something random. I'm not quite sure what made me start pulling at my hair again, but my best guess was him constantly reaching out and making my anxiety go through the roof. The bald spots under my hair returned. My hair at this point is long enough to cover them, but I can tell the difference in the thickness and it makes me feel insecure again.

I hate that it's so hard to stop myself. I so badly want to stop pulling at my hair. I want my long and beautiful hair to return, so I can feel beautiful again. I'm debating on wearing wigs again to try and combat the urge to pull them. If I'm wearing a wig I can't pull my hair.

So, let this be a reminder for you if anyone in your life that you care about lives with this disorder, we hate it as much as you do. We wish so badly that we could stop. There is no cure for this disorder. They say therapy helps, but most of the time the most successful tactic is to use habit reversal training.

Please be kind to those suffering from this disorder because we already feel so badly about it. Most of the time the less you mention it the less likely we are to pull at our hair. In my case, when someone mentioned the hair pulling it always made the urge come back.

I really hope this little piece about trichotillomania helped educate you on what it's like to actually have this disorder and if you have it I hope it helped make you feel heard. There are so many out there like us, but not many talk about it.