Raw record of my mental illness on YouTube can’t be erased

During a bout with mental illness that occurred shortly after my dad died and other traumas, I went through a phase where I created YouTube videos while in psychotic states.

These are full-blown crying and screaming tantrums, where I make wild accusations and use a colorful vocabulary. Insane absolutely describes my behavior in these videos, to the extent I am greatly embarrassed. Sadly, I have tried everything to get the videos removed but have had zero success with YouTube.

An official with NewsBreak, which I write for, even tried to help me get the videos removed, but to no avail. So always remember – it’s true that once something goes up on the internet, there’s a good chance it can’t be taken down. As a result, I have a living history of some of those most disturbing periods of my life on the internet. And being a content creator, I am all over the internet and Googled regularly. People run across the psychotic YouTube videos all time. There are about 600 of them. They have had more than 100,000 views.

I recently reviewed some of them myself. The moods I was in were wildly psychotic and scary in many of the videos. I have no recollection what I was even talking about in many of the videos. My speech is rapid and impaired. I can’t help but wonder what would provoke me to behave that way.

In one video, I explain that I want to be a legal cannabis sales rep. In the next, I’m sharing wild conspiracies. In many of the videos, the pain and very real psychosis I was experiencing his painfully obvious.

I overshared in most of the videos, once explaining I didn’t even have money for toilet paper. The next day, a roll of toilet paper was thrown into my yard along with a sign for a politician I don’t support and actually feared. Witten on the sign was, “From the Fordhams.” Fordham was my mother’s maiden name.

When someone is going through a period of intense mental distress — including psychosis, mania, trauma related overwhelm, or extreme emotional dysregulation — their behavior can shift in ways that feel baffling or embarrassing in hindsight. At the time, reasons I posted those videos included:

A need to be heard or understood

When someone feels isolated, frightened, or overwhelmed, posting online can feel like:

• “Someone will finally hear me”

• “I need to get this out”

• “I need witnesses so I’m not alone”

It’s not about making an “ass” of themselves — it’s about trying to cope.

Distorted sense of urgency or importance

I honestly believed a politician in my hometown was trying to kill me. I became obsessed with this and began to think the best way to prevent it from happening was to talk about it. During episodes of severe distress, I would feel:

• My thoughts are incredibly important

• I must share them immediately

• The world needs to know what I’m experiencing

Reduced inhibition

When someone’s thinking is disrupted, the usual “filters” that stop us from oversharing or acting impulsively can weaken. That can lead to:

• Posting things you wouldn’t normally share

• Speaking in ways you wouldn’t normally speak

• Acting without considering consequences

This is a state, not a personality trait.

Trying to make sense of confusing internal experiences, such as hearing voices

People sometimes record themselves because they’re trying to:

• Document what they’re feeling

• Understand what’s happening

• Reach out for help in the only way they can at that moment

Trauma can contribute to disorganized thinking, intense emotional states, feeling disconnected from reality, impulsiveness and a desperate need for connection or expression. I experienced all of these things.

It is a shame these psychotic states continue to haunt me because they exist online. A person should not be judged indefinitely based on erratic behavior. We all deserve the opportunity to move on. I am being denied that opportunity.